A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:At this moment I really feel desperate and I could use some help to make me think clearly. I have been in a relationship for almost 14 years now. I met my boyfriend when I was 18 and he was 17 and we got in love. None of us had a relationship or sexual experience before. We were first to each other.During our relationship we had a good times and the bad times. We also tried to break up several times but we ended up back together every time. The troubles started when I caught him dealing with some dating service on his mobile, this was something I couldn’t have dealt with so I left his home (at that point we were living with his parents trying to find our own flat) and went to live in another city. We stayed separate about 3 months and then he started coming and visiting me. Those visits became more and more often and eventually it started to look like a long distance relationship. We were great together during the weekends when we were meeting.Still I started to notice his obsession about porn. And more and more he started to talk about threesome, firstly as a joke.. In March he came to live with me again. One day I was playing game on his mobile when a strange sms came – I understood that he posted an ad on a Teletext for “experiencing something new”. He said he placed an ad out of curiosity. I gave him a second chance under the circumstance never ever to deal with such things. Last weekend, we went to movies and when we were in a coffee shop, one sms came and from the way he looked at me I new that was not just a regular sms. He pretended that one of his friends changed a number. During the show I kept his mobile in my purse and then went to the toilet where I just had to confirm what I already knew. It was from someone (who probably responded to the ad) who wanted to meet my boyfriend and my boyfriend answered him “I will call you on Monday”. I told him what I saw and we barely changed a word at home, the only excuse he found was that that person is bothering him and he intended to tell him (on Monday!) to back off!?!. One strange thing is that “someone” was a boy and I am not quite sure how to understand it. If he was looking for a threesome, would be only a boy to respond? Or maybe it is not a threesome at all?! He is claiming that he never cheated on me and never would. I know that being his first is a great minus in a relationship. I don’t know how far is he ready to go: is only sending sms that excites him or he decided to go further. As well, under those conditions I am not able to perform well in bad so it works like a chain somehow.I have a feeling that watching porn, made him eventually obsessed with the idea of threesome and since I am not interested in it he is checking other options. I have to note that all the above have roots in his family since his father was not exactly a role model (his father was also watching porn and had quite rich porn tape collection!).At this point I consider myself unable to handle and solve this problem. My logic tells me to leave him because he probably can not stop it (without any professional help) and will go deeper and deeper. On the other hand, it is not an easy thing to throw away 14 years of my life or to do nothing to help this situation. I have to say that my boyfriend would never accept any professional help (since “nothing’s wrong with him and it is all in my head” ) so I have no many possibilities to solve it or where to turn to.Any good advice/help?
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cheated on me, long distance, porn, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (1 June 2009):
 Hello,
14 years is a very long time and I am sure you both have some good times there to remember.
Thing is though, he has done this previously and you were strong enough to leave him them. He is now back in your life and he is disrespecting your trust again. Trust is really important and if you can't trust them, then how does your relationship function. It is tough dealing with something like that as you don;t want to come across as judging someone for his/her sexual preferences or fetishes but when it interferes with your relationship and how you feel about someone and how you trust them, it is not okay.
You have spoken, you have left, you have forgiven with the promise to not let it happen again and it has happen. What makes you feel that if he apologises now, it won't happen again and again? There is history in his family with this which means he grew up with stuff like this. If he does not care enough or denies it enough to not want to seek professional help, then babe...you need to start looking after yourself.
Worst case scenario, you forgive him and he disrespects your by acheiving some of his sexual goals.....and gets a disease and brings that home instead of the bacon...what then?
You don't want to have regrets that you did not deal with this sooner.....take care of yourself, respect yourself and acknowledge your value.
You deserve better.
Ana
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