A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do anymore.I have been dating my current boyfriend for almost six months now, and he's amazing - sweet, thoughtful, sensitive, and very much like me. I have never dated anyone like him and I am very happy with the way his is... except for one thing.We live and work in different cities, about an hour away from each other. I work about 42 hours a week, while he works 50 (luckily, we share weekends off). When we first started dating, he actually did most of the driving, but now, I do almost all of it. I drive to see him about 4 times a week, while he comes to see me about 4 times a MONTH.His reasoning is that because he works more hours than me, it makes more sense for me to come down, and the driving time just makes the time we work "even." I feel like our work hours aren't so different, and that what counts is time and effort put into the relationship. It feels unequal but he doesn't see it that way at all. He says he works so hard that he's giving all he has, but I'm getting resentful that I am the one who puts forth the most effort.The problem is that I am now looking for a job near where he lives. I want to move to that area anyhow, but I wouldn't be rushing it so much if it weren't for him. Am I making a mistake? What am I supposed to think when he won't come see me anymore? I am trying to change careers for him, and everything is pretty much perfect except for this. Do I ignore it since I'll be moving soon? I don't know what to do anymore... help! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your input. You make some excellent points, and I talked to him about the situation. We made a lot of progress and got the issue out in the air, and I feel a lot more comfortable now. Thank you for your time! :)
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (4 December 2010):
 I completely agree with you, the time and effort you put into a relationship should never be lumped in with the time you spend at work. He's only saying that because the difference leans in his favour.
You need to stop making this relationship convenient for him. He's not driving down as often because you're willing to put in more effort, and he knows that. He's gotten lazy because you're doing all the work. If this continues, 'he only drives up 4 times a month' will turn into 'we don't see each other unless I drive there'.
Once you stop taking care of everything for him, he'll either wake up and put more effort in or he just won't bother. If it's the latter, he's not worth staying with.
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