A
male
age
36-40,
*ussy7
writes:I posted here before 4 years ago.I imagine you probably receive hundreds of messages like this regularly. I thought long and hard about whether to actually send it. I actually wrote something sinilar to this at the beginning of the year just after Valentine’s Day but didn’t send it back then. I guess in the end I decided I have nothing to lose. After all, my situation couldn’t get any worse. Especially as Christmas and New Year approaches, yet another year has gone by without any change or improvement.I’ve been single for my entire life, literally. The only dates I’ve been on were from dating websites and there have been less than a handful of those. While a couple of went well and I met some great girls, I never ended up with a second date. I never even got an explanation. One minute it all seemed fine and the next I’ve been cut off without any reason why.I’ve met a few girls over the years that I’ve liked and really wanted to date and spend time with. No matter what I’ve done, I’ve never managed to get even one date. I went to university and made some terrific friends, and they have never had any trouble getting any attention from girls. I’ve watched everyone I care about fall in love around me; I can’t help but feel that that’s never going to happen for me. I basically feel like I’m this leftover that no girl wants.I’ve tried everything over the years, from counselling to speed dating to chat rooms to internet dating. No matter what I’ve tried and how proactive and positive I’ve tried to be, the outcome has always been the same – rejection. I’ve been messed around and strung along, only to find that what I thought was affection was nothing of the sort. I’m at my wits end with this now and would love things to change.I’m sweet, caring, kind, and considerate and would really make an amazing partner for someone. I’m a dentist, I have a great career and I’ve worked hard for it. But I’m even starting to lose passion for that as the rest of my life feels so empty. Sometimes, I think that maybe my fate is that I’m meant to be single and that I’m meant to achieve something elsewhere in life. Just for one though, it would even be nice to come home to someone instead of being in an empty flat every night.In the past year now, I don’t even hear from any of my friends. They all moved on and left me behind. At least before, I’d get an occasional text or call. Now the only time I hear their voices are when leaving voicemail, which I never get a reply to or the texts either. I’ve given up with them, but they gave up on me long ago. I’m not sure whether to even consider them friends anymore.As celebratory dates approach year upon year, it’s never a time for me to celebrate, but just another reminder that I’ve been single for that period, especially when I don’t even have anyone to celebrate with anymore. I hate the way that people complain about having to go out and get gifts or think of things to do. I’d do anything to be in their position. I’d trade in everything I have to be in their position.I guess some things never change.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): I'll have to agree with dear Mandy. When a guy is too eager to start something serious too soon I back off (the opposite have been true as well so maybe when the timing is right wanting to be together all the time might be good too).
There is no magic tricks to get a second date. To get a first date though, the best thing is just to get out there. You are an educated man so go where educated women go. Vernissage are a great place. There is often wine, which, not going to lie, helps with the stress, and the art piece and serve as some conversation opener. You need to talk to women. Most of us are shy things and won't make the first move.
As for getting a date afterwards, I'm all for letting the girl make the moves. A lot of girls won't agree but I actualy prefer when the guy let it to me.
I was in a relationship for 5 years and I have now been single for about a year and I must say I got plenty of first date but no second date (sometimes, I must admit, I declined second date). I prefer when, after I meet a guy, he gives my his number instead of asking for mine. I feel more in control. I'll often suggest to go out for a beer during the week for the first date. It is lowkey, it allows for conversation but is not as restricting as a dinner.
