A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hello :-)Hope you can all help me , i'm really unsure of what to do. This guy is my best friend, we met 2 years ago and in the beginning had a sexual relationship which gradually turned into non sexual and friends. This was mainly due to him meeting girl which never worked out!! For some reason we have always been close but this girl was very manipulative and immature and messed him up emotionally. What he went through I went through with my ex , it was like deja vu , and the advice and support I gave him brought us even closer , to the point he now says "i love you" . It hurt me seeing him get into a relationship because i'm in love with him, but i stayed strong and remained his friend. He has a very busy career , travels all over - contact is sometimes hard to keep with him and he rings me randomly for catch ups and things. Xmas day he text me saying hope you've had a nice day , please don't ever think that i don't sit here and think how much i love you , because i do , loads. He calls me beautiful and pet names. He will talk to me for hours about his ex and how she hurt him , there are loads of girls who would love him he's stunning , i'm the closest one to him and adore him , however something he said struck me when i told him about how many other girls would appreciate him and why is he chasing after her? he basically said he looks for a girlfriend without baggage , to start a fresh life with , to experience all the new things that comes with it , like babies , house etc etc ... I'm wondering if we are not together because I have a son and he couldn't handle that baggage. When I talk about guys he will say very little and change the subject, yet i painfully sit for hours listening to him , I said to him you hate me talking about guys - he said because they always break your heart why would I want to? o.O ... Well I kinda thought that's what best friends do ... i was ill all last week and am moving to a new town for a fresh start , all my other best friends noticed apart from him , asked how i am , cared for me , supported me , yet he didn't .. i spoke my mind to him about how hurt i was .. he explained how busy he has been etc and ended the convo with ... "i cant lose you , you're my best friend ... and I love you .... Bottom line is i'm finding this really hard , I have done so much for him but lately feel like i'm getting little in return even as a friend , and when he is this way with me i fall in love all over again , what the hell is going on? :-(
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTEM - "so i didnt mean to neglect you or not notice your facebook,
and im sorry i forget to call back ,and i cant loose ya your my best mate xxx .......and i love you xxxx"
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou TEM , It makes total sence what you said , i can't take what he says at face value because of the mixed signals and it's happened for 2 years , I do think he loves me , he has no reason to use me , i have nothing and do not sleep with him as i did in the beginning of the relationship .. we shared a bed as friends when he was with this girl who was messing him around , i know he was tempted to take it further , and I did not ...1) because i have more respect for myself 2) because i'm not a relationship wrecker , and 3) why marry the cow when you can get the milk for free .. It was extremely hard but wether i love him or not , i was not about to go there ... I am in love with him , when i told him off last week it was because i felt at the end of my tether with feeling i'm giving more than i'm getting , i think he knows i'm there when he wants me , and it might sound silly but sometimes it feels like he's denying his feelings .. I'm not sure wether to step back untill he makes a move , i think it's pretty clear how i feel xx
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A
female
reader, TEM  +, writes (9 March 2011):
 I see this situation one of two ways. I'm not sure which is correct, so I might not be of much help to you. One involves taking what he says a face value and the other involves looking deeper into your relationship.
If you take what he has said to you at face value, then yes, he does not want to become romantically involved because you have, what he called "baggage." It is possible that he wants to start his married life with someone that does not have children. Sometimes people feel they cannot get serious with someone that has a child because they would be too possessive of that person, and would find the devotion one gives to their child difficult to handle.
However, he does not really treat you like a friend. He crosses that boundary when he says "I love you." You are getting mixed messages from him, so I understand your confusion. So, the other way I see it is that he would like to be romantically involved with you, but since you both dismissed that idea, he is reluctant to go there with you. In this case one of you needs to bring it up, and I don't think it is going to be him. He is such a good friend. You should be able to talk to him about this.
Asking him where you two stand will take a lot of nerve, but at least it will clarify things. It appears that you are in love with him. Ask him if he feels the same, and if so, does he see a future for the two of you. If he does not, ask him why he does not. One way or the other, you will have an answer.
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