A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and will be together for 1 year at the end of nov. We were having trust issues I kept feeling something was wrong and come to find out I was right he was cheating on me for about a month until he got caught.I said I forgive him and still love him and want it to work its been 3 months now and I still don't trust him.he sswears up and down it was a mistake and will never happen again.I feel so hurt still I feel like I'm not good enough for him that it was my fault some how. On top of it he watches porn a lot and gets himself off and I even feel threatned by that..plz help me understand why I can't let it go or maybe you can tell me some steaps on how to start letting go....
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): To sum all of this up. You have to look at the 2 main issues is trust. I can't have a relationship with out trust and he may be sorry but he will do it again , because you always let him. So suck it up and live. 1/2 ass life always wondering what is going on and if he is full of crap. Or go out be strong and find a man that will make you feel amazing and you don't have trust issues. Trust me there are men out there, your happiness should not be at the expense of yours or if there is another woman involved then hers. So (I am getting blunt here) grab a spine, friends, booze and a gym membership and start looking for love the right kind not a toxic relationship. Bottom line you know you deserve better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Hi. A year isnt a long time to be with someone. It should be the honeymoon period where everything is rosy. But it sounds as if hes already caused quite a lot of serious damage. And his continued use of porn is starting to errode your self confidence. As for steps for letting go. Unless you have a mortgage or children together, letting go is quite straight forward. If you arent sure how you will feel afterwards, try telling him you need a break for a few weeks and see how you feel after that.
At the end of the day, you cant make a silk purse from a pigs ear. So if you know in your heart of hearts you are just settling with this guy because it beats being alone, which is what it sounds as if hes doing, then give him up. Because look hard enough and you WILL find someone wonderful who will treat you properly and make you happy. Its what we all seek and deserve. So dont sell yourself short by staying with Mr Right Now. Seek Mr Right. Hes out there looking for you x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): As a 22 year old male, I've had a similar history with my own GF of nearly 3 years, though I was the one doing what your BF is now.
You need to understand why he cheated on you.. If it was him being a jackass or if there was something he wasn't getting in your relationship?
Beyond that there are no "steps" really.. He broke the trust you had and now its up to HIM to earn it back. Whatever you feel he needs to do, tell him. Just don't be so harsh or extreme that he will resent you for it. Be honest with your needs, but don't be unreasonable to his needs as a person either.
For example.. If he goes out with the guys.. Tell him that he's expected to keep his phone on his PERSON and is to answer it when you call him. If his phone is dead or dies. He's To call you from a a friends phone or somewhere you CAN reach him readily (preferably a friend that you know). Also, telling you where he's going, who's going to be there, and when he's expecting to be home shouldn't be a problem either. Just as long as he understands that if any of that changes he's to call you & let you know.
As for his porn viewing or masturbation habits.. Masturbation is normal and healthy for men. It is only a problem if he would rather masturbate than be intimate with you.. Or that his solo time interferes with your sex life with him. If you feel threatened by him taking care of his needs on the side, don't be so jealous or insecure..
On the other hand.. If your fine with that and it's the porn your uncomfortable with.. Then tell him that. Stand up for yourself. Porn is not necessary to masturbate. He is perfectly capable of the act without "help" from the internet or whatever form of porn he is viewing. Pornography isn't something to be taken lightly.. Your OK with it or your not.. and if you feel uncomfortable with it.. Then you need to express that. Not let it eat at you and ruin your relationship or self esteem if it bothers you on that level.
That is pretty much what I did.. I explained to my GF that what I did wasn't OK no matter what, BUT this is why I did it.. I also gave up allot of things to earn her trust back and It's taken a long time.. But it's possible. But she was worth it to me.
We've also had our struggle with porn.. She's said she feels it's disrespectful to her as a woman, our relationship, and why do I need porn when I have basically unlimited access to her?. So after lying to her about it several times, saying I stopped when I really hadn't.. and after realizing I was mildly addicted to it, I gave it up.
Because I loved her, and She was more important to me than all that I gave up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Well I have afew words from a guys point of veiw. First off relationships are based off trust, without the base the whole tower comes down. Second I amire the fact you can forgive him for his mistake. A question you may want to ask yourself is if the role were switched, would he forgive you. Third you might want to rethink the whole porn thing. Most guys do those things out of habit, we become so used to the alone time its alittle hard to stop. Hope I helped even just alittle.
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female
reader, itsworthit93 +, writes (16 November 2010):
 I completely understand how you're feeling, I went through something similar with my boyfriend. It's really hard to get over something like that and even though you love him you have to make sure its worth staying with him. For me, I tried talking to him explaining how i felt about his porn habbits and other stuff like that and its been a struggle but he has really improved. If your man loves you like he claims to he WILL be willing to change for you. Because you are supposed to be worth changing for, if thats not the case then you need to let him go.if you choose to let him go the best thing for you to start with is realizing everything he's done to break your trust, maybe even make a list. realize that you two arent meant for each other and you've had good times and bad but now its time to move on. tell him exactly why you're leaving him. tell him exactly what he did to break your trust and then tell him that you dont see it working out in the future, say goodbye to him and DONT BACK DOWN! just find a phrase that you're going to keep repeating to him no matter what he says. (exmp. "its better this way.") try to stay as calm as you can and dont raise your voice. give him back his stuff as quickly as possible and from there you'll begin to heal.i know its hard sweetie, love hurts. if he's worth the pain and he feels the same then try to work it out. but if he isnt then letting him go quickly and completely will be your best answer. There are so many guys out there and if its not him, you'll find the one that fits you almost perfectly. and make sure that at the beginning of your new relationship you explain how you feel about things like porn, strip clubs, flirting, cheating and if they dont like it, move on to the next one. best of luck. xx leasi
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female
reader, anonymousgurl +, writes (16 November 2010):
Trust is an essential ingredient, not important, essential. I don't know your boyfriend, but just based on what you wrote, I don't trust him. He thinks with his genital area. I think the best thing to do is to let go. Tell him that you no longer wish you see him, that something broke and cannot be mended. Wasting time with him is preventing you from finding someone who can truly be your partner for life. I am sure he's around somewhere. By the way, by all means forgive him. But forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean a restoration of friendship. If you left your pet at the care of a neighbor, and the neighbor didn't feed the pet at all while you were gone, you can forgive them, but are you going to ask them to petsit ever again? Think about it.
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