A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been trying to change who I am for the past two years, and it has not worked.If I'm honest, I've never been "cool", I've always been slightly kooky and individual. That all changed when I got jealous of my peers in relationships and felt like a loner, I began to hate who I was and become someone "cool" because I couldn't get any requited interest from women I found attractive. I had convinced myself that by being myself I would end up lonely, desperate and with the first girl that said yes.Should I have compromised on who I am based on a few rejections?Do you need to be "cool" to stand any chance with women you find attractive?
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male
reader, Odds  +, writes (29 May 2011):
 It depends on how you approach it. If you're just acting cool, you'll be too busy faking it to enjoy the benefits, and it'll be too easy to slip up.However, people who tell you to "be yourself" are forgetting that the self is not some unchanging thing beyond our control. You can choose to improve, to evolve, and to change. You can control the way you change.There's nothing wrong with wanting to change to have more success with women, so long as you're doing it out of a desire for success and happiness, and not out of hate for yourself or spite for the ones who turned you down. If you hate yourself, no amount of acting cool will make you happy or good with chicks. The coolest people are the leaders, not the followers. So emulating the cool people just makes you a follower, and won't help you. It also helps to undersand the nature of what you're seeking. Don't just try to get the trappings of cool people - listening to the right kinds of music, wearing the right clothes, or telling the right jokes. What you need to look for is the ability to be comfortable and confident in any social situation. To be fun to be around, but not concerned if someone doesn't like you. To not be afraid to make someone mad, but not to seek out confrontation either. To be willing to make a move on girls, then shrug it off if it doesn't work. Most of these things don't come naturally to most guys, and that' fine, you can grow into it, make it a genuine part of yourself.You may have to tone down some of the kooky things you do. That's fine. You don't have to get rid of them; just keep them as hidden depths you can show to people you know and trust.But again, the goal here is personal happiness and satisfaction. Being cooler is the means to that end, not the goal itself. Stop every now and then to assess the effects of trying to change yourself on that goal, and be ready to change directions if it's counterproductive. Best of luck.
A
female
reader, lysha +, writes (29 May 2011):
 nononononoi do not like this one bit:(you sound like my old self, i got annoyed and jealous by the amount of popular 'cool' people that i was hanging around with , you get caught out eventually and you get fed up with being what everyone else wants you to be, because you know its not you deep down!you dont have to be cool to stand a chance with women so please dont think that, there is someone out their for the real you, the worse thing ever is for a girl to fall in love with you then you decide you've had enough of being someone else and your inner self comes out because then you end up heart broken!you just have to wait, being yourself is COOL, because believe me look at some people who are considered 'cool'half of them are probably just like you who are hiding their real selves, there are also kooky and individual girls out their, you jus got to find the right crowd, but keep in touch with the old, just come out and show the world the real you, otherwise you will regret it, i showed myself just in time!hope this helped :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): I think you should never compromise who you are for anyone!! stay true to yourself always regardless of what others think because the right woman will respect you more for that!! trust me being cool is defined differently to everyone..to me being cool is being who you are!! and whoever does not like that or respond to that then you seriously do not need them in your life. I just got dumped by a guy i loved dearly and all I ever did was love him, be there for him and help him and he just used me but I learned that no matter how hurt I am why change?? because if he really loved me he'd still be here.. I think whats wrong with a lot of people is that peer pressure, rejection and other things make us believe we have to change to be accepted instead of looking at the truth that if a person accepted one another for who they are, there would be no problems..Im 33 and i would tell you no lies..stay honest, stay real and stay you!!!! you will find the one for you because god always has the one for us, its just not told to us when they'll arrive!!!
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