A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Any psychologists out there who can help me to understand what is happening with my sister?I will try to make it as short as possible though this story is long. My sister who is in her mid 40s lost her husband of 17 years around 7 years ago. One day he just didn't wake up. It was a terrible tragedy for our whole family but of course she suffered the most. After that she became binge eater and use lots of sleeping pills, and finally reached almost 250 lb. For 4 years it was going on, and finally she started slowly recover. She lost almost all her extra weight, started dancing and travelling, mostly cruises. During these sad years she had no man in her life and no sex. So, she goes on one cruise and meets an Asian guy who is a musician there. They ended up in bed, and she fell in love. Not only she started going on every cruise he worked at, she married him one year later. It was a shock for me, my husband, and our parents. Not because she married again, but WHO!!Though the guy is harmless, but there is no doubt in our minds that he was fishing for an American wife. The guy has absolutely no money, when they married and he came here, he didn't have a single tooth in his mouth. She paid for everything: his teeth, airtickets, even his cell when he was still in Asia, because he didn't have any money to pay for phone calls. In addition, as we understood, he is still married to a mother of his 2 legal kids, because there is a theory that he had other but not legal children. I would understand if they connected on emotional level, but the guy doesn't even speak good English, also he is not a talker. He spends all his evenings talking in his language to all his numerous relatives, every single night. He managed to find couple of places here where he plays guitar twice a week, but all the money go to his family in his country. My sister has a good pension from her late husband, she pays all the bills, and he just works to support probably the whole village of relatives. We went out yesterday, and she was kind of silent and sad. And after few drinks, she said that now his son who is 17 is coming to live with them. I just looked at her, because I am afraid to say something to her because of her previous reactions. She said also that sex doesn't happen very often as his passion for music overrides sex. WHAT??!So, now he doesn't even want to have sex with her, blaming it on music? I don't know how to help her, and what to say anymore. I think she understands now in what mess she is in, but doesn't know what to do about it. I am just trying to understand how she could possibly make this choice at her age, being as smart as she is marrying someone so not compatible with her, and not seeing the situation the way it really is.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (4 April 2014):
 The choice she made was based on her being in a bad place. She was grieving the loss of her husband, then put on a lot of weight and no doubt felt unattractive. Then she lost the weight, got some confidence and this Romeo wooed her and boosted her confidence even more with his attention. I think that is why, as a smart women, she ended up with this guy. She was vulnerable, and he saw an opportunity. It happens, your sister isn't the first person to fall for this sort of thing.
I think she does see the situation as it is, or at least she is starting to realise. All you can do is be there for her and support her. If he is still married, it shouldn't be too hard for her to get the marriage annulled, if that's what she chooses to do. Just be there for her and try not to judge her poor choice/ decision.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): I think it's common behaviour to look at people through rose tinted spectacles when you have just had tragedy or a break-up. I've latched myself onto some of the most unattractive people ever, I ws kidding myself and it's scary looking back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): This is an advice site. People do not offer professional counseling. You will have to hire a licensed professional to seek professional opinion. However; many of us are well-educated and experienced, and offer non-professional opinion.
Your sister was on a cruise at the time she met this man.
If you've been on a cruise, it's heavenly and the atmosphere is totally euphoric. You're on vacation, in the middle of the ocean, and miles away from all your troubles.
She had a dramatic physical transformation; and had gotten over a lot of her pain. She simply fell in-love with being in-love. She was overcome with feel-good hormones and endorphins. She was swept off her feet, the cruises only went to her head.
It's up to her to decide what to do about her marriage. You'll never understand; and honestly, she's a full-grown woman and doesn't have to explain her actions to you or anyone else. Stop trying to understand. It will never make any sense. Without evaluating your sister, a psychologist can only guess. Any layman can see she rushed into it.
It would be better that you're more supportive than critical or judgmental. Seriously, implying that she's off her rocker is really nice for a sister to imply. You are far over the line, where it becomes none of your business. She's embarrassed enough. In all fairness, if I were where you are; I'd probably want to shake her like a dog with a chew-toy.
All you can do is stand by her. She needs you. Don't try to figure out non-sense. It's totally irrational and defies logic. She jumped in and she's up to her neck.
Now she will have to save her own ass.
You can have a sister to sister talk. Tell her how you feel for her, and that you've got her back. Let her know that you'll support her, if she decides to part ways with her terrible husband. Please leave out the racist tones. Explain how you find it difficult to watch her suffering. It kills you. Plant the seed. Let her think it's her ideal.
It will grow. She really wants out. She doesn't want to look foolish in front of you and everyone else.
Then leave her to her own mess. She got herself into it.
Let her get herself out of it. You'll have to bite the bullet. You can't tell a grown woman what to do, trust that she will reach her saturation point; and he will be out of there. All she needs is a rotten teenager to be the straw that brakes the camel's back. It's tough to watch, but you have to let things take their natural course.
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