A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 55, my partner is 64. We have been together 11 years. We got together immediately after I left my previous relationship, we were friends before I left my relationship, which went wrong for many reasons. She initiated the relationship, and at the time I remember feeling it was too soon, but went with it; I was afraid of being alone.Sex did not get off to a great start, the first time I had trouble getting an erection, a problem I had never suffered from previously. After the first time all was ok and we had frequent, though not particular great, sex.Over the years our intimacy has diminished to the point of non-existence. We have not had intimacy for over a year, and probably only a couple of times a year for the prior 5 to 6 years. Before this I always had to initiate, which led me to think it was a chore for her, and that I wasn’t giving her what she wanted. I had always asked her what she liked or what turned her on, but was always told me I was doing just fine.I sort of got into the mind-set that I wasn’t going to ask for sex anymore and see how long before she initiated it and she didn’t. We have never discussed this, and now it seems like it’s been so long, I don’t even know where to start.All other aspects of our life is comfortable, we get along well, don’t argue, do nice things together etc.I had reconciled that I could do without sex. I had never been over confident in that area and took the view that it was unimportant, that was until I met someone else. Four years ago I had a brief sexual encounter with a colleague who works for the same company but on the other side of the world. We had been working together all week and on the last day, we spent the night together. On our return home we spoke and IM’d for a couple of months, but came to realise that it wasn’t something we could pursue. Fast forward 3 and half years and we once again find ourselves in the same location; we kept our distance to start with, but ended up in bed towards the end of the week. We again returned home and the same pattern as before was established. Then my company asked me to spend a month at her office. During that month, I basically lived at her place, we sort of settled into a little bubble of romantic and sexual bliss; during the time, I think I emailed home twice and spoke to my partner once. This whole affair, which I am not proud of, re-awakened my sexual side. Far from being useless, I now felt the opposite. I returned home with the intention of ending my relationship. That was six months ago. The problem is I can’t seem to do it. I don’t want to cause my partner upset and pain. The idea of ending a relationship just based on lack of intimacy doesn’t seem right for some reason. We could try and talk it through and resolve it and we may end up being intimate again, but in my head I know it will only be because I have forced the issue, and if we return to what we had at our best, frankly it wasn’t great. I’m therefore stuck feeling dissatisfied and miserable, but without the courage to initiate the discussion, and need advice on how to get out of this cycle.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 November 2016):
 It sounds like you and your partner are sexually incompatible. The mistake you made was to carry it on for so long and falling in to a routine. Do you actually love your partner? Or is she someone that is just there so that you are not alone? As you have not once mentioned that you love her. It sounds to me like you are with her to have a comfortable life.
You need to stop living a lie. It is not fair on you or your partner. It is time to man up and be honest with her. Tell her you are not happy, also admit to her that you where unfaithful. Time to be honest with yourself and also maybe take some time out and be on your own for a while. You need to face your fear. I think you are hoping to leave your partner and get with the work colleague. But I would strongly advice being alone for a while to work out what you really want and to be independent.
A
female
reader, Isolatedgothicprune +, writes (13 November 2016):
I feel like intimacy is a very important part of a loving relationship. The idea that your relationship is lacking this very key component is the reason you feel so dissatisfied. I think it is the reason you have sought out another. I also think you are afraid of being on your own. While you say you do not want to hurt your partner, and while that is very honorable, it almost seems that underneath it all, you harbor a deep fear of being alone. My guess is that if this friend of yours from work would allow it, you'd go straight from your empty relationship into a new relationship with her. While it is nice to never have to spend one moment alone with your thoughts and with yourself, it's actually a very healthy idea. Painful, you bet! Since your life pattern has been to move from one relationship immediately to the next, my feeling is that you have lost great parts of yourself in the process. At this point, you aren't sure what you need. That tells me you are lost. The wise thing for you to do is it get into individual counseling and find the real you. Strongly consider going ahead and leaving the relationship you are comfortable in, and seek out a new life for yourself. You are a man with great passion and you long for not only someone to express your passion mutually with, but a partner to walk with you through life. There are lots of women out there who are looking for someone just like you, I can promise you that. My suggestion and hope is that you will go ahead and get yourself into some counseling, really figure out if you can live the rest of your days with this current partner, or if you need someone who will encourage your passions, and then act on your own personal truth. There is nothing more freeing in this life than to live authentically. Don't settle for mediocre. You get one life. Be the true you and embrace him. I think you will like him, and other people will, too! Best wishes, friend. Live in peace.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 November 2016):
 Talk to your partner, be honest about the affair and the cheating. BUT do not BLAME it on her and the lack of sex. YOU could have brought that up BEFORE cheating, you chose not to rock the boat and NOT for HER sake, but your own.
If you feel your current partner and yourself are so out of sync when it comes to sex, then maybe... the relationship is no longer viable. Especially when you seem to think you are doing your partner a FAVOR by staying with her even after you cheated on her multiple times.
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