A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my husband joined the army about a year ago. he is scheduled to deploy next month, and ever since he found out when he was to go to afghanistan, he has been different. he used to be very patient, loving, kind...now he is unpredictable and moody, and he has started to act out in our relationship. he will call me names, yell, he drinks more, and last night he did not come home from his buddy's house. i understand getting drunk and not wanting to drive, but he walked to the buddy's house it's so close. when he finally walked through the door at 8am, i confronted him and noticed that he was still very intoxicated. at that point he started to scream at me and call me names, and then told me that he no longer wants to be with me. i have heard him say this to me a few times over the last few months, ever since he found out when he is to deploy. i understand the pressure he is under and i know that he has a lot going on emotionally, but the level of hurt that he is causing me is reaching a boiling point. when he is calm he apologizes for the truly vile things that he says to me, and agrees to counseling, but somehow it never seems to happen. i don't even recognize him anymore. the other part of this is that i've noticed his behavior toward me has declined even further since we changed our duty station with the army- i am now 3000 miles away from friends and family, and being new to the area i don't have very many people that i feel comfortable enough to reach out to. i have no job as of yet, although i am currently looking for employment in our new area, and we share a vehicle, which he usually takes with him during the day to work and back. as a result, i feel even further trapped on top of the combined behavior of my husband and lack of contacts due to a large move. what should i do?
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (8 February 2011):
He's probably really stressed out or depressed by his impending deployment (depression can make people especially men act out in these ways). This doesn't make it acceptable, but if he is unable to control his behavior and is refusing counseling or professional help to get his behavior under control, then I think the only thing you can do is to shield yourself from him by separating or moving out. You can tell him that when he's calm then he can come around and see you, and if he starts acting up again you'll leave and go back to your place.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (6 February 2011):
I think your husband just realized the real implications of deployment. Many people think they can handle it---until they actually get sent there. Then they have to come to terms with the fact it's dangerous and that they might not make it back in one piece, if at all.
Your husband has just been in the army for a year. That's not a lot of time and in a way he's still a rookie. He's afraid. And when people are scared, they act differently. They're on edge, they lose their temper.
I'm not saying all this is a good excuse for him to behave like this. Kids a decade younger than him get sent out there too and many of them handle it better than he is doing.
You have your dignity. You sacrificed a lot to be with him, so stand up for yourself. Talk to him. Don't stand down when he's being his unreasonable self either. You need to get through to him, one way or the other.
"You are acting like a soldier who just came back from Afghanistan. You're a shadow of your usual self. I don't even recognize you anymore. And this is before you get deployed. You haven't seen anything yet and already you can't cope. If you can't get your act together now, how do you expect to last even a minute out there? How do you expect me to be able to support you if you drive me away with your insults and yelling, none of which I deserve? Is this the shape of things to come? Because if it is, I don't know if I want to stick around."
If there's no way you can talk, write all of it down in a letter and leave it for him while you're out.
If you can't get through to him, leave. If his behavior now is bad, imagine what he'll be like when he gets back. He'll be 10 times worse.
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