A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im forced into having another abortion...Let me explainAbout 2 years ago i met this guy when i was 17 and fell in love with him. He was my first love and pretty much first everything even though Ive had boyfriends befre I didnt trust them the way I thought I trusted him. Anyway we fell in love I got pregnant and had an abortion for the both of us as we both werent ready. We had a conversation where basically we agreed we weren't ready for kids and blah blah blah basically that if I was to ever get pregnant I would abort. But I got pregnant again and had a miscarriage this time.... shortl,y after that I had gotten over it and my boyfriend asked me to marry him and said thatif I was to get pregnant again that we should keep it.... Here I am now I got pregnant and he asked me to abort again... I pleaded for him to let me keep it he agreed and told his family while I told my bestfriend and my family. we also picked out our little boy's name ande everything.However, last night after I had just gotten my letter from the antenatal clinic he says hes not sure if he loves me as much as he used to because of the pregnancy and he feels like we're not a team ... whatever that means.... he said he felt like i trapped him and that i've changed .....I told him that wold get the abortion after my scan which happens to be a day away and that I couldn't be with someone who could d something like that... he got my hopes up told me he loved me loads and all of those lies and then told me to kill my baby ... He eventually convinced me to say with him I cried for hours last night to a point I passed out and I couldnt sleep ... I want this baby it's not fair that he thinks i'm being selfish because he thinks he's sacrificing his life for me and I still want this baby ... I don't know what to do ... If I keep the baby he said he's stay with me and that he'd love us but i don't want him to resent me or the baby for ruining his oh so important social life If I get rid of the baby I keep him but I'd hate myself Or I could keep the baby lose my boyfriend and be a single parent but that doesn't seem like a good idea ...Please help me... please I really don't know what to do...Any advice would be greatly appreciated
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female
reader, Star_07  +, writes (18 December 2007):
 Just decided to check up on this post. Its AMAZING that people are still saying "get on birth control" or "dont have sex." Come on people, she already followed up on that issue!
Male anon below me:
I just want to comment about women being an emotional wreck and men are expected to hold it together. I dont think that at all but trying to force an abortion is entirely different than the emotional stress of being pregnant and carrying the child to term.
And another thing, people say that he is just being honest. Ok, I will give him the credit of trying to be honest but I still question why he would say that he loves her less because of the pregnancy. So, he would love her more if she had the abortion? I dont think so.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): I agree the guy should have to deal with the consequences of his actions. I never didn't agree with that. I've just been saying this is a complicated story and it's not right to oversimplify it into "bad guy, poor girl" terms.
People act like a pregnant girl is allowed to be an inconsistent emotional wreck for 9 months but the father has to have a perfect unyielding & supporting opinion from day one. That's not fair to the father. He is under just as much stress (YES, it's just as much) as the mother is right now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): Male reader, honesty is great and all. But I think
it's it doesn't mean you get away with the consequences of your actions.
First of all, girl, please quit having tons of unprotected sex when you are not married! You are so young, and you've already tied yourself up with such an uncaring BF and babies, live ones and dead. First, you have to realize that you NEED HELP AND CHANGE. Not just some advices online from regular people, but from progessional counselors and pastors and people in your life that you really respect and believe them to be a good model. usually those kind of people give more mature advices.
Secondly, I feel badly that your BF changes his mind and is truly an irresponsible person. But guessing from your age, I think not only he is too young to be ready, you are not ready as you think you. Having a baby is not just cus you want one. They have a whole life of troubles waiting for them if they don't grow up with lots of devoted and undivied attention and love from both parents. I would propse not aborting the baby. But I really think maybe you shoul ask for A LOT OF HELP from your willing family. If not, then you will have to put her up for adoption. Anyhow, I personally believe life is extremely holy, and not up for your little boyfriend to say, especially when you are already pregnant. The point here is YOU BOTH HAD
THE SAY BEFOREHAND. But you didn't make a responsible deicison. You need to grow up and learn life first before
freely allowing yourself to be gregnant. You must take
equal responsibility as your BF in getting pregnant, and for the aborted and unborn babbies. It is not OK to mess around with life. Based on your story, you will not be able to provide for your children, because you are both acting immaturely, as you should be at your age. But don't sleep together anymore if you are not going to use protection. That is not ok. Go see counselling from a trusted source, preferably someone older.
