A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We have been going out for 10 months. I'm 32 and she is 28. We both were looking forward to a future together. We have been through a lot of things. Travels, family, going out together, sorting challenges out as a couple and things are great.Few days ago, I did and said something that is hurtful and she said she needed space.Tonight, we met up, she said it was the built up of the little things since the relationship and the last event made it all exploded.I bought her flowers, letters and she appreciates all that.I asked if she will give me a chance and give us a chance. She didn't say yes. She said 'we will see'. When I pressed what did you mean, she said just take it slow and see.I was confused as hell what did she mean by take it slow. When we were going for coffee, she still grabbed my hands, and when I was leaving we did have goodbye kiss. I asked if if she still love me, even a little bit, she said of course she loves me, and there's no question about that and I confirmed it twice on two different occasions.We talked on the phone when I came back home and I tried to seek further clarification about going slow. She was a very optimistic person. But she said she wasn't sure if this relationship will work. But she is not writing it off yet.I told her that I will need a chance so she can see if it will work. If you go half speed, it wouldn't work. She has to believe in me and it will work.She knows that I love and care about her.I would like to know what my chance is. What is the best way for me to maximise my chance? If I stop doing what I did and say to hurt and annoy her, will she come back? Or if the relationship is as good as gone.
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female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (3 February 2012):
 That's it??? I'm sorry but this is an incredible petty argument. I was seriously waiting to hear that you made a lewd comment about her family, met up with your ex without telling her, etc. Not this! Pick and choose your battles. This isn't worth fighting over! Seriously, if you spend your relationship fighting over every little comment, situation you're never going to have a happy one.
THE REAL PROBLEMS:
- You need a to get a grip on your insecurities. If you don't, that's part of the reason it's driving this relationship into the ground. You don't need to see your girlfriend everyday. If she's busy on Monday then you need to accept that and not through a tantrum..and tell her you'll see her in a week. That's incredibly childish for a 30-35yr old. I would expect that type of behavior from a 16-23 yr old, not you.
-Watch what you say to her. You made her out to be the "bad guy" when she didn't even say anything remotely offensive to you. Again, that goes along with get your insecurities in check.
-Learn to communicate properly. She needs to ask you if she wants you to do something, men aren't mind readers. You to need to learn what she says is exactly what she means. There's no hidden, underlying messages. She says take it slow, that means take it slow.
I don't know if her mind is made up, I'm not a mind reader. What I can tell you is give her the space she wants and she'll come around. If you try to push and shove to instantly rectify this situation, it will backfire on you.
To sum it up, I believe this relationship is salvageable...BUT you need to give her what she wants right now. In the meanwhile, you work on keeping your insecurities in check. That is a huge problem of this relationship. Dealing with someone who has emotional baggage from past relationships is a hassle and almost not worth the relationship. Then work on your communication issues when you two get back together. For now, one step at a time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have been together for 10 months. I was at time pretty insecure due to my past relationships and said and did silly at times that annoyed her. Sometimes she got upset, but we talked about it and I apologised and got over it. It started on last Saturday when I was leaving her house. I was going to do something for her when I was coming over but I forgot and she said oh you can do it next time. I took it wrongly and said to her that she didn't make me feel good and I felt being used. That's the worst thing I could have said. I then apologised and said that's not true and I shouldn't have said that and she accepted my apologies.The next day (Sunday), we planned to have movie night and I stayed over but in the morning and said can we meet up on Monday because she needs to help mum doing the lawn. I was a bit upset as I knew she did that because she was a bit upset the previous night and needed space. So in the afternoon, I called her and asked if she wanted to go to movie with me and she said thanks so much for the invitation and she would love to but she couldn't due to helping mum doing the lawn. Later she called back and said that she was upset because I didn't offer to help and and I said what did you want me to do. You didn't ask for help so I was going to do something fun by myself and I did ask her if she wanted to go. On the way to ght movie, I got her missed call so I went straight to her house. She was upset and I was too, and she said if you wanted to go to movie just go and do what you wanted, but I stayed to help out. Later had dinner there at about 6PM and I wanted to go and she said I could stay longer if I want to. I told her that I didn't feel comfortable because she didn't want to see me on Sunday in the first place. That got her upset.So she messaged and organised a catch up on Tuesday instead of Monday and that got me upset because I couldn't see her on Monday she said she was doing some activities with her mum and sister. I was partly upset because she didn't include me or ask me which she usually do. I think partly due to she needs space. So I messaged back I couldn't do Tuesday, as I'm going out with friends on bike ride on Tuesday by myself as it is only fair as she did have time to herself on Monday.So on Tuesday we tried to organise another time to catch up, and I stupidly said if she wants to catch up on NEXT TUESDAY, which is a week from now. That got her upset as she thought that is too long, she said if that's what you want then fine. So we are both upset.I called on Tuesday evening and tried to calm things down and organise a time to meet. She said how about next week! I said to be honest, I couldn't wait that long as I know if we didn't get it resolved asap, it will die. She said that's what you SAID. I said sorry.For the next few days, she started to turn COLD. Didn't care anymore. I tried to give her space but at the same time trying to organise a meet up so we can resolve it.We met up on Thursday evening over coffee. She was calm, collect, civil, and I apologised etc. She said I am listening and I understand what you are saying. I asked if she will take me back, she hesitated and said we will see. I asked what did you mean we will see, she said take it slow and see how it goes.I know she is someone who doesn't play game and and string me along. I don't know if she is doing the play it slow to cool it down so it is easier for me and her to break up? I asked in the car, so are we a couple, are we exclusive, she said yes. I asked so are we still seeing each other and do things together, she said there's no reason why not. I'm very close to her family too and maybe she thought we are best as friends so it in the best way?I had a phone call to her last night and she said she does love me but she is not sure if this relationship can work out. Normally she's very positive and optimistic. She is not like that.This morning I called to say good morning and sounds normal and receptive and I said I would like us to work it out in the next few days, and she said it sounds good. Maybe that's her way of calming me down?Is her mind make up?Anything I can do?
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (3 February 2012):
You have to tell the whole story to get the best answers. I have to know what you said and did in order to make the call on whether this relationship is dead or salvageable.
Through her actions she's obviously hurt, may have yet to fully forgive you, and is unsure about this relationship.
Take it slow means you're working on possibly getting back together. As of right now it doesn't sound like you're together but trying to reconcile your differences.
If you want to keep her, then you need to give her some space, and not try to jump back into the ways things were. This event changed things permanently.
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