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female
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anonymous
writes: My ex and i were together for a few years; I was very young when i met him..learned from my mistakes and really think things can be different this time. We have been talking on and off for about a year. He told me this is hard for him and he buried alot of those feelings.my ex told me in june he has a girl visiting for a few months and she will be going home once the visa is up. He said they met over a year ago when she was on vacation and she came her to see him. It was only supposed to be for a few weeks but it turns out it will be a for a few months. I am assuming when she crossed over they gave her a 90 day visa b/c they decide then how long can you stay--you can't choose it yourself from what i know. We spoke about this June 11th or so and he said 2 and a half months she will be gone so its not a permanent thing. He is content with the situation right now and its convenient. I am assuming he must have some feelings for her as well unless its just an opportunity for se* for a few months.Has it been 2.5 months yet since then? i want to call him and see what can happen after this but i was hoping she was gone by now. My birthday passed a week ago and he called at night and left me a voicemail. I decided to call back while away at the time and told him where I was. We spoke for about 15 minutes or so and he said he just came back from the so and so area. I just said ok because I didn't want to have to ask was it with her or what.He said it was for a family thing and him and his mother went. During the conversation I did say maybe we can talk soon and catch up and he said ok sort of in a laughing/happy tone..maybe suprised by how ok i sounded and at ease. Because when he originally told me this i was upset and even cried on the phone with him. I asked if he had time for his side jobs and he said with everything going on not really but he is supposed to have one next week..i don't know what that meant--with her being there, leaving, the short trip he had to go on etc? He asked was i with family or friends and asked if i was getting crazy and i said no you know me.maybe she left already? I have wanted to call him all week. I feel pretty sad right now wanting to talk to him and ask if we can start talking more like we were and get together. I think once we actually spend time together we will see what could happen.A few people say I should wait another few days to a week before calling so i don't look too eager and i am not calling him so soon after he called me. They also say its important to not wait too long either. I am just worried about a number of things--if i call and he has time to talk but she happens to still be in the area--and i start asking him these questions...i will feel pretty bad when he says she is still here right now and can't really think about this yet. A friend of mine thinks she is gone if he called me at night for my birthday and went on this trip..unless she was visitng extended family in another state while he was gone and then flying back to him after and then flying home.Another friend is saying to call the first week or so in september and in that way i will have increased my chances she is gone and he might be more open to talking.Apart of me was debating about texting him..simply asking hey--can i call you sometime next week or so? and see what his response is. He will know by my text i am making sure it is ok to call and asking if she is still here. If he says he will try to answer then i will assume she is still here and maybe wait another week to phone him. A good friend of mine said she wouldn't text--it looks kind of weak to have to ask and maybe even slightly desperate and if i want to talk, call and if he doesn't answer just leave a voicemail.For some reason; it is really hard to wait..a week feels like a month. I guess i want to know if she is still there or if he has any more bad news for me like they are engaged.What does everyone think? Any thoughts besides forgetting him as i feel most people are quick to say regarding ex's? I know i want to try asking one last time and even tell him maybe it was a good thing we spoke this year and took our time and if we are still talking and on good terms after everything--then maybe it isn't a bad idea for us to spend some time together.
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female
reader, spiderweb  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 You say you have learned by your mistakes, but don't say what mistakes you made specifically. If you were too possessive, desperate and clingy during your past relationship with him, then your contacting him now will be interpreted as being clingy and desperate now, and will put him off you forever. Whether there is another girl on the scene or not, if he isn't interested in you, he won't call you. If he wants to hook up with you, he will. He may still have feelings for you but unless he makes the next move, you can probably assume that it is over and though he may still have some fond memories of your time together, he doesn not want to renew a relationshipo with you. Forget trying to be friends with him, hoping that will give you an "in". It's up to him to make the next move and I don't think you should call him at all. The ball is now firmly in his court.
A
female
reader, LLindy87  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 I'm curious, why are you so okay with being his consolation prize? Its pretty clear that this other girl is more important to him if he doesn't see you while she's here.
Also, don't assume that they are always together even if she is still here. Call him if you want to, don't even think about whether the girl is there or not. How do you know they are more then friends? Also, be weary that he might have been using her as an excuse not to see you.
I'm very sorry this is so negative, but it'd be a sad thing if he were playing you.
On the flip side, if you're okay with this situation and still wanna give him a chance, then call him, don't over analyze the phone call, its just a phone call. Say something along the lines of "hey, just wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime, call me back". If he doesn't call you then you will know where you stand in his life. Because think about it, if someone you really were interested in called you, you would call them back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): I think you should let him call you. Not sure I understand your eagerness to rekindle this relationship. I mean I understand that some people have a special place in our hearts forever, but letting go and moving on doesn't mean it will be forgotten or it couldn't be rekindled when the time IS right. If it is meant to be, it will work itself out without you having to put so much thought and effort into it. I mean if you find yourself begging or trying to convince someone to no avail to try to talk to you or see you, sorry to be so blunt, but yeah that is kinda pathetic. Especially if he has told you he is with somebody else.
He is currently unavailable. That should be a big enough indicator to you that, at least right now, he has moved on. I agree with your friend that you are selling yourself short if you call him or text him.
I get the impression you have alot of guilt involved in your feelings for him. Perhaps you felt that somehow you were at fault for the break up and that is what is driving you to pursue him at all costs and make amends, even if it is costing you your dignity. You need to let go of that guilt and use it more constructively. Also remember that some of that guilt belongs to him, its not all on you. It wasn't all your fault. You need to know this. It probably just wasn't meant to be for now. You need to use that pain and that loss as a tool to learn from, as a drive to focus on other endeavours but not to sell yourself so short.
Look I lost the love of my life four years ago. We had a clean break, cold turkey. I didn't stop loving him for a second. And perhaps I had alot of fault in that breakup too. But I am a little more stubborn than you so I give myself more credit. It's been four years and we have both dated other people, clearly. I knew our time was up. As much as I cried and hit walls and just balled my eyes out cause I missed him, I knew that it would hurt more if I kept in touch with him. I knew he was moving on, that he would be dating other chicks and he would treat me exactly the way your ex is treating you. Give me breadcrumbs. I don't want breadcrumbs.
If your ex loved you, there is no woman, no situation, no ocean, no amount of calls and texts that would make him stay away from you. If he loved you, he would be with you right now. And somehow you think you can convince him otherwise by talking to him or seeing him? Is it something you could just say in a letter? Cause if it is you should just write him a letter, tell him how you feel, that you are sorry, that you love him, and that's that. Let him come around.
If you really want to blow his mind, let him go, peace him out. And in the meantime work on yourself, get beautiful, workout, get involved, make friends, learn to be an even better person. Do your thing and work on yourself without any expectation of getting back with him. You don't need him in your life. And as you can see he doesn't need you either. Do you want to keep dwelling on a guy who is with another chick, selling yourself short, walking over your dignity for someone who doesn't need you? And with the exception of an occasional breadcrumb call and breadcrumb text, apparently doesn't even want you or make any effort to see you?
It just sounds like you are holding on to something that just isn't worth it.
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