A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I am 21 and in college, and I've been with my current boyfriend for nearly 10 months now. At first, we really hit it off - we've known each other for a few years and are really close friends. That was back in the summer of 2010. Now being back at school, the romance has simmered, the honeymoon phase ended, and everything was stable. It is something that normally I am completely fine with, because before him I was in a serious relationship for nearly three years.For some reason though, it just doesn't feel right. I do care for him greatly, and we use to tell each other that we loved each other. However when I started feeling doubtful I told him my feelings. He claims he still loves me but doesn't say it or expect me to return it - he's been so understanding that it breaks my heart.I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I still find him attractive, but he doesn't turn me on the way he use to. I enjoy his company, but more often now I'm just as happy being alone or going with other friends because then we don't run the risk of arguing (he is always thinking he's done something wrong and goes back and forth between apologizing and being mad for feeling like he needs to apologize when I tell him he doesn't need to). He's kind, loving, loyal, everything a girl could need. I don't know why I feel so...unsatisfied.I will say that I did make friends with a new guy a few month back. He is amazingly intelligent and kind and very sexy, and I never thought I'd fall for him as hard as I did. However he is older and has had his heart set on another for some time. It is a long-distance relationship right now, but he had every intention of marrying her, up until recent circumstances (now I'm not sure what will happen). He has said that he likes me, but he can't be with me (He isn't religious, but his family wouldn't approve of me for religious reasons). I really like him a lot, and it hurts to know that he and I could not at least try a relationship at some point, but I am not going to pressure him into something he feels he can't do.So here I am - I have lost my spark in my current relationship and the new guy that ignited my spark won't date me. What can I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anonymous, I am sorry that you got the impression that I was acting immaturely or am meaning harm to my current boyfriend. I have discussed breaking it off with him in the past, but it was his choice to continue because he was claiming that he would just want to kill himself without me - obviously even if he doesn't mean it literally I do not want to risk such events. And again, I have not started anything with this other individual - I was frank in my feelings but I won't pursue anything unless both 1)my boyfriend and I split and 2) he changes his mind about the barriers regarding his family. I never agreed with women who were being fickle, which is why I came asking for advice - to help me to overcome this fickle feeling.
The last thing I would ever want to do to him is take advantage of him - my three year relationship that I mentioned, well it was a rather emotionally abusive relationship, where my ex would go from calling me a slut to throwing objects and yelling to belittling my beliefs and values and goals. I stuck by him as long as I did because he was very sick (physically) and didn't want to be so mean as to abandon him at such a difficult time. He instead took advantage of me being there for him as a way to release all of his anger and frustration. Even in a more minor way, I would never wish to do that to another. especially not one that I care about.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): Well your not going to like this but I believe in being honest. What comes around goes around. You had this amazing guy that it sounds like you didn't appreciate and walked all over him. Don't feel bad for him. Once he gets past you he will be scouped up by another girl who will appreciate him and show that appreciation all the time. You never should have started anything with that other guy. Sounds to me like you are just looking for the excitement of the new fling. My advise...Don't get serious with anyone or lead anyone on. You're clearly not emotionally ready for a serious relationship and would prefer to just keep screwing around and bouncing from one infatuation to another. Maybe someday after you have your heart trampled on a few times, you'll realize what's important in a mate and in life. I'm sorry if i'm being too blunt but you defenitely strike me as an immature typical 21 year old girl. Please cut this boyfriend loose before he suffers any more.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 March 2011):
 it sounds like you were always a tiny bit more capable, than your Bf, in various ways, right from the start. You were his first. Your assisted him in many ways. His tantrums, his jealousy etc.
Perhaps you and your Bf started out on the same X road, but you were always on a path pointing one way and he was on the same road just slightly pointing in a slightly different direction. Over time as you kept travelling the distance between the two of you just go wide V and wider.
Now you have grown apart
You know you are ready to move on.
But you are kind, you do not want to hurt him.
It's not your role to be his Mom. A grown man should have outgrown tantrums a long time ago. He should have enough faith in you not to get so jealous.
And you do not need to hold back on reaching your dreams for fear of hurting your bf.
People drifting apart does happen.
You have been good to him.
He is probably a better man today than he would have been without you.
A stagnating relationship is not a good look. I
...........V....is it downhill all the way now?
Is that what you deserve? I don't think so.
I have this theory that a couple 'in sync' physically' sexually, emotionally, you name it, psychologically, sensually, socially, intellectually, - not clones - but on the same wave length just get better and better tgether. They look better, the grow, they understand each other on a deep level. There is an unmistakable trust between them, a peace, a unity. It is beautiful to see.
