A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend, Joe, and I have been together since late August. He is really sweet, caring, etc. However with Christmas coming up he has been really stressed with Work, Partys, Cooking, Family, Presents, etc. Lately he has been showing it more than usual, snapping mostly, or giving the silent treatment when he feels like he didn't do something right or good enough.This is putting a strain on our relationship. It's not all that bad. I love him, and he loves me. I want him to be happy rather than really sad when nothing goes completely right for him. He feels disappointed in himself when he saddens other people. Can you give any advice, ideas to make him happy, ways to help him cope, and such? All I want is for him to be happy again.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): Everyone gets snappy this time of year, it's a result of stress from overcommitted time. But if you want you relationship to work then you quickly apologise and you fix the core problem so that it doesn't become a habit. He should blow off a party or two to get time enough to do the more important things without stressing over them. Being able to say "no" in a way that doesn't offend is an important social skill.The silent treatment is more concerning. It's a deliberate attempt to punish you and to make you unhappy. Why, because something didn't go "completely right" for him? The whole point of a relationship is that it makes the two of you happy. It's meant to be self-reinforcing, so that the happiness of one pulls the other up if they temporarily feel down. That doesn't mean it is you job to *make* him happy -- that is his job alone. Your job (and his too) is to make an environment where happiness can flower. Tantrums, such as the silent treatment, poison that environment. They are not your problem, they are his problem. If he wants this to work, then he needs to find ways to share how he feels and to let go bad feelings that does not poison your relationship (my partner sews, I ride a road bike).What you need to do is to tell him -- in a non-combative way at a considered time (in my relationship that's when we are both in bed of an evening, but everyone varies) -- how his snappiness and cold treatment make you feel. He could be so bound up in the madness that is Christmas that he's taken his eye off the ball and hasn't realised.I am giving him the benefit of the doubt here, because it's a tough time and it's probably the first Christmas where you both have had to work with a partner. He could be a controlling personality, using his tantrums to ensure he doesn't have to do any of the heavy lifting in the relationship. But if that's actually the case, you'll learn soon enough once Christmas has passed and he's found something else to use as his hammer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): It is not your job to put him in a right state of mind to be happy, in fact if he is being snappy with you, then he is using you as an emotional punching bag of sorts, and what works best in that situation is to calmly state, I see that you are in a really bad mood, I am going to leave for an hour and run some errands, I hope by the time I get back you have worked what ever it is that is bothering you out so we can share a nice evening together, and then get your keys, your purse, get in your car and go.
We teach people how to treat us. If he is unhappy with something, then he needs to work that out on his own and not take that out on you. The sooner you can nip this in the bud, the better otherwise you have enabled him into a bad relationship pattern.
Not exactly the acvice you expected right? Right.
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