A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I started using a dating website a few months back and after a while met this guy who was very friendly, attractive and got on with me so well. He was willing to wait to go on a date with me because I'm in my 3rd year of university and need to concentrate on my studies at the moment. this has been going on for almost a month or two now and suddenly out of the blue this person messages me under his name claiming to be his boyfriend, tells me he is gay and warns me to stay away.Now I'm extremely confused. The messages I've been receiving are not those of a gay man but this person seemed so sincere. I need help. I really like this person. It's not often I meet a decent bloke so I'm hoping this was one sick joke of his mates or he's got a gay stalker or something. Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI found out the truth. His boyfriend rang him during a free period and asked him to explain. The bloke I was emailing explained everything. It's fine now. Someone that dishonest isn't worth crying over. And I have a feeling he has plenty of issues. Thanks
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): I would mention it to the guy you are emailing, quoting word for word what the other guy said, and see what happens. It could be the truth or it could be that someone is after him and jealous that he wants to meet you, but you need to find out the truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. It's actually not me I feel upset for. It's his boyfriend. Don't know how he can trust him again after all this. And yea, I haven't been jaded. I'll keep looking till I find a nice man.
Thank you all, you've been a big help
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A
male
reader, NightLad  +, writes (29 April 2009):
 Hi again,
Although this situation may not have ended in the best way for you, I think it did work out the best way it could. All things considered you found out relatively early about his issues (and it sounds like there is more than one) which would impede the formation of a healthy and open relationship, if you had decided to take it to the next level.
I know this knowledge can’t dull the hurt, but it will fade in time. Please don’t allow this experience to jade you toward further contact with people online or in real life. There are many great guys out there. Heck, I know a person who met her husband on MySpace and she didn't even use a picture of herself. He traveled across the country on Christmas Eve to meet her sight-unseen. They now have their first child together. It happens!
Remember to mention in your profile that honesty is something you consider important. You aren’t into mind-games and the people who contact you should not be either.
I wish you the best, hun.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advise. I took it and it turns out that it wasn't a joke. When I spoke to him his boyfriend had accused him of cheating and the guy I spoke to broke it off with him. He's confused about his sexuality so I said I'd give him time. About five seconds later he replied saying he was confused and couldn't date me. So he's broke it off with a bloke he was going to marry and adopt with (found that out this morning and feel awful) and broke off contact with me. Doesn't seem a nice guy. According to the boyfriend I wasn't the first girl either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): That's a pretty crappy joke to play if it is a joke, the only you will find out is by talking to him.
If he really was gay, then would his "boyfriend" really need to tell you to stay away? I don't think so to be honest.
Either way I'm sure he'll be quite embarassed about this, so thread lightly and try not to make a big deal out of it when you talk to him. The more relaxed about it he is the more likely you'll get the full story behind it.
Do take care though, meeting people online is a risky thing, it's hard to know if people are who they say they are because it's so easy to be somebody else online.
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A
male
reader, NightLad +, writes (29 April 2009):
Hi there,
That certainly does sound like a confusing situation.
Before we jump to any conclusions, I think it is important that you set a foundation of honesty and openness in your budding relationship by asking the guy you’ve been talking to about this. You don’t want him to mistake your [fully justified] concern for an accusation, so approach the topic gently. However, do not settle for anything less than a response that puts your mind at ease. If you need clarification, ask for it.
Let’s say he tells you it was a bad joke by a drunken friend. Explain to him that you are relieved because you were scared that the guy who messaged you was implying a threat. Hopefully this will help him understand how you feel and just how serious the situation was.
Also, regardless of how he responds, don’t be afraid to ask him if he is bisexual. If this matters to you in terms of forming a romantic relationship, well, now is the time to find out and to consider how such knowledge would impact your possible relationship.
If it turns out that he is having a relationship with another fellow, and the message was legitimate and the threat was real, than I think it is important for you to clearly tell him that entering into a relationship with him is not possible while his current relationship status is not resolved. (Providing you feel that a relationship with him is possible at this point, all things considered. Personally I’d not blame you if you didn’t. Gay or straight or bi, I find it unethical to enter a romantic relationship with another person while secretly still in a committed relationship. You deserve better.)
Most importantly, listen to your gut. If this situation has sent any warning feelings, or if any further ‘weirdness’ comes from him, I’d advise you to break off the relationship. Your personal safety is of primary importance. There are many great people on online dating/friendship sites; you don’t need to feel bound.
I hope this helps.
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