A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone!Any help with this situation would be muchly appreciated!For years I have liked this guy who is 16yrs older than me and married =(, i tried my best to forget about him, but everytime i saw him it was back to square one. One day we were alone together and he asked me what i thought of him...i knew he knew that i had feelings for him, so i just said "I think you know how i feel about you!" and then he asked if he could kiss me. I told him i didn't think it was such a good idea, but he moved over to me and it happened. I felt terrible but it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. He told me he had liked me for ages. We decided to wait a couple of days then meet up and have a talk, which we did. He said he couldn't leave his wife and asked if i wanted an affair. I told him i didn't, which is now really hard to deal with as i can't stop thinking about him and just want to be with him all the time, but i know that affairs more often than not lead to bad places.I really don't know what to do to forget about him. He's the only man i have ever felt this way about. I've recently met another guy who is really nice and wants to be with me but i'm scared that i'll hurt him if i enter into anything because i'm still so hung up about the other one. I am so confused...any advice? XxX
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LucyLONDON +, writes (26 August 2008):
Hi
Hope you are okay.
I've read your question with interest as I'm currently in a relationship with a married man and my advice would be don't even think about going there. I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round that you can't get off. The reality (and rightly so, I know) is that you will always be at the bottom of his list. I didn't know in the beginning he was married - once I found out to my own astonishment I was hooked. When I'm with him its fantastic, when I'm not its horrible.
Hope you are stronger than me - I've got a feeling you are.
Take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): Hi!
I am the original poster of this question. I would just like to say thank you to everyone who took the time to reply and give such great advice. I am still finding it REALLY difficult to stop my feelings for him, and I just feel like I am NEVER going to get over him it's hell. I've decided to leave it with the other guy as I don't think i'm in the right frame of mind to be dating somebody else at the moment. Thanks again =( X
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): Believe me, you won't hurt this other guy! Guys don't care about where your feelings are, as long as you have enough dignity and moral clarity not to jump in bed with another man, which it sounds like you do. We are not like women, in that we don't get hurt (most of us) when we find out that our SO is in love with someone else. If he is really nice and wants to be with you, he will show you his affections, which is what you so desperately need in a man, and you will soon forget about this married man, and his incredulous attempt to use you to attempt to satisfy his own selfish desires.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (26 July 2008):
 Listen to your inner voice. Tell us, what do you think it is saying?
I think you've got a good idea about what this guy is about. Remind yourself everyday that you avoided becoming sloppy seconds to a woman who is married to a COWARD.
Good for you for salvaging your self-respect. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, cuteandsassy 2.0  +, writes (25 July 2008):
Married men are off limits. Do you really want to
be with someone who's willing to cheat on his wife?This new guy doesn't have to become your boyfriend but he could
be a welcome distraction. Think it over he might turn out to be someone special or just maybe a way to escape the
pressures of having a crush on someone unavailable.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (25 July 2008):
 You say you don't know what to do to forget him?
Don't forget him. Make him part of your fantasies like you might fantasise about a celebrity who you see regularly on television (or that completely fictional "perfect lover" who is somewhere in our minds - well, most of us, anyway!!). Once you manage to assign him to THAT class, the fantasy class, then it will be very much easier to move on - and certainly very much easier than trying to forget altogether.
Don't worry about being "hung up" on him Don't let it stop you trying a new relationship - and certainly don't feel guilty about still having feelings and urges about him. It's fine. Everyone (nearly everyone) has some sort of desire that doesn't involve their partner - and most of us keep it in the fantasy category. This man nearly didn't. You stopped it - so you already know you are strong enough not to let the fantasy of it damage your own future.
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A
female
reader, catlou18 +, writes (25 July 2008):
I would say this guy is getting what he can and then will push you back to go back to his wife. He totally dis-repected her, when he kissed you, if he really cared about you he wouldnt have and would have ended his marriage before commiting such a sneaky act. You shouldnt feel upset and guilty, as this man knew what he did was wrong and should have more repect for you.
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A
female
reader, catlou18 +, writes (25 July 2008):
I would say this guy is getting what he can and then will push you back to go back to his wife. He totally dis-repected her, when he kissed you, if he really cared about you he wouldnt have and would have ended his marriage before commiting such a sneaky act. You shouldnt feel upset and guilty, as this man knew what he did was wrong and should have more repect for you.
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A
female
reader, catlou18 +, writes (25 July 2008):
I would say this guy is getting what he can and then will push you back to go back to his wife. He totally dis-repected her, when he kissed you, if he really cared about you he wouldnt have and would have ended his marriage before commiting such a sneaky act. You shouldnt feel upset and guilty, as this man knew what he did was wrong and should have more repect for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): I cannot believe the morals of some people. I would NEVER go near a man if I knew he was married but hey, I guess my parents brought me up properly. The fact that you are considering it defies belief with me. The fact that he asked you to have an affair means he's an unbelieveable slimeball and still you can't see it. Have you heard the expression "what goes around comes around"?? Never do anything that you wouldn't want someone to do to you. Thank goodness for karma!!!
