A
female
age
30-35,
*heorygeek
writes:My boyfriend and I broke up last week. He told me he wanted to break up because I was controlling and angry. We have been together for about two years and spend every day with each other. A few days after we broke up I called him and apologized. Telling him I had a lot going on and shouldn't have taken it out on him and was hoping to meet him up again and talk. He agreed to meet up but he didn't want to talk about the relationship. He just wanted to see how things went. We spent the night together last night and the night before. We did end up having sex. I am told that is usually bad when getting back into a relationship but it didn't feel wrong. I had been with him for two years and we had only been broken up for a week. So he dropped me off at my house today and said he was going to go home and have sometime for himself, playing video games ect. I asked him what was he thinking and he didn't give me a certain answer. He told me he can tell that I am trying hard to change and it will take a while of us hanging out before he gets back into a relationship with me, if he even wants that.He even told me he wasn't going to unblock me on facebook yet. He was not giving me a sure answer. So I let it be and he left. I'm just know wondering if he is even thinking about taking me back? He did agree to hang out with me, see me, and be with me the past two days. Is it normal for people who break up and get back together to take things slow and not get back together immediately? What are your thoughts? opinions? Ways I can win his love back? Help me, I love this man dearly!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): Never allow yourself to be a victim of violence again. No man, or woman, has a right hit you.
Restraining you against your will is a crime. Aside from hitting you, that guy broke laws that could get him jail time. Swerving your car and battery are crimes, and you should have pressed charges.
I sensed details may have been missing in your original post; which is why I mentioned there are two sides to every story. You accepted blame too easily; and I knew there had to be more to it than you were letting on. You loved him and you didn't want anyone to judge him harshly.
I did suggest that you learn to go on without him. Second chances rarely work out. The issues that broke you up the first time often get worse; or you finally come to the conclusion it isn't working, once the old reasons come back to light.
Please take care of yourself and never accept blame for anyone hurting you. You have a right to stand up and voice your opinion; or let someone know when they've crossed the line with you.
Next time any man lays a hand on you, contact the police. If you don't, its giving him permission to do it again. It's also saying you feel you deserved it.
I don't care how angry you make him, he has no right to harm you physically, mentally, or verbally. NEVER ALLOW ANYONE TO GET AWAY WITH VIOLENCE AGAINST YOU!
If they verbally-abuse you; that is cause to put an end to the relationship. That is because it will only get worse. Verbal abuse will eventually evolve into psychological abuse, and finally escalate to physical abuse. I think your experience has taught you that what I've said is true.
I'm glad to have helped.
A
female
reader, theorygeek +, writes (3 September 2013):
theorygeek is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice.
here is an update to the situation. We did end up getting back together. WiseOwlE, He did flip the script on me. He blamed me for everything that is what I came away with during this current break up. He would hit me, call me stupid, tell me im worthless . . . When I didn't agree with him he would swerve my car or drive it recklessly and when I tried to leave him he would physically hurt me. He made me feel bad for eeverything. I didn't have anger problems, i realized that now. I started standing up for myself. When he would tell me I'm stupid or try to physically hit me, I would tell him I'm leaving his house for the night and we would hang out again tomorrow, he would hold me down and physically abuse me until I agreed to stay. We recently broke up again because he said that we are not alike and I am too emotional. I feel anyone would be emotional being talked down to everyday by the person you love. I don't believe it was me anymore. I don't even know if I love him anymore because I have not even cried during the break up. I do think of him with every passing moment and still somehow try to think of ways I could have done anything better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2013): I don't think he wants to get back together with you. That doesn't mean he is averse to having you in his life in some capacity. he's ok seeing you now but he doesn't want to get as 'close' to you as before, because he found it to be a horrible experience.
Often, with difficult people (as your bf has characterized you), it's less stress to keep some distance from them. Doesn't mean he wants to cut off all ties with you, just that he doesn't want to be as involved with you as before.
I think you should consider that you've burned your bridge with him, and assume that he does not want to get that close to you, he wants to keep a distance.
you should learn to be less controlling and angry so you don't end up driving away your next boyfriend too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): When someone breaks up with you, it's better to focus on getting on without them. They may never change their minds.If you have control and anger issues, you aren't going to solve them over-night. He isn't a fool, he knows you; and he also knows better than that.Just because you're sorry and you spent a little peaceful time together, doesn't mean you reversed and deleted all the mean things you've said and done. You have to own up to the damage you've done. You also have to consider how much you may have hurt him. He's not perfect. Has he hurt you too? There are two-sides to every story. I'll give you benefit of the doubt, sometimes people manipulate you to flip the script. They make you take all the blame.You keep referring back to the length of time you've been together. The present is what you need to focus on.Maybe two years is as long as it took for him to finally decide he has had enough of your anger and controlling ways. He gave you two years to change. A few nights you may have tried to bribe him with sex, and behaved as sweetly as you can. He has a two-year history to look back on. You don't seem to deny his opinion about anger and control.He can forgive you and move on, but he doesn't have to put his life on hold and prolong dealing with the issues that lead to breaking up with you anymore. There were obviously a series of events that let up to the present, resulting in a breakup.What is going on in his head? The good times you both had. He is feeling hurt and sad. He feels conflicted inside, and wants to end it. He is tired of being in a relationship that got so bad that he finally had to break up. He wants to find someone compatible and he wants to get over you. Maybe he has already found someone else. He fears your anger and retaliation. You'll probably make a nasty scene.More important than that, you need to figure out what's going on inside of yourself. You're the one you have to live with when he's out of the picture. What will you have to offer; if you meet someone else in the future? Other than wanting him back. You need to get to the source of your anger, and what makes you want to control him. You need to find out how to get the strength to let him go; so you can work on yourself. He is not the master of your fate. You are. You may have outgrown him. People change. You shouldn't change for other people. You change for yourself. If you do things that are hurtful to other people, you'll never have a successful relationship. So ask a close friend other than your boyfriend, what they see that needs work. Don't be hurt or angry. You really need to know if he is being truthful. You may already know. I sense you do.You may need to be with a different type of guy, he may not be able to handle your personality anymore. Of course he will find himself wanting to be with you, but he wants the girl he first met. He isn't happy with who you are now; so maybe you need to look inward to find out if there really is a problem; or if it is only his problem. Guys makeup excuses sometimes when they want to be with someone else. That's why you have to mentally and emotionally prepare to let him go, and begin your own healing process. The fear of rejection and abandonment will overwhelm you. So you will not easily accept breaking up.You can drag it out, but don't expect things to feel the same if you do get back together. You'll always be on pins and needles. Afraid you'll upset him, and you'll always be afraid to express your true feelings; if you you think he'll disagree. What about your temper and desire to control him? Will they just disappear?Can you live like that?You are very young. You will learn, grow, and mature with each and every relationship. Don't be too hard on yourself.The feelings of loss and grief when we breakup are terrible, but you will get through it. That's the advantage of being so young and inexperienced. You have a long future ahead of you. You will meet other boys.
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