A
female
age
36-40,
*anthee
writes:I am not really sure what I am trying to achieve here, but I am in an emotional bind and have no idea where to turn to let my feelings out. So here goes and I hope a few sympathetic ears are out there to listen to my issues and maybe be able to provide some perspective. I guess in a one liner, my problem is I have exceedingly strong feelings for my university lecturer and do not know how to cope with the situation. I will call him Jim to make things easy. Let me stress… I am not a young 18 year old blazing with booze fresher… I joined university a bit later in life than regular young people, I am currently 25 and my lecturer is 30. I guess because there is no issue over age difference and I’m not a teenager it is making it really difficult for me to look at him as my teacher and more as a potential love interest. The feelings for my lecturer started a little under a year ago, I’m not saying I was captivated by him at first sight… it was a gradual build up over time and I kept telling myself that it is a crush that will pass as time goes by. Needless to reiterate that this was not the case and now I am here asking for advice. I do not like spending time with others from my class because they can be a tad immature and … well generally being university students who like to party. I am not saying they are bad people, but I have been through this wild phase already and don’t really want to go through it again. So I started finding myself befriending the tutors from the practical workshops. (These are final year students who essentially work as assistant demonstrators to first year students of the same course). Because I would spend time with them I would be exposed to the faculty on a more regular basis than other students of my course. So I guess this circumstance did not aid me much… He also runs an optional attendance class that initially I would show up because I felt like I needed to make up for lost time and study hard to come out of my degree with honours to make up for my age upon graduation date. Well… as you know “optional attendance” means to the rest of the student populace not to show up! A number of times it was just me that showed… because these were essentially one to one tutoring the close proximity didn’t help when my feelings started to flair! Things started to become really casual and not so formal between us and he told me I could be on first name basis with him. Given my age some of the other faculty as they got to know me told me to stop calling them professor this or mister that. Either way, the more I got taught by Jim the more feelings I started to develop for him. There is a communal area (there is no staff room) in the department I belong to so at times we would end up talking during breaks. He makes me smile and feel so happy when I get to talk to him. It is needless to say that we have very similar interests seeing as I am studying to get in the same field of research. Aside from that we also enjoyed talking about art and sports, different places around the world we have visited or want to visit and other topics that are too many to name. I’m right smack in the middle of these two age groups and I can’t seem to integrate into either one of them… I’m too old to go to raging parties every weekend with classmates and at the end of the day I am a student and these are my teachers and I do not want to cause any issues. Had I been a student elsewhere at another establishment, I could easily see myself socialising with him on a more personal level.I have tired distancing myself from him and hoping the feelings calm but being in the University on a daily basis means that I see him at least once a day aside from the lectures he teaches…. It seems a bit silly to comment, but there was a period of heavy deadlines where my health slipped a little from sleepless nights and lots of work. You could tell from looking at me that I was tired and worn out and I did not dress as nicely as I normally would, do make-up or straighten my hair… I looked like a true caveman. One day during this period I was taking a break in the communal area and he showed up sat down and we had a chat. He asked me if I was alright, was I coping ok and were there any problems with the work (one of the deadlines was for his class) that I might need help with… his concern and attentiveness made my heart swell! I said I was fine and doing okish… at that he told me that if I had problems that I could go visit his office to go through it if I wanted saying he runs by open door policy. Needless to say I went because I just could not resist… don’t get the wrong idea, I went, discussed the assignment, said a genuine thank you for his help and left…. Recently he has been very friendly with me and I cannot help but wonder am I reading into it too much because I care about him and want to interpret it as he is reaching out to me? I went to the salon last week and had some rather subtle highlights put in my hair and a trim, nothing drastic at all… he was the only person to notice the change, told me I looked very pretty and it suited me! … The man makes me melt!My feelings are so strong and I’m fighting the urge to flirt or be suggestive! I know it could have consequences, and being a teacher I care about him too much to do something that could ruin his reputation and potentially is job. My feelings don’t seem to be going away and I can’t help but think he might be showing some interest in me… I think I am actually falling in love with him!Is there any subtle appropriate way in which I can hint to him that I am interested and he could let me down easy so I can stop wondering and just get on with my life and studies?What advice can you give me? What are the social norms surrounding students and teachers bearing in mind I am classed as a mature entry student? What can I do to cope???Any words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated.
