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female
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anonymous
writes: my five day old son passed away last night in my arms at home. it was completely unexpected. i was nursing him and his twin brother when i noticed that only Seth was awake and still feeding. i waited until Seth had finished (always takes longer) and went to put him and Jack down. when i placed them in the cot they share i noticed that Jack was a bit blue around his lips, i had done first aid training and knew to check his fingernails, they too were blue. i listened for his breathing then called an ambulance. they arrived within ten minutes and i have to say they were great. but Jack passed away in the ambulance with me cradling him and seth together. the hospital told me we would need a post-mortem to diagnose. i am at a loss of what to do, my husband and i decided to have a baby by IVF when we found out he had a rare form of cancer he wanted to be able to give me the child i always wanted, now i have not only lost him, but one of our precious babies. how do i not let myself be too overprotective of Seth? i am scared to look at him as they were so identical. im scared that as Seth celebrates his birthdays, good points, bad points i will feel that there should be two of them and will resent him for surviving. is this natural? i am so scared for my little boy. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, shania  +, writes (1 February 2006):
 I know exactly what you are going through,i lost my baby daughter many years ago and she would of been 14 this year if she had lived.When my son was born 2 years later i was very protective of him...i still am to a degree,so it is only natural that you should feel worried about your little seth.You have lost a child and there is no loss greater then that...there is no time limit on grief and no matter what anyone says that time is a great healer,you will never forget your little son jack.I would recommend counselling because they are especially trained in those kind of things and they do a wonderful job in getting you through the hard times.Talk to your husband...keep the communication going because that is so important.You wont resent seth because you love him and when he grows up you will be able to talk about his little brother and how much you cared for him.The worry you are feeling now is perfectly normal and in time as seth grows older you wont be as anxious as you were before,i had this anxiety as well,and i thought it would never pass but it does in time.While you do grieve for baby jack....enjoy your little seth as well,i think you are a brillant mum! Good luck.xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2006): I don't think any postings into this website can get any harder than this one. You have suffered a monumental loss and my sincerest condolences to you. Your posting has hit a very personal note with me and my heart goes out to you because, 2 weeks ago, I lost my baby niece to Edward's Syndrome and she too, died in her Father's arms. Please, don't be scared for little Seth. You sound like an incredibly brave and stoic woman...and Seth will flourish and grow with the abundance of love you have for him. My best suggestion is to seek some advice from a family doctor and he can help you get some counseling in regards to your concerns about Seth. I sincerely hope you find the strength to cope in the days ahead. Grieving is a process that takes awhile and everyone has different ways of coping with it. It comes uninvited and it's never in a hurry to leave. It will occupy a room in your heart for a long time and that is understandable after the huge loss you have suffered. When one is grieving, we hear people talking to us, we hear ourselves respond, but you don't know how we did it and it's tough to remember what was even said. Mother nature is amazing-it seems our bodies have an hidden ability that kicks in and we become survival machines when our heads and our hearts don't want always function because of the pain & sorrow. We are never the same after something like this, strikes us. We do get through it, but we never get over it. I'm sure you will keep the wonderful memories of your baby and husband ongoing, in your heart and they should always be remembered. You might consider keeping a putting a picture memory book together of Seth's brother and Father, for him to have when he grows up. Good luck, take care and hang in there..our hearts are with you.
Hugs, Irish
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