A
female
age
36-40,
*angledinblue
writes:About 2 months ago my boyfriend of a year broke it off. He just didn't "feel it enough," aka not enough passion, and his gut said this relationship wasn't going to work out. I thought our relationship was great. Maybe he wasn't exactly what I would imagine as my *perfect* mate, but he treated me so well and I felt like I grew and learned with him.We have still been hanging out. And it has turned into a major push-pull situation. When I pull away he wants me- especially sexually- but claims it is more than sex. And there are times it felt "so right" to me that I gave in. However, when we have these lovely heartfelt and passionate nights I try to talk to him about it and he seems to agree that spending that time with me is wonderful, but that he can't forget his "gut feeling" from our relationship and that he still does not see it working out. Though he agrees that the time we are spending together is sort of "feeling it out" for the possibilty of a relationship again, or maybe just a friendship.My head says the obvious: stop seeing this guy. Especially because my last serious relationship dragged out into this uncommitted type of companionship for too long. I have been here and know that spending a lot of time and energy with someone who makes you feel "not good enough" in anyway is unhealthy. I feel another option is to just "let him take the reins." Let him arrange us seeing eachother, let him initiate conversations about our relationship, and only be with him sexually when I feel it is with love and tenderness. Most of all. I don't like how complicated this has become. So...can I move on, but see him upon occasion if HE arranges it? Do you think this is possible? Or will it hold me back from (doing what is right and) letting him go?Thanks for listening :)
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female
reader, tangledinblue +, writes (12 November 2010):
tangledinblue is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice! almasdp: you are totally right! he is using this as a bridge between this relationship and the next. But can't I do the same? Emotions are SO transient- a lot of the time I feel "over it." I am moving in 4 months and right now his company is nice. Is possible we could both "use" this time- or is it just THAT likely I will end up hurt?
Sageoldguy: I guess my real question is- can I move on and still see him occasionally? I know the right thing for me IS to let him go. But it also feels so right to spend time with him. Can I do both?
y'all are so kind! thank you.
A
female
reader, tangledinblue +, writes (12 November 2010):
tangledinblue is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Ampersand! I know you are right, but it is the harder thing to do. Overall, I mostly want to remember how to feel fulfilled as a single person. If I can face lonliness and my anxiety about losing him by myself without using him as a crutch- I will be proud of my emotional growth.
This is what I want to accomplish with or without spending time with him.
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