And one meets, from time to time, people i call 'evolved' people.
In ancient time they would be called the 'wise people'
But wisdom and 'evolved' is not an age thing. They could be 16 or 96.
But evolved people have reached the top of Maslow's pyramid. They are free of jealousy, they care about others, while still respecting themselves.
You are entitled to enjoy (find?) a partner who is your counterpart and who wants a partner, not someone to come in and mop up after a bout of jealousy or a tantrum.
I can see why you felt a spark for this other guy. You sense a lack in your current relationship. There are many glorious men in this world who may well be able to bring dazzling fireworks and passion into your life. I hope you find the spark to light up a warm happy rainbow in the sky
Don't allow guilt about how your current Bf will cope without you. He is a grown man. You have been very good for him. He should be thankful. Now it is your time to pursue a journey on the road you need to travel on to find happiness
Best wishes for the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbella, thank you for your response. I am unsure if he will marry his girlfriend. As I stated, recent circumstances have them re-thinking everything, and her lack of contact with him does not prove promising. It is rather sad - I do wish to see him happy, and he has tried to be with her for quite some time. I know he feels that this girl is all or nothing. While she may not be in the picture much longer, his family's cultural barriers are a big problem, and I don't expect him to disregard their feelings. That would be foolish wishful thinking and selfishness on my part.Still, I do not know where to look now regarding my current relationship - yes the questioning and apologizing gets annoying, but he's always been that way. I've heard of these things not being problems until later on, but I also tend to calmly just walk him through his 'tantrums' and then he's fine - it hasn't bothered me except for the occasional outburst when we're among friends (his jealous streak). Sex is another issue - he isn't bad, after all I was his first and 'trained him' if you will. But the desire for him just isn't there like it use to be. We are different on a lot of levels, but not in so many important areas that would significantly impact a relationship. The few key areas we easily have come to mutual terms on. It is the paradox of the good relationship - there is a problem because there is no problem. It isn't just stable, it's stagnating unusually quickly...
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 March 2011):
i am sorry that one potential issue tag was given and does not suit your situation and i am not sure if it can be removed. Perhaps it was seen as a 'potential' issue. But you have demonstrated your high standards. Sorry i did not see your followup until after I send my answer through
I think you have handled things so far very caringly with your current Bf. You have been sensitive and understanding of his feelings throughout
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 March 2011):
It is so good that you were honest with your Bf when you knew you no longer felt as enamoured with your boyfriend.You were gentle and honest with him.But allowing it to limp on, him hoping your feelings for him will improve to how things were before may be difficult and cause the relationship to deteriorate.Is there any way to resurect your relationship?Would counselling help uncover what went wrong and what could be fixed? Or is it too late?If all is really lost then exit gracefully.Remember the good times, thank him for his support, but be honest and tell him it's really over this time. That your feelings for him will not return, and so it is no longer fair to stay as bf/gf.And I think all his apologizing would become wearing. Perhaps that makes you question if he is the man for you? Apologizing all the time is not exactly alpha-male, i means how many alpha-males do that?If you really want to move, then a clean break is required from your current bf.Your new spark is showing he is a manwith standards. Though currently he is in a LDR. And he has feelings for his Gf, admitedly depleted feelings. Plus cultural barriers exist between his values and outlook and yours. Such that his parents also may be a factor to consider?Thar's a heavy barrier to developing any relationship. Plus he's made it clear he will marry his Gf.If this older man has already made it clear that he will marry his LDR lady then he is off-limits all the time he remains in this relationship. It is so good that you are clear that you will not pressure him.I mean who wants to be the second choice AFTER the woman he intends to marry?I think it is time you re-examined what it is that you need from a relationship. And what qualities make for your ideal man? And what direction you need your life to take? You are entitled to your happiness with a man of your dreams. And a man who provides the sizzle, excitement and challenge you need in your life. Best wishes with your search.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to note a couple more things: 1) It is not me and the other guy who is in the LDR - it is him and his current gf/fiancee/whatever they are.
2)I noticed that this was tagged under 'cheating' and I am not nor will I cheat on my boyfriend. I am a person who is frank with their feelings, and if things cannot be worked out I will be honest about it. While I like this other guy and we have discussed such things (he is also an upfront, frank person), nothing has happened. The interest is obvious between us, but that is it.
3)If I knew what I should do, I'd be doing it. I am not unhappy, just unsatisfied for some reason. I'd take care of that reason if I knew what it was, and I've tried to find it. It has been that way since before I met the other guy, though I am certain it hasn't helped.
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