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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi!My question is basically this: How do I talk with my husband about sex without hurting his feelings?We’ve been together for 17 years (we are 45 now). At the beginning, as is always the case, things were fine. OK, I’ll be honest, when I say fine, I don’t mean great. It was obvious that he had some physiological issues, and we were dealing with it. Over the years, things got progressively worse. And I own my part of the responsibility for not talking about it. The problem is that he suffers from anxiety AND obsessive thinking. Let’s say we’re planning a picnic and I casually say that I hope that it won’t rain. He’ll think obsessively about the possibility of rain, and it will ruin his day. Imagine I tell him the truth (even in the nicest of ways that boils down to this: ) that we need to make more effort in that department. I’m not satisfied. Not by far. He won’t be able to stop thinking about it in a negative and defeatist way.My problem has been for the past 10 – 15 years (I know, please don’t judge me for not speaking up sooner, but he was always having some issues) that I get NOTHING out of our love making apart from some mild pleasure. The last time we did it, it lasted less than 5 minutes (undressing included). He simply can’t keep his erection for longer than that. So, there’s absolutely nothing but a very short lasting pleasure for him. There’s no time for foreplay. He KNOWS that it’s not OK. But he always says it will get better. It never does. I keep encouraging him. But truth be told, I am lying even though I always try to find something positive, I am lying.I’ve tried all sorts of things. He’s rarely interested. I’ve asked him what he would like… He doesn’t want to see a therapist again, because he has changed 3 over the years and things didn’t work out. Before I say what I’m about to say I need to clarify things. I would never ever cheat on my husband. That is not who I am. No matter what. I really thought I was done with this. I really thought that this is what my life was going to be like and that I just have to live it like that. And then I met a guy (we’ve crossed paths at work 3 times, and I will never see him again) and my body woke up. Just like that. I realized how much I miss it. This is when it hit me. I’m in great shape and I take care of myself (my husband does that too). Some men who don’t know (or don’t care) that I am married make passes at me. My husband jokes about it from time to time but he KNOWS that I will never cheat on him or leave him. Honestly, I am not sure anymore about this last part. I can’t live like this till the end of my days. It’s not just sex, I walk on eggshells about everything. I will never tell him that I’ve spotted a problem unless I find a solution for it. I think he suffers, that’s true, but I also believe that he got too comfortable when it comes to my being dedicate to him and our relationship. So how do I talk to him about this without making his anxiety going through the roof?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2022): For the sex problem he needs Viagra. From the ads I hear it's pretty easy to get without going your doctor, but to a virtual doctor. Late 40s my husband had ED issues. He was too embarrassed to tell his regular doctor. He did get the pills and all is good for almost 20 years now. They really work.
But there was maybe 3 years I was feeling like you. I never had the conversation with other women, but I get off on giving oral. Use your imagination down there, fantasize -- the guy at work comes to mind.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 July 2022):
 Could be he needs to see a doctor. Not being able to keep an erection can be a sign of illness.
Or he is JUST not all that interested in sex and never really was?
I get that he is anxious and overthink things (sounds like a version of OCD) but you have to be able to also TALK to him and be HONEST with him. If your sexlife sucks, think of things you would LIKE to try (with him) and suggest them. Do ONE thing at a time. To not overwhelm him.
"I also believe that he got too comfortable when it comes to my being dedicate to him and our relationship."
No, he got too comfortable with you CARRYING his anxiety for him. You are the one now OVERTHINKING things and not bringing anything up unless you have a solution.
A married spouse (so BOTH of you should be dedicated to your marriage.
TALK to him. Tell him you MISS the sex you used to have and that you would like to make MORE of an effort to make it last a bit longer.
BY not telling him, you are "telling him" that all is well and HE doesn't have to put in more of an effort. Talk to him. You can do this in a gentle manner. How can HE improve if he already thinks he is doing just fine?
I'd still say he ought to see a doctor and get a yearly check up.
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