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a break, crush, flirt, immature, my teacher, period, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (7 April 2012):
 Glad I could be of help, I hope I didn't sound too mean!
You just concentrate on YOU - Your studies, your future and your success are the most important things in this situation.
Don't waste this chance! Get your head down and study! :)
Tiger x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): I've only read till the third paragraph but can tell you that this is very common with mature students returning to studies. It's possibly all the excitment that triggers it. But a relationship with someone teaching is playing with fire as everything gets mixed up.
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A
female
reader, Xanthee +, writes (6 April 2012):
Xanthee is verified as being by the original poster of the question Celtic_Tiger your words are so soothing to read. I have been conducting myself appropriately around him before posting on here but reading your response has helped me boost my strength and help me continue to be a good student.
I will continue with my studies, graduation is not that far away at this point and I will wait until then before I act on these feelings. The last thing I want to is cause him problems at the work place and I would never dream of making false allegations against him... it is a two way street really, I could get excluded from the university for acting inappropriately...
And thank you for the advise it is truly useful. I am happy with my friends who are final year students and will continue spending my time with them. Additionally I will look for other places to go have a break that is not the communal area and see if there is a mature students society or something and get to know others my age.
I think you gave me new light on my situation. I never realised just how lonely I feel being a student at my age and I might be latching because of it.
After thinking about it, regardless I think I have real feelings for Jim however I will act according to what is appropriate and wait till I have graduated and try my luck then. Who knows maybe by then I might find out it was really a passing crush and got it out my system. We shall see :)
My situation is a unique situation and when I search this sort of thing on-line it is all 15-16 year olds lusting over their secondary school teachers... I really appreciate you taking the time and talking to me bluntly but not hurtfully.
What I wanted was advise and not to be judged. I have been unable to share how I feel with any of my friends in the University for fear of something inappropriate going around by word of mouth. I do not have many friends outside of the University.
Thank you for your advise and should I have any other problems that are posted here I will always be look for your username first ahead of other replies :)
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (6 April 2012):
I also want to add, that ALL new tutors are advised about this type of situation - students flirting and coming on to you.
There are policies and rules put in place should anything like this happen. Any potential issues have to be reported to the head of dept so that the university's back is covered legally. There are many legal problems that can come from a spurned student, not only for the tutor, but also for the uni, rape claims, sexual harrassment etc have all happened from students who dont get the reaction they want. By informing the Dept of potential flashpoints, a record is created and any false allegations can be delt with in the correct manner.
This is why most tutors also have an 'open door policy'... ie the door stays open throughout meetings so that should any problems kick off, someone else can probably hear what is being said.
You have latched onto this man because you do not feel you fit with either of the groups you are with. Maybe try and get involved with some of the mature student groups within the student union? You might be suprised at how many people feel just like you do.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (6 April 2012):
OK, I work at a University, so I might be able to help.
Bottom line, student/teacher relationships are not allowed at University.
This is not an aged based issue. You could be older than him, the rules would still apply.
It has more to do with professional integrity, remaining impartial and being able to do a proper job.
There are so many issues, pillow talk, bias towards you, cash for sex, cheating, potential for lawsuits if the other students think you are getting preferential treatment because you are sleeping with the tutor.
If found out, he would probably face an internal investigation - for all the uni know he could be using his position to get sex for good grades. This would stay on his record and would probably mean he would never be employed within another university department. If he cant keep his hands to himself, he is not safe. Doesnt matter if its not true. Allegations and mud stick.
Worst case, he could be disciplined for abuse of position of trust and 'let go'.
You are a grown adult woman, not a teenager, so you should understand that he is OFF LIMITS. If you really do feel that strongly for him, then you will have to wait until you graduate, then tell him how you feel. until then, whilst he still has influence over your grades and assessments, im afraid he cannot be anything other than a tutor to you.
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