I'm sorry, spelling is bad, I'm french.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): You have some amazing advice below, I also agree that whilst a relationship is something you long for, you're not appreciating the time you get to be single. There are so many pro's to being single: no one to answer to, no compromises to make, you can go out whenever you like, you can do whatever you like, you don't have to take anyone else into consideration. You're completely free (& I know you're probably thinking'but I'd give it all up for someone special') but trust me, when you meet someone you'll regret not taking this opportunity you have now to Enjoy being single! Also, I think because you haven't had a relationship before you're idealising it- a lot- relationships aren't all they're made up to be. A lot of people in relationships are extremely unhappy, & even the ones who are happy argue & it can become dull. The relationship you're imagining in your head isn't what it's going to be like. Also, are you picky when it comes to girls? Look around, there's probably loads of girls that are interested in you that you haven't even noticed. Every woman that crosses your path should get a chance with you, not because you're really eager for a girlfriend, but because people can surprise you, and someone you may have overlooked initially can turn out to be perfect for you.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (30 October 2012):
 Hi
You've had some good advice so far. The thing that shouts out from your question is it seems to be your life goal to meet a girl and settle down.You do sound great too.Do have any female friends or do you just go for girlfriend status?
There are probably some women that would welcome that,they post on here asking why they can't meet a decent man or get a date,same as you have.SO there are single women looking.Personally I prefer strength of character to sweet in a man.A sense of humour and laid back attitude.
Your career is sorted, which is a plus. But how do you spend your leisure time ? Do you do sport or go watch it?
Do you go on holiday, lots of singles do. Do you dive or sail or play golf or surf,maybe a tailored holiday would be good where you can learn. Whats the wardrobe looking like? You could go shopping and ask advice you know, off one of the girls in the store.
Can you laugh at yourself? Always a good trait.My nephew is single and only had 1 girlfriend ever, he's a professional too, gets one of the females in the family to shop with him.He loves the single life and tho he would like to meet THE one sometime he doesn't make it his focus.If it happens it happens is a good attitude to have.
Make a wish list and start ticking goals off, you'll be so busy you will forget about women and one or two or three will be there wondering why you haven't noticed her flirting.......
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (30 October 2012):
 Hi You have some GREAT things going for you. But there is something else that is not resonating with the girls.So there are some adjustments to make.My guy and I know a lovely 45 year old very well employed, financially stable, in fact in a very good financial position, very presentable guy who wants to get married and wants to have children but it's not happening. He does not understand that the fact that he starts talking about what each ex did to him in the past is a turn-off. Now that may not be your problem, but it is ONE example. So I think your image needs some tweaking. not sure where. So I am going to explore every possibility I can think of, namely:First are you a RELAXED PERSON? = 10/10 Or are you uptight and anxious = 0/10Are your clothes contemporary and have the right level of relaxed and casual when required? = 10/10Or are your clothes stuffy, tired and in needs of a makeover if not over-haul - are you projecting someone much older than you are? = 0/10Just as teeth need to be cleaned out of plague etc regularly so does your wardrobe and your shoes.Even your underwear can be too stuffy.Do your clothes need a good airing? Sometimes old old clothes never worn and sitting in a wardrobe start to make you smell older than you are as the stuffy unused clothing can taint your newer clothing - be ruthless in cleaning out clutter.Do you have some weird hobbies or interests?If you like reading about the mating habits of the pygmy hippopotamus or are fascinated with Train Spotting it is not going to make for scintillating converation. = 0/10Do you ask her OPEN QUESTIONS? = 10/10Or closed questions = 0/10Get Her talking about her. Not you telling her about you.It's not the toothbrush that does the work. It HOW YOU USE the tooth brush. So it is not WHO and WHAT you are. It is about how you present yourself and how you interest her in you = as YOU are the PRODUCT you are trying to Market and YOU are the product you want her to buy. Hard to envisage that you are a product and trying to appeal to the market with that product. But that's the truth.So what is she looking for?She is looking for someone who would be easy to live withWho would make a good fatherWho is fun to be withwho enjoys lifeWho is secure about who he isWho likes peoplewho is not overly meanwho is not creepy.who never ASSUMESand who does not do all the talking.You tick all the boxes as far as your profession so that is a 10/10 for that one. How fit are you? - get