A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:After 20 years marriage my husband turned cold on me and I thought he didnt want me anymore - I did ask but always got the nothings wrong answer. Predictably, a close friendship turned into an affair and I spent the last year being very happy with a man who was everything my husband was not and very unhappy with my husband although he turned around and tried to do what he could for me. Eventually my husband got involved with someone else and at the same time the honeymoon period of my affair wore off although I do still have very deep feelings of love and care for this other man. When I realised my husband had got more seriously involved I got a shock wake up call of what my relationship with my husband meant to me (a difficult but very good man who is safe and trustworthy) and also what it would mean to lose my very good standard of living with my husband and determined to try and work things out with him. I felt so guilty for the way I behaved last year - I have hurt my husband very much - Luckily he is giving me the chance and I have stopped the affair- he has also stopped his affair but has a lot of contact with the other woman. The problem is the other man says he is still desperately in love with me and he will wait the rest of his life for me. I have felt so much happier knowing I am doing the right thing to work on my marriage although I am still worried about how my husband and I will be when it comes to having sex which we havent had for a year. My husband says he has to have a good sex life for us to work. I was fascinated by my other man who has many things wrong with him (he plays the victim, lies over small things and is a womaniser although it stops at flirting - he is also extremely poor and could give me nothing lifestyle wise so I worry deeply about what would happen to me longer term) - all these things I know but still feel deeply for him - he is a character who helps everyone else but himsself - he made me laugh all the time - shocked me but also loved me and I him with a passion I cannot imagine happens very often - the sex was more than wonderful - also I feel I am my true self with the other man but I suspect the chances of a relationship between us lasting are small. I understand it is so difficult to get through these situations - I am trying my best to do the right thing - I will not resume the affair unless I know the marriage is 100% over but the other man is getting to me - I care about him so much as I would a child and I worry about him being so hurt over me - he has such deep feelings I worry about what he would do if I had to cut him off completely for the sake of my marriage - I have told him I want to try my best with my marriage and he is supportive of that but how do I make it easier for him? I think I know what you will say - that I am doing the right thing and stick at it and time will resolve the problems but in the meantime I am getting confused - I was so clear and I know I can only do the right thing by my husband now but if you asked me where I want to be it is not with him - despite all the problems with the other man I wish so deeply to be with him even though I felt I was being punished sometimes when I am with him - my husband would only ever treat me with goodness - I cannot tell the other man it is over completely as it is not true - I still have deep deep feelings for him and I am afraid that if things dont work out with my husband I will lose the chance to feel that deeper connection with another human and passion at the right time to enjoy it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for the reply - I did so much appreciate the honest advice and accept all your points of view. I do love my husband and we are having quality time although it is tainted by the feelings he still has for his other woman - he does not admit it to me but I know he still yearns for her although in my judgement I am still continuing to do the right thing, this makes it hard when I see my ex lover - he is supportive of me trying with my husband to work things out but he believes I will not be happy and he still loves me deeply - and I still have deep feelings for him - I know I should in theory tell my ex-lover not to see me whilst I am trying with my husband but whilst my husband is not committed to trying with me I find comfort with the platonic company of my ex lover. I have this concern in my head that this could be the love of my life - it is the first time I have felt like this in my heart for someone - I know it is not the right time for us but if I end it completely now it may be ended for ever and what if my husband turns round later and says he wants a divorce as hes not happy with me anymore? Then I may lose a love that I would never find again. I am also seriously worried about the effect of me ending the contact completely would have on my ex-lover.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007): from what i can work out the only reason you want to remain in your marriage is because of the standard of living it provides. not because of any effection felt for your husband. its nice to see someone who actually wants to work on their marriage and try to improve it, but what are you doing to solve it? just being the same wont change anything, you have to be open with your husband, talk everything through with him. theres no relantionship without honesty. spend some quality time with him,
as for this other guy, well thats a tough choice it seems for you. the only reason you dont want to be with him is because he cant provide? well what do you want more in life, money or happiness? only if you answer what your heart says will you ever know...if you choose happiness i suggest you get a divorce but be honest about it. if you do genuinley love you husband (and i hope you do) you'll cut all ties with this other guy tho and work hard on your marriage)
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