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male
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Dazzerg
writes:All but one of my relationships have been long distance affairs and 'LDR'S' are increasingly common, with the advent of the Internet age especially. It is important to draw a distinction between two different and distinct types of 'LDR':1.Those that are the continuation of an existing relationships2.New relationships formed over a distance via the Internet. Obviously there are subtle differences in survival strategies depending on which of the two categories your relationship falls into. For example, if you are continuing an existing relationship then there is some stress to be laid on maintaining an already established routine as much as is possible where as a new relationship presents the challenge of establishing new ones with geography ranged against you. EstablishmentEstablishing new relationships over a distance is particularly hard; new relationships without the distance can be challenging enough but add in being miles apart then the molehill starts to take on mountain sized proportions. All the things that you would normally take for granted play out in different ways so instead of getting to know your new partner over popcorn and ice cream at the local cinema you spend your time with them on IM, txt or telephone. One of the first hazards I find is the danger of 'overkill' at this stage. As a naturally 'clingy' person I am inclined to wanting constant contact as it is but that fault is, I find, exacerbated by distance. In a normal relationship with a hometown girl or boy you would probably only see them a handful of times a week. So, starting from the premise that rather than throwing the rulebook out of the window you merely need to adapt it one of the first pieces of advice is to rememeber that you do not need to be in constant contact to be together. In a related matter, it is much easier for insecurities to flourish in LDR's; those gaps where physical contact and body language should be building an unspoken bond of trust are filled with nagging doubts and fear. It is thus ten times more important to go out of your way to build trust in an LDR. Mostly this is done through effective communication;-Tell your partner about your day and not just what happened (which may well in and of itself be dull) but how you felt about it; thus padding out a simple retelling of facts and brining it to life as a shared experience. -Be open and honest about where you are going and what you are doing and who with; not only will your partner get to know more about you and the people that are dear to you but you are implicitly showing them you can be trusted and that you have nothing to hide. -Remember that the stress is much more on the words you use because in any conversation there will be no other pointers to how you are feeling (apart from maybe intonation of voice). Don't expect your partner to read your mind from what you are writing on IM, certain habits can be picked up but it is on nowhere near the same level as the amount of pointers that are picked up from body language. In general it is a good rule of thumb to be clear and explicit to the point of bluntness. If your partner is insecure then they are bound to be a little nervous of giving themselves emotionally to somebody they may well never have physically met. Be careful to fill in and explain any 'gaps in your c.v' as it were; it is very easy to conceal or fabricate who you are and what you are feeling or doing via the internet especially. VarietyVariety is the spice of life and of any relationship and it is important to remember that with long distance affairs too; this is easy in the first few months when you are still getting to know each other but after that things can become routine. Experiment with going on fantasy dates and try and make the experience as authentic as possible; try having nights where you watch tv or the same DVD 'together' so you have a talking point. You are both still living seperate lives to some degree this fosters a sense of togetherness; it may all effectivly in your head but it can seem real. Of course, this can also be a technique for when you are ready to become sexually intimate. A school of thought exists that all LDR's should be open until the two have physically met but I believe that it is possible to maintain a mongamous LDR. When it comes to sex all it means is that you have to be more attentive to your lovers likes and dislikes and prehaps be more expressive of appreciation than you would normally be; although be careful to establish bonds of trust and verify your partners identity before reaching this kind of level of intimacy. If you are maintaining an exisitng relationship then these pointers lose some of their value. However, you still need to keep your relationship hot and spicy. You also need to somewhat forget what I have previously said and remember the importance of regular and routine contact. Try and carve out a special time that you both set aside for your relationship and this create some sense of continuity and minimise the damage from the necessary break that has occurred due to the distance. PerspectiveHowever, you do have to keep a sense of perspective and throughout everything allow your partner the space they would normally be afforded if they lived two streets down from you; don't forget they need space and understanding, prehaps, if anything, a smidge more than they would need normally. In general the key to mainitaing a successful LDR can be summed up in three words; Communcation, Communication and Communication. In that regard they are very similar to any other relationship although arguably the amount and clarity has to be higher and therefore an LDR is defiantly harder work. Hard work and effort will eventually reap their rewards and of course there will come a time when you will eventually meet but that is a slightly different story......
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male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (24 March 2008):
Dazzerg is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hiya Askoldersister :),
Yes I have...I think the thing about LDR's is you have to keep your feet on the ground and that is something previously I havent been very good at....you have to remember that they involve a degree of projection of your own preceptions and hopes onto the other person and i think thats why you can click on the phone but not in person, having said that I find it easier to connect that way at first ....as regards bridging the gap in person I have felt really nervous at first but i am one of those people who is quite talkative I am afraid...more commen the problem I have found to be honest is running out of things to talk about when you are apart but again I am one of those people that talks and talks and talks lol...
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (16 March 2008):
 Excellent article, Dazzerg! This review of LDRs is interesting to me because I had a long distance courtship with the man who is now my husband.
We didn't meet over the internet, but through mutual friends, and saw each other often enough before starting to date that we became friends first, then the romantic relationship developed.
In this kind of LDR, my concern was that every time we met in person, we were only presenting our 'best' sides. We didn't have to spend any time dealing with the mundane realities of life; cleaning the house, doing the laundry, bill paying, the kind of boring details that are essential parts of everyday life.
The benefit of the LDR was that we really had to learn to listen to one another, and we learned so much about each other without being distracted by those mundane details...
Thanks again for a really interesting article.
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