thee to the gymAre you adventurous with food and cooking - get thee to a cooking class - also lots of women at those tooCan you enjoy life and have a laugh - go out to see a few more comedies and lighten upare you judgemental ever = stop thatAre you fixated on some very stron views = try to get some balance into your life.Are you scared to look like a fool = shame on you. = get thee to a Zumba class and lighten up.is your home lived in or total perfection with not a single things out of place? = Live a little - a book not yet back in the book case is not a crime.Life is too short to focus on germs and want the home too spotless even for Architectural Digest.Allow your home to be welcoming and warm and relaxed. Your home says a lot about who you are and what is important to youDoes your own hair cut need a makeover. Talk to an upmarket hairdresser for men and get yourself made-over.Do you have bad breath? Surely not for a dentist. But it needs to be on the list.Do you shower EVERY DAY and change your underwear every day (sorry has to be asked)Do you talk about teeth too much or make others feel uncomfortable while you size up how much work their teeth need doing?= STOP that NOWBook into to some sessions with a Counsellor to determine if you have any deeply hidden and held beliefs about who you are that is undermining you. It is amazing what a good counsellor can discover. they are professionals just as are dentists.Are you a little sarcastic? or occasionally sexist? Watch those negatives. They are HUGE turn offs for othersWhat are most enjoyable things you get to do every month? You should have at least 5 really enjoyable activities that you can do every month. Things that reach out to people, not insular things.eg: visit the Gymeg: volunteer locally to help a group in your communityeg: attend a cooking class eg : Join a Zumba classeg: attend a yoga classeg: Join a Mixed Service group like Rotary - networkingeg: Attend a group to learn public speakingeg; book a holiday to somewhere a little different - eg Peru or Nepal.These are all things to make your life more lively and you reaching out to people and making new friends and improving your confidence in you.Confidence will get the girl.Being a nice relaxed and interesting guy will get you the girlHaving EMPATHY for others will get you the girlHere is your tutorial below:How positive are you? Being Positive can really help:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/tunnel-vision-positive-thinking---used-to.html……………………………….a substantial article for men - representing a Master-class for men in how to become more appealing. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-be-attractive-a-beginners-guide-for.html Author: Odds…………………….What is love, really? The article is thought provoking and very interesting. This article is good in it’s own right. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/are-we-distorting-love.html Author is: kirra07 But there is more. The article has a great response by the very very wise Jmtmj - and his response has a lot of insight and it almost and article in it’s own right.………………………….http://www.dearcupid.org/question/20-questions-to-ask-someone-on-a-date.html http://www.dearcupid.org/question/real-love.htmlAuthor: AskEve ………….http://www.dearcupid.org/question/virginity-.html http://www.dearcupid.org/question/nice-guys-.html Author followtheblackrabbit………………….http://www.dearcupid.org/question/lets-talk-about-the-problem-with-nice-guys.html Author: QuirkLady…………………And I hope you do not suffer from retroactive jealousy as it is a terrible affliction http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.htmlGood luck – by the time your makeover is complete you should have the girls lining up to date you.
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A
male
reader, TommyTwice  +, writes (30 October 2012):
Me heart goes out to you pal you really sound like your hurting but maybe your trying to hard... Sit back relax dont put to much influence on one part of your lifeAll i can suggest is that you get yourself on a few social network sites and just be yourself dont be looking to set up the rest off your life with the first girl ya get talking to... Live in the moment... Life cant be controled. Hope this helps
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (30 October 2012):
 HI
That's awful you feel that way, but I get the impression that maybe your spending so much of your time worried about being single , that you have probably grinded your friends ears too much, which maybe why they are backing off, because you have forgotten to be just yourself, fun, enjoying life. When women see's a man who is too eager to start a relationship they will back right off, and when friends here it all the time how depressing it is on festive occassions for you they don't want their mood to be doom and gloom so stay away. I know this sounds heartless but I am being honest with you. If you want to find that special lady you HAVE to stop making that your ONLY goal in life. Be happy that your alive and have a great job which many would love to have, and start doing things for YOU, i'e take up a class of some sorts, weather in sports or extra learning, this will start to give you more confidence and also put you in the right place to meet someone nice!
Good luck
Mandy x
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