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (25 July 2008):
 P.S. I forgot to add that the married man that I had an affair with, I found out that He was messing around with 2 other girls the same time that he and I were seeing each other. That is how my girlfriend found out about him, because one of the other girls was a friend of a friend.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (25 July 2008):
Wow! I agree strongly with both "Tisha-1" and "Keria." Both have very valid points and are very well written.
I on the other hand, can't add too much to what they already said to you. TAKE THEIR ADVISE! Think logically and about what is best FOR YOU.
This man sounds like a dog who likes variety. He will only use you, then go on to the next one after he gets bored... just like he is doing to his wife.
Run away from him as fast as you can! There are plenty of single men out there. You don't need the complications of messing around with a married man. I know from experience because what Tisha and Keria described... I went through myself, when I had an affair with a married man at your age. But I didn't know that he was married, and could never figure out why I spent holidays alone, why I never met his family, why he never spent the night with me, why he was always in a hurry to leave after we had sex...UNTIL a year into the relationship, when a girlfriend of mine found out and told me about him.... I dumped him like a hot potatoe!
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A
female
reader, Keria +, writes (25 July 2008):
Well, there's more than one issue here:
1. An Affair
2. Your opportunity for love with a nice single guy
3. Honesty with the new single guy...
I'm not going to tell you that having an affair with a married man is wrong. However, a mistress needs to know her place. If you can be happy enjoying this man, and knowing that you are meeting a need in his life, then that's fine. The trouble is that as you see him more and more, and become more and more attached to him, you may want to become the wife. This isn't about to happen, and you can get extremely hurt. You might put pressure on the man to see you more and more. At first, he'll be elated by this, but after time, it will get more and more difficult for him to keep you secret with the pressure you'll put on him. Then he'll get caught, and everyone will be devistated. His wife may leave him, and even then it will be very unlikely that he'll be with you. More than likely he'll resent you afterward.
There is a saying that, "when a mistress becomes the wife, if leaves a job vacancy". Think about what that means, and the implications. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you... but it's possibly not in the way you want it to be. If you are strong enough to handle it, then you can make his life better, you can give him happiness he never knew before. But this is rare.
In the mean time, you've met this other guy... Reading between the lines, I don't think you're a real mistress type. I don't think you can handle it. My advice is to break it off with the married guy, and quit seeing him completely. Then you can feel free to start dating the single guy and see where that leads you. Don't go back to the married man again... it's like an addiction... you have to cut off all ties.
If you start seeing the single guy, and maintain the married man, you'll not only hurt yourself in the long run, but both these men, and the married man's family. If we lived in a different, more open society, you could tell the new guy about the old guy, and let him know you're open about it, and non-possesive, etc. etc... But you and I both know that's not likely to work here. So, I think you know the right answers... you just need the will, the strength, and the determination to do what's right.
Take care, my dear.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 July 2008):
 Hi, I'm glad to hear that you did not agree to have an affair with him, for a number of reasons. First is that you had some thought for his wife, I hope, as she would be very hurt if she ever found out. Second, as you know he's not going to leave her, your heart would eventually get broken. Third, you would have put your life on hold to be with him, do you realize that? You'd be alone on all major holidays, everyone else would be with their family and their boyfriends, you'd be celebrating alone. He'd go off on family holidays, you'd only get a night or two stolen time. You wouldn't be able to call him whenever you felt like talking to him. You couldn't just pop in and see him. You'd have to stay in the shadows and learn to hide your feelings for him from other people and it would force you to learn to lie well. Your own family would be so disappointed. If you want children, they would be raised by you alone, as he's not leaving his wife. Do I have to go on here?
The thing is that you'd be putting your life on hold for this man. You'll be missing out on great men and opportunities for a true committed relationship with a man who IS available.
You need to take off the hormonally fogged rose colored glasses you're wearing when you look at him, and really think logically about what you've just told us about him. He's a man who is willing to cheat on his wife. He's rather business-like about it. I expect that you are just one in a series of mistresses. He sounds too practiced at it to me. He's a man willing to betray his vows to his wife. He's a man willing to occupy your time and keep you from establishing viable relationships with other men. He's not thinking of you, he is thinking of himself. He's selfish.
I've met many cheaters in my life, and they are almost always handsome and charming and fun to be around. That's how they get their women on the side. If they weren't so charming, they wouldn't get any extra action on the side.
Sorry, you wanted help in getting over him. I'm being blunt about thes because you do need to THINK about this LOGICALLY, not with your heart. Your heart in this case would soon be broken. I know it's hurting now, but the pain you would experience would be much, much worse later.
Don't get involved with the other fellow right now if your heart isn't in it. You'll just be hurting him. I think the best thing for you to do is to go out on casual dates until the hormonal fog clears.
Take care.
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