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anonymous
writes: My wife and I have been married for 10 years now and we have been together 14 years with two lovely kids aged 9 and 4.During the last 8 years our relationship has had many ups and downs and we have separated twice but have got back together after a month or two. She had told me on numerous occasions that she no longer loved me and she wanted a divorce. Each time I was told, I was totally devastated and pleaded with her, that it could work! I was hoping that the problems might have stemmed from the very stressful job she has and that her frustrations were taken out at home after a hard and frustrating day at work. Her dad also passed away a couple of years ago and this just added to her unhappiness.Our last split was last year, valentines day to be precise but I managed to persuade her to give it one more try. I pulled all the stops out and arranged for us to go on holiday to Florida, even though it was beyond our budget, but thought that it would help her de-stress and hopefully, our relationship would improve.At first, it was very awkward for both of us, as I knew that she really didn’t have her heart in it to make the relationship work but as time went by on holiday, our relationship did improve!When we got home, slowly but surely, the relationship got better but I sensed that the stress of work was still making her unhappy! I have tried to suggest that she changes her job, or even pack in work and that I would support us, but she wasn’t happy with the compromises that we would have to make re. this option. E.g. moving to a smaller house, downgrading cars, fewer holidays etc…As things were getting better, I knew that her stress levels would come back and with that in mind, I arranged a second holiday to the Greek Islands. This was a great success and this time around, our relationship improved massively, we were intimate again and we even started to have a sex life again! I was very happy and I assumed my wife was too!After arriving back, slowly but surely the relationship started to get worse and I could sense that she was starting to become unhappy again! I tried to talk to her but she just didn’t want to talk to me about her/ our problems stating that I was nagging her! As time went by, she become more and more isolated from me! She didn’t like any physical contact from me, no hugs, no kisses, not even to have any conversation! Eventually after persistant nagging, she told me that she doesn’t love me and feels trapped, suffocated in the relationship and that she deserved better! I am devastated!I purchased a book “Stop your Divorce in 28 days” which has given me a lot of useful advice e.g. Do the opposite of what’s not working, Agree to a divorce as it diffuses the negative behaviour, be understanding, etc….. but although I have tried these techniques including agreeing to a divorce, they don’t seem to be working!I just want advice of what to do, as my wife won’t talk to me and I get the impression that she doesn’t want me, or anyone else for that matter, to change her mind that divorce is answer to her problems!Please help
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2005): She might need to seek medical attention for depression. She actually has syptoms of manic depression which consist of highs and lows in mood swings. If you don't take care of it now it may just get worse. I would suggest counseling for the BOTH of you first. Let the licensed counselor make their call on the matter. You say she feels trapped and you nag to much..What is making her feel that way? If you ask that question in a loving way and right way and she is not open to discussing it then I would seek the counseling immediately!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2005): Thanks for your reply RachelYes, I agree that the book has not worked, although I do feel that it can make some relationships improve, but I guess at what cost!Since posting this original question, I have agreed for us to part. I do suspect however, that she may have someone else, from certain obvious signs! I have not confronted her about this as I do think that it will serve no purpose!I have it in my mind to start over with what little she is prepared to give me re. equity from our home but at least she has agreed for us to have joint custody of the kids which has made the bitter pill easier to swallow!I hope that you, too, will find happiness after this traumatic experience.Once again, many thanks.
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A reader, Rachel, writes (14 March 2005): Hello, I totally understand how you are feeling. I too am in the same position. I have tried all the begging and pleading, then turned to a book called "stop your divorce". I have been following the strategies for a while, but really believe they do not work. Don't you think that the book tries to get you to trick your feelings? I think it encourages you to act and feel in ways that you do not really believe.I am about to lose my house and everything that I hold dear, and right now things seem bleak, but I truly believe that time is a great healer and we will both look back on this time sometime in the future and laugh, or I hope so anyway.There are many people in this world that do not realise what they have got until it is gone. You have been willing to try and your wife has just walked out. Try to forget her, move on and in time I'm sure you will find someone that truly deserves your efforts.Good luck, hope you feel better soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2005): yes means yes... sadly
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