God Bless.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): The morality of abortions in general is a whole different discussion. (For those who disaprove of all abortions, please provide a convenient link to some form of 100% effective birth control and we can abolish the practice immediately.)
I see a male who isn't sure what he wants. He wants to do the right thing but he does not want a baby right now either. He is young and dealing with huge issues, just like she is.
His GF comes onto here and people begin telling her that he is "emotionally abusive" because he is only as human as most of us would be in that situation. Only a male trying to stick by his pregnant GF would be called "emotionally abusive" for this.
-- I guess everyone would much rather that he lie about how he feels now and raise a child with that kind of lie in the relationship?
-- What if he said "I want the baby" right now (as a lie) and then she lets that opinion sway her into having the baby when SHE may have already been on the fence? What if this "steady support" from him ended up causing them to have a baby that neither one of them were really sure about, but they both wanted to please the other at the time?
-- The reason he says he sometimes feels "trapped" and that he "doesn't love her as much" is because it's probably just TRUE! HE'S TRYING TO KEEP COMMUNICATION HONEST AND OPEN, not just spare her feelings now because it sounds nicer in the short-term. When you're male and your GF gets pregnant (repeatedly) when there was no plans for a baby and you're using birth control, do you not think that is a reason to maybe feel a little "trapped" by the baby? Just a little?
My original point still stands.
This guy has taken the reasonable steps within his power to avoid being a father, and his GF has still gotten pregnant several times. God Forbid that he might have some strong, conflicted, and even a little betrayed/trapped, feelings about it now.
I am still not trying to attack the pregnant girl, just to cut the guy some much-needed slack.
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A
female
reader, hurleyflipflop +, writes (20 November 2007):
 First of all you should be ashamed of yourself that you are letting a man decide for your own childs LIFE. Second of all, abortion isn't birth control, have you ever heard of the Pill or a condom before ending more innocent lives? Or opening your legs yet again?
Stop allowing a man to make decisions for you, or grow a spine and leave him. LIFE isn't something to be toyed with, or thrown away.
GROW UP
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (15 November 2007):
What has this guy done wrong? First of all, he waivered on a subject that is VERY personal and should NOT be taken lightly. After two pregnancies, you think that it was okay for him to believe that it wouldnt happen again? If in fact he was that blind, then maybe he should consider how SHE is feeling! No man can really know what its like to have an abortion or miscarriage and the emotional trauma that plays into that. The reason why I think he is an "insensitive jerk" is when he says he is not sure if he loves her as much! What is that? He is not working with her as a TEAM as he puts it, trying to understand how she feels and his lack of affection is putting undeserved stress on the situation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): This question/answers makes me a little sick to my stomach.
WHAT THE HELL DID THIS GUY DO THAT WAS WRONG?
Somebody please spell it out to me. All I hear is that since his GF has gotten pregnant several times, he has now become an insensitive jerk for not wanting to have children yet.
1. He was honest with his position the whole time.
2. He (either used himself or believed she was using) some form of birth control every time they had sex.
3. He thought they agreed that they weren't ready for a baby the first time so they aborted it.
4. His position wavered one single time during a discussion that was very highly emotional. (If it was a female's opinion on the situation that had briefly wavered like this, you all know GODDAM WELL that you wouldn't be holding it against her to this extent later on.) She was not pregnant at the time he said this one other opinion. And he had no specific expectation that she actually would become pregnant again at the time either. They continued to use birth control afterwards.
