A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Hope someone can help - i am going out of my mind.My husband of 17 yrs had an affair with a girl nearly half his age, bad enough but after he told me it was over he had to admit that she was pregnant. Now i am sure that in the beginning she did not know that he was still married but i made this perfectly clear to her before she became pregnant but chose to believe what she had originally been told by him. Anyway now the child has been born and even though he has done his best by both of them for the first month, staying and helping out with feeding she still is not happy - the only time she allows him to see his son is if he goes there, she calls and txt him all the time when he home with us saying there is one problem or another with the baby or her - We are trying so hard to make this work but she just wont let us be, i had to get a trespass order to keep her away from our home, she has contacted all OUR family and sent them very explicit emails, i guess hoping to ostracize him from the rest of his family so that he only had her to turn to. He is feeling to so guilty right now that he bounces between the two of us and i see it tearing him apart. Just wondered if any one out there has had similar experience and could offer some advice, the complication in our situation is that we are from England and are here on a visa, we have been here for 7 yrs and are still waiting for green cards, our son is in senior yr at high school and this is taking its toll on him, Please any info to help would be appreciated.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 October 2011):
 I get it.
she's playing a game.
I love the advice unmeidaagonyaunt gave you. I think it is spot on.
She knows that she can tug at him because while he may no longer be attatched to HER he is being an adult and being responsible for his child.
BUT I think that the court needs to step in
1. GET DNA testing
2. get a court order for visitation and support and stick to it.
do not give her extra money other than what the court order says to.
do not allow her to manipulate him into being there when it's NOT HIS TIME to have HIS CHILD.
I see you as being adult, honest and mature about this. People do things and make mistakes.. it does not make them a bad person it makes them human.
The problem is then you have to mitigate the mistakes as needed. Since the Baby Momma is not playing fair you guys have to play "not fair"
In a perfect world
dad would give financial support
mom would use it for the child's welfare
dad would have regularly scheduled visits with HIS child but not his ex.
mom would readily comply with this and not try to create further drama within the dad's family.
The court order for scheduled visitation and child support will stop all of this.
The mom must be told that DAD will abide by the COURT order only.
He should get a cheap cell phone just for her to use.. and keep it in a safe place NOT with him. checking it once or twice a day to make sure there is no crisis but other than that IGNORING IT and the mom... she needs to be able to contact him but should not be able to disrupt his regular life... block her from the household phone and his cell phone. (in a true emergency she can have the local authorties intervene and contact him)
He should not give her money for the child above and beyond the court ordered support (although he can start a bank account for the baby on his own for later on as a gift for the child for college or something) and he should keep records of what is given to the mom (use checks or money orders or get receipts for cash as later on I will bet this mom will try to alienate the child from the dad by saying "he never paid anything" or "he never saw you"
he should NOT go over and HELP her. his visitation is with HIS child NOT the mommy.
Now as young as the baby is long visits without mom won't work but short visits with the dad WITHOUT the mom should be fine and since they are going to have to be short they should be more frequent. again a good lawyer can set this up.
it may need a court appointed supervisor for the visits if the mom is un-cooperative and because the baby is so young but it can be done.
good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advise so far...... we most of it .... As for being "shipped back to our country" how could any one posting an honest helpful answer think this would be problem solved? My husband wants to be involved in this childs life, and i fully support that, its as it should be. As for saying she is only young - she is 34 and my husband is 53, she was already a single mum to a 14 yr old son. And we (my husband and I) also have children that need him. The main problem is that she will only let him have contact with the baby if he goes to her house. so i guess going to the family court to get a parenting plan is the first step, thank you for that advise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2011): What do u mean he now feels sooo guilty and its tearing him apart therefore he bounces back and forth bet the two of you?
do u even believe this bull. Is he now a victim? How can He now be a victim???
Hun your hb is pulling a fast one over you. He is still "attached" to his lover. He is playing hubby and daddy at her house.
He pays maintenance, right? Then why must he go back to his lover all the time? No one is forcing him to run there. YOU were played while he got her pregnant and now he is playing u after this kid is born. Has he started having sex with her again?
Why don't u do this: You be the go between. If she wants!needs anything she has to contact u. If he goes over YOU go as well. Keep an eye on your wayward husband. He is in his element right now where he plays u both. The only person who has benefitted from all of this is the wayward husband.
Stop feeling sorry for him. He needs to man up and put u first. No one told him to f*ck around. When he was cheating it was not tearing him apart? Where was his guilt then?
Hun your hb has played u thus far. Time to reel him in and time to dictate the terms of the relationship with his mistress.
Your hb is liable for financial support. Full stop. He doesn't have to run there. He goes bec he wants to. He goes bec the feel of a new baby is so awesome. He goes bec he wants to check up on the mistress. If she is hounding him by phone then he needs to get another number. Very simple.
Baby mama drama. More like cheating husband drama continued.
Have u both started marital counselling? Be wise, one day without u even being aware of it he will leave u for good and he will go play happy homes with his mistress. U cannot trust your hb with anything like right. The enemy is not only the mistress, he is there right in your bed. Hun, I know u are having a rough time BUT u can make this work by becoming the sly, proactive wife. Don't take sh1t from anyone.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt +, writes (28 October 2011):
 Get a lawyer.You will need two things, with the assistance of legal guidance:(1) I STRONGLY recommend that you petition your local family court for an official parenting and child support plan. In that plan, you should schedule SUPERVISED visits with the child and a third party assigned by the courts.(2) I also strongly recommend that you have your lawyer have a strongly worded letter delivered to this lady, advising her that any further actions will result in applying for a restraining order, which would further add structure to any potential contact between the mother and your husband. Also, advise the mother that all correspondence is being documented and further aggressive actions will result in the legal remedies described in the letter.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 October 2011):
 I am really sorry to hear that you have been caught up in this mess, but am afraid there really is not a lot that you can do here. Try and look at it from this girls perspective as well. She is only young and has been left as a single mother, she is probably scared and needs the support of the baby's father, yes her sending rude emails and continuously contacting him is wrong, but my guess is that she fell in love with him and is now trying to win him back. There is a baby involved therefore he needs to have contact with her and be there for the child. Off course this is going to be hard on you, my guess is that you forgave him for the affair which must have taking a lot of courage on your part and I salute you for that, but I guess if you are wanting to still be with your husband then you need to accept that this woman and child is now part of his life as well. It is a lot for you to deal with therefore you need to ask yourself if this is really what you want in life and if you can live with his mistakes.
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