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female
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anonymous
writes: I am having problems with my boyfriend, he is driving me round the twist, he has to be right about everything and is so lazy. He constantly sits on his bum all day long and never does anything to help me around the house.I am starting to resent him and do not know if i love him anymore, i cant bear to have him touch me and often sit and think please just leave.Please help me I dont know what to do Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2006): Okay, what I hear is no respect for each other. You have none for him because you say he is lazy and doesn't come from a good background. Well, your mate is only going to do what is allowed. The fact that you have not told him how you felt adds to your frustration. And being where he came from he may not like himself. I'm sure he knows his faults but, not aware because there are never any consequences. Sometimes men are big babies and they need us to show them they can do for themselves. Please, don't hold these feelings inside as things will never get better. Surely, you complimented each other at one point and time. Try, telling him what you would like him to do for you to help around the house. Don't tell him what he's not doing right. He will only take it as an attack on his ego and tune you out and you need positive energy right now. When you feel you are getting upset remember why you picked each other and try to take a breather. Then, let out your feelings. Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2006): First off, you need to get some medical help for your depression. It is hard to be strong in the present state of mind you are in. Most people will make poor decisions when in a mental funk.
Also, your partner may need this as well as most partners of someone who suffers depression will need the same help.
I think this would be a first step and a major step for both of you.
I imagine that you didn't always feel this way about your situation. At some point you were open and yourself and that is why you two fell in love, yes?
I am concerned about you feeling scared to tell him how you feel and what you think; why fear?
He better not be abusive be it mentally, physically, or sexually. If you answer yes to one of these, leave.
Do you believe that your relationship and love can be saved?
If yes, then seek out counselling. There are always free programs in many cities.
If you are both suffering with depression, either one of you are incapable of being help to the other.
I hope you work things out and let me know if you get some help for the depression.
*hugs*
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEverything he does gets on my nerves.
He comes from a back ground where his mum and dad live in a derolict decrepid falling down house.
I'm so unhappy and down all the time, i dont feel like I can talk to him or be myself, I am scared to talk to him and tell him how i feel
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): There seems to be more going on then what you have been wiling to share with us.
Why does it bother you if he feels the "need to be right". More often than not this sort of behaviour stems from low self esteem and is a way of having some form of control on his life. Being that he lazes around would support this statement of low self esteem.
Being with someone who doesn't respect himself or love himself will only start to hurt you and make you doubt your own worth and value. You have lost trust in him thus the no desire for intamacy. You have little to no respect for him as well.
However, telling us how you feel does not help your relationship. How can you go about talking to him and being open with him when you have little to no trust in him?
Honesty is the best policy. Tell him how you think and feel.
Does he honestly believe he is all knowing? Probably not. Why does he feel the need to be all knowing? Does he himself know the answer to this question? How does the arguement to who is right start anyways? There is an underlying cause to this routine.
Do you understand where he is coming from when he forms his opinion? Even if it is not "right", does it matter to you if you know it is not? Perhaps he just needs you to listen. What he has to say is revealing to who he is. Listen.
Also, what household does he come from? Was his mother the one doing all the household chores? What of his Father? Was his mother happy and more efficient when it came to household chores and maybe shooed the father out of the household work? Does he come from a broken home where no such values of helping out were taught?
Tell him that if he would be wililng to help you out once a week with say, dishes, you would be thankful to him. Maybe that is all you need; that one thing. That it would make you happy. That this small act is an act of love.
Him willing to help you out at least once a week shows that he can listen to your wants and needs and that he can be helping shows his love and commitment. Tell him this.
I say just tell him how you are feeling and how you are thinking. Tell him that he has to sit and listen to you and not to start defending himself. Say I need you to listen as it is important to our relationship.
Just know in return, you will need to listen to him. You have to be willing to be for him what you need from him.
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A
female
reader, le_tigre +, writes (10 July 2006):
Hey,
This is totally understandable! Of course you want help around the house, a bit of understanding and appreciation for what you do.
I think the best way round this is to have a talk with him. Make sure there aren't any distractions such as the TV, and tell him how you feel. You'll know what to do at this time, when you see how he is feeling as well. This communication is vital...he might not even realise what hes doing, and how much stress and responsibility it puts on you. Agree to disagree, and suggest going out and doing something that interests you both! Maybe this way it will stop him sitting around all day, and you'll get to have fun too! No one wants their relationship to be a chore, and it doesnt have to be.
Im here for you
xx
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