What, exactly, makes this guy a jerk for all this? HE DOESN'T WANT KIDS RIGHT NOW! Everyone acts like the fact that the girl has gotten pregnant several times means he no longer has a right to his opinion anymore. Well, F*CK that. Males have some rights too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): If he really love you he would let you keep your baby its your body he got you pregnant twice and didn't want to keep none of them that should tell you something
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (14 November 2007):
Yes I agree with rockelle about your boyfriend's responsibility in this. If he is man enough to lay down with you, after you have already been pregnant twice, then he should be ready to do whatever he has to do and support your decision no matter what you decide to do. Make this decision based on what you feel is best, not what he is feeling this moment or that moment. I also agree with peoriaman on the counseling issue. If he is not willing to go to counseling, I think you should at least go to a counselor or talk to someone about this. I don't believe you have resolved your issues from the last two pregnancies, because you do feel a loss. Did he give you time to grieve over them? Thats truamatic in itelf. Please go talk to someone, dont deal with this alone.
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (14 November 2007):
 Well, I am sorry for jumping to the conclusion that you weren't on birth control. After the additional info that really makes a difference and I am sure it makes your decision making process more complicated. Your doctor should have told you about the risk of you getting pregnant as a result of the meds you were on. I would definately bring to his attention the impact that his failure to educate you had on your relationship. Your bf still should have been using a condom as back up if he did not want you to get pregnant.
I hope that everything works out for you. Do you think that your relationship can recover from all of this?Whether you keep the baby or not. You have a very hard decision to make.
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (14 November 2007):
You need to decide whats best for you. Don't let him pressure you into an abortion because that is something you can never take back. If I were you, I would keep the baby. I would rather struggke being a single mom than deal with the pain of getting an abortion, especially after you say you want this baby? Id go seek advice from your family and friends on this issue, they will be more considerate than your boyfriend!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe're not actually married we're engaged and I am on contraception I have been for a year and before that I wasn't allowed to use contraception due to health issues so we used condoms n one ripped which led 2 the first pregnancy but the other two was while I was on different meds which allowed me to use contraception but lowered its effectiveness but I wasn't warned about that ...
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (14 November 2007):
OK, I am going to tell you something first then I will comment about him. THIS IS YOUR BODY! You only get one body. If you did not want to have a baby right now why didn't you get on birth control? You cant just keep putting your body through the trauma of an abortion because he tells you to. You lay on that table when you are terminating, you have the soar breast and morning sickness, you will carry this child not him. It does sound like you wanted to get pregnant because you did nothing to prevent it from happening again.You were wrong to do that if you knew he did not want a baby right now. It sucks that you got your hopes up and now he wants you to get rid of the baby.And as for him WHAT A JERK! I am screaming he has no idea how you feel. He had a responsibility to himself to use protection if he did not want you to get pregnant (again). Shame on both of you, what a mess this whole situation is. I will not advise you on whether or not you are making the right/wrong decision because at the end of the day you have to feed and clothe that child. It is no easy job being a single mother. If he decides two years from now that he does not want to be apart of this childs life he can walk away. So think this over long and hard because whatever decision you make you have to live with it.Just for the record if you decide to have an abortion, you should decide to get a new boyfriend. And any man that you deal with you demand that he respect your feelings and your body. Your health emotionally and physically and mentally is on the line here not his. Noone is going to look out for you better than you look out for yourself. I was a single mother I had it hard. I would not wish the hard time that I had on my worst enemy. Was it worth it?YES. The struggles that I had, my story personally made me into the WOMAN that I am today. So if you decide to have this baby prepare yourself for a lifetime of rewards and headaches. And never ever ever let someone else make decisions about your precious body! Good luck to you and keep me posted about what you decide I will not judge either way.
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A
female
reader, MonDoc  +, writes (14 November 2007):
If it really comes down to a choice of "one or the other", I say get rid of the boyfriend... the baby might 'destroy' your relationship, but in actuality, it won't... if your relationship falls apart because of the baby, it wasn't ever going to work out anyway.BUT if you do abort, the relationship might remain for a while but it will destroy you, and it will ultimately destroy whatever thread of a relationship you've got left because you'll resent him so deeply.In the end, bringing it down to basic maths, you'll end up with nothing if you abort. At least by keeping bub, you'll have that bit of wonderful left. I am pro-choice, but I personally think that this course of action will be detrimental for you in these particular circumstances. And, by the way, a lot of guys don't realise how wonderful kids are until they come along... and then they can't imagine life without them and end up being the biggest fans of the baby. Best of luck.
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