A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 19 years. And for the past 10 years me and my husband stopped having sex. I have tolerated this sad condition all these years. I just do it myself whenever I want a release. Our relationship has deduced to a roommate status. He doesn't sleep w/ me anymore, what I mean by this is we don't sleep in the same bed anymore. I know this is not an isolated case. Lots of married couples go through this. I don't love my husband that much anymore. Although I can't say that about him. I'm not sure if he still loves me or not. Is it ok to stay in this marriage? Loneliness sometimes can kill. Having an affair is justified, isn't it?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): Let him read this post and answers. Tell him you want to have an affair and realize it may change or end your marriage. He may be thinking the same thing. Regardless, be honest and loving. Why throw away 90% of a relationship if you can agree on the 10%? Sex in an affair can be exciting and rewarding but at what cost. Better he knows about it and either approves or not. be prepared for the same back at you. A friend of my wife's had a similar situation and she took a lover. He knew all about it and while he still wasn't interested in a sexlife, he liked hearing about hers. It saved their marriage.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): Your actions are bad and weak. You simply are using your husband and marriage, as a means to your own ends. Your husband for all his problems, is a person, not a tool to be used by you. I think it's time to end this marriage. You need to get on your own two feet and quit playing the porr little me role here. Learn to stand on your own--it will be hard and lonely at first. But what will come from that is your ability to be strong and know you can do it on your own. You will empower your life and when you do that...other's will take note of those admirable character traits in you, as well as your children.
You are married right now, only because you have a husband who is willing to allow you to use him. He has his own reasons for letting this happen. He hasn't posted here, about his own unhappiness, You have. You are the one, who has written in complaining about your emptiness, misery and wanting to have an affair, in order to feel good about yourself and to numb your loneliness and despair. Only you can decide to change and aspire to be someone better, but that cannot be attained by the wrong self-centeredness of using your husband and then wanting to step out on him, by cheating. End this...and get out there and make a life on your own for you and your children. Get to a lawyer and find out what needs to be done.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey cupidguy. Thanks for being so direct. It's really good to hear from a man's point of view. Did you settle the differences w/ your wife at the end? You seem to know all about my situation. I know you have been there, but are you still in that rut or you patched things up? It's easier said than done. How I wish I have the courage to just be separate fom him, but I can't. I'm sorry :(
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A
female
reader, BigSis  +, writes (3 August 2008):
 Oooh, Cupidguy! Norty norty...
...I see you in a different light now....
: )
...can you turn it down a little. LoL!!
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your advises. My friends always told me,"why seek divorce, if you are already living separate lives. at least for now, you are provided financially, except w/o sex and being lonely." They are right. I don't have desire for my husband anymore, but I also don't want a divorce, cause I'm sure he will not go for it. He will just tolerate this kind of life style. Work, work and work. Getting himself busy at work so he doesn't have to deal w/ things at home. That's his escape. For the mean time, here I am. Being lonely and trying to find my own happiness not w/ my husband. We are indeed living separate lives only the kids keeping us together.
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (3 August 2008):
Simple poetic advice..
*
It's good to be grown~up and wise,
And It's good to be honest and true,
But it's best to be off with the old love,
Before you start on with the new.
*
Hope you find happiness soon.
BigSis
xXx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): No Good trying to justify deceit...deceit is lying what ever justification you look for....and deceit hurts and damages people not the sexual act itself.
Try total honesty...see if you can both rejoin or tell him your looking else where for your sexual needs, and maybe you can both maintain your marriage but have an open one, who knows it may even excite him again? or go your separate ways and give him a chance too, he may be feeling the same as you but hanging in there.
just be honest, it is as simple as that and stop trying to find excuses to justify an affair. You spent ten years together no sex, did he have a gun pointing at you to make you tolerate the situation, probably not, you choose to accept the status quo, so you cannot totally blame him. had you both been honest in the first place with each other and yourselves i doubt you would be looking for justifications now, ten years later...face the truth and do something about the status quo, but don't blame others and don't look for justification in deciet, you will not find it.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (3 August 2008):
 Hi there, In answer to your question about the affair being justified. there is a trust issue, and if you are together, how do you think you would feel if he had an affair, and it turned into something that no body exepcted and he left you. OK, now back to the sexless multi-year time frame. Is there a health problem? If not then what happen to everybody tring to stimulate and keep alive the love affair between you two? Marriage takes work, two different personalities coming together, different needs, to stay in a marriage, you have to try on both parts to keep things fresh. Try different things, that you both might like, If you get into a habit, then everything becomes boring. When is the last time you gave him a back rub, or he you? Any sexy lingerie around? You both need to find some plat time together, bring back the romance. If you still care for each other, you can light the flame again. I love books, go to a bookstore and find a book on seducing you man, shock him senseless, with a new you, this can be done, and it can be fun. A candlelight dinner with nice soft music with just the two of you, get a little crazy and do a strip tease if you are not inhibited, it's worth it. A lttle creativity can go a long way to reviving a smoldering relationship. Find the fire that once burned between you. Give it that old college try, the two of you might be pleasantly surprised at the increased ardor. Daily surprises when he comes home, can have him rushing to be with you. Keep in touch, and let us know how you are coming along. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): I heard a good quote once, "Even in the strictest systems of belief, cheating, affairs and adultery is the one thing which need not be ever tolerated in marriages." This is what I sincerely believe. So no, it's not okay to have an affair and no, it's not okay to stay in your marriage if you are in a sexless relationship. Why? Because one of you wants the intimacy of sex and the other one doesn't seem to care to comply. Obviously 'you' still want that intimacy. Do you want that with your husband or not? If so, then why not get into marriage counseling to try to get that what was lost... back? Or perhaps, he has a medical condition that needs looking into (ED, low levels of testosterone, etc)
However, if you feel that is not the case, and you simply do not desire him, why are you are allowing yourself to remain trapped and miserable? Why are you still married? Is there a circumstance here, that weakens you to the point of living like this, when you don't have to? Are you financially dependant on him? Do you work? Are you educated? Are there children involved here? Have you empowered you own life to go it on your own and make a solid life for yourself? Do you fear loneliness and still want his companionship? Some people don't believe in divorce. But you and I know, that fidelity, love, loyalty and happiness need to be in a marriage, then you have to believe in divorce, because without these things, you don't have a marriage, do you.
If you are unhappy, then your relationship is the reason there are laws which permit divorce. It sounds like your marriage is bad. If your marriage is bad enough to end, it should be bad enough to end without another person coming into your life.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (3 August 2008):
When you're married, an affair is never justified. You need to talk to your husband about the situation and come to an agreement of some sorts. Cheating is hurtful to yourself and to your husband. It's always best to put yourself in his shoes and think about how you would feel if he was having an affair. It's betrayal. Talk to him first and see what you two can do. If it's not going to work then don't be married to him!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): r there kids? if not then (and i hate 2 say it) devorce should be a topic 2 come up in conversation......or better yet try some marrige councling!!
have u tryed talking 2 him about your problems?
and an affair is not something u want 2 do.....maybe if hes up for it u could try swinging.
hope this helped!!
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