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writes: Soulmates. Yes, I know how it goes. The general belief many people seem to hold about this topic is that we all have a Soulmate. One person out there somewhere, who we are forever searching for. We are incomplete without them, lost and alone. And if one day we find our Soulmate, it will be a time of rejoicing. It will be the greatest love we have ever experienced, and we will live out the rest of our days in eternal bliss with that person.Hmm, yeah, well...I’m not so sure about that! I used to have those same beliefs. Who doesn’t at some point? But certain things have changed my beliefs on this subject. Age, experiences, different theories...and now, I guess I have developed my own personal set of beliefs about life, and about Soulmates. So what are my thoughts on Soulmates? Okay, well, I believe that we all have Soulmates. Yes, Soulmates plural. More than one. I’m not sure how I think it happened, but one line of thought suggests that each time a soul is reborn into a new life, it splits into two, creating separate souls. Over and over again during each incarnation. So the result is a scattering of people who share the same soul. And when those people meet, there is a feeling of knowing that person, of a deep kinship, a connection that cannot be explained. I don’t know if that is how it works, but it is one theory.So, I believe we have more than one Soulmate. There can even be Soul Groups, a whole cluster of people who share the same soul. I personally believe that I have met some Soulmates throughout my life, people I have felt an instant and unexplainable bond with, something so deep it cannot be described. Some of those people were friends, some just passed by. It only happened a few times, but I felt it all the same, and so did they. And they all brought something important into my life.Which brings me to my next point – I don’t think our Soulmates are necessarily going to be our partners. They could be friends, co-workers, even enemies. But there will be that feeling of a connection. I do also believe that at least one of our Soulmates will be a love partner for us, someone we can have a romantic relationship with. But not all of them. And they can be of any sex, any age, any race. They could do any job, be anybody...it doesn’t matter. None of that matters.I don’t believe that we will meet our Soulmates and automatically live happily ever after with them. Sorry, but that is just unrealistic in my opinion. Just because you may be Soulmates, doesn’t mean that the relationship will be forever, or that you should stay with them no matter what. Of course not. What if your Soulmate is unbearable to live with? And it is killing the both of you to be together? Do you stay with them anyway, because it is “meant to be?” I don’t think you should, if it is that bad. It isn’t always going to work out. However, I DO believe that your Soulmate will teach you something. There is always an important reason for when Soulmates meet. It could be that you have something to give to each other. Or a lesson to learn from one another. Maybe you are both in need of support. Or it could very well be that you are going to have a long-lasting relationship and grow old together. We have no way of knowing. But I think that sometimes, our Soulmates enter our lives for a very specific purpose, or during a certain period of our lives. And once the lesson is learned, or the experience is over, they leave each other’s lives again. And that is okay. It doesn’t mean that you were never Soulmates after all. Just that the interaction has served its purpose. But there are more Soulmates out there for you to meet; it wasn’t only that one person.I think I can best illustrate what I am trying to say by describing a relationship I was in a few years ago. I am not going to go into too many of the personal details, as it is extremely complex and personal, and possibly very difficult to understand. But what I will say is that it was a very unconventional relationship. When we first met, he was just another random guy. No big deal. Due to various reasons, we started to talk and spend time together, and did some work together. Pretty much straight away, I felt a connection with him. And I knew he felt it too. (I’ll call him...um...John. Not his real name, but I would like to protect his identity). We would spend hours talking, or playing chess in silence. We once spent an entire day together, and never once felt sick of the other or in need of space. We just didn’t want to be apart. Now, we were very different on the surface. But inside, we were one and the same. When I was with him, I felt complete. Like a hole inside myself had been filled. The funny thing was, I had never even noticed that space inside me until meeting John. But I wondered how I had ever gotten through life before meeting him. We kept having unexplainable coincidences where we would end up in situations together, making it difficult to be apart. Not that we wanted to be. It just seemed like fate was trying to push us together. Unless you have felt it yourself, it is very difficult to describe the experience. But it is more than just liking or caring for someone. It is more than just an attraction. There is an intensely strong bond, like you are magnets drawing each other. You just KNOW there is something very special and unique going on.To cut a long story short, it got to the point where people had noticed there was something between us. Due to our complex circumstances, any kind of relationship between us would be wrong, very wrong. We could both get into trouble. And that prompted us to have an intense talk, where our feelings for each other poured out. But neither of us was surprised, as we already knew. Fast-forwarding again, we did enter into a relationship. A very turbulent one. People had found out and did not like it, so that was tricky. It seemed the world was against us being together. It was extremely difficult. But I loved him, and didn’t care about the cost. Yes, I loved him. I had been in a few relationships before, but never had I experienced anything like this. I was going through a very spiritual period in my life, and was very calm and thinking clearly. So I could comprehend with clarity what I was feeling, and what was going on. I had never experienced feelings like that before. I didn’t know it was possible for me to have such strong feelings of love for a person. I realised that all my past relationships had been empty, and that while I had cared about them, I had never loved any of them. Now I knew what love was, there was no doubt. It wasn’t infatuation. It wasn’t denial of the truth. I had never felt so connected to all of life before up until that point.Unfortunately, John was having problems with alcohol. Serious problems. He lost his job, his home...everything. And he turned into someone else, someone I didn’t recognise. Someone who wasn’t so nice. I tried to help him as much as I could. But it became unbearable, and I was sinking under the pressure. He lied to me, he was manipulative, he stole from me, he cheated, he hurt me, he broke my heart...and he was beginning to frighten me. But I stood by him for so long, because I loved him. I wasn’t stupid. I could see what was happening, and wasn’t sure if he even cared about me at all...but I loved him, so would help him. But after so long of that treatment, I walked away. I knew it wouldn’t work, and we were simply killing each other. So I walked away...The point is, just because it didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean we weren’t Soulmates, or didn’t have a real connection. It wasn’t a waste. I had learned something incredibly important. I had learned what love was. I know it might sound strange. How could he have taught me about love, with the way he was treating me? But that was the whole point. It can be easy to feel love for someone if they are nice to you. But when someone is horrible to you, it’s a different matter. Yet no matter what John did, I never stopped loving him. I had to say “no” at times. I had to walk away at other times. But it didn’t change my feelings. I knew he wouldn’t change, or start treating me better. I wasn’t expecting anything from him. I had my eyes wide open and could see him for what he was. But it didn’t change anything. I loved him for him. Not for his looks, or his career, or how he treated other people. I just loved...I don’t know...his essence maybe? The core of who he was, even if it wasn’t so nice. It was unconditional. He didn’t have to earn it, and he couldn’t do anything to lose it. It was just there. I honestly don’t know if he ever loved me, but again, it didn’t matter. It made no difference. Fast-forwarding again...it has been a long while since John and I had any contact. He did try to contact me at times, but I never responded. It wouldn’t work. It was hard at first, but now I have moved on, and I hope he has too. I can think about him without feeling that desperate need to be near him. He will always have a place in my heart, but I don’t feel that intense pull and connection anymore. I think that is because the relationship served its purpose, and it is done. I learned a lot from John. I learned about love, and about what I want and don’t want from a relationship. I learned how I would like to be treated, and how I would like to treat someone else. It was all worth it. I hope I also had something to teach John, or to bring to his life. This is my way of trying to describe how I don’t think Soulmate relationships are automatically destined to be forever, or to be perfectly harmonious. They still require work. Both people are still only human, after all. And some of the relationships may only be brief, in order to teach you something, and then there comes the time to move on. Sometimes it is necessary to let go and walk away, like it was for me. I have read questions before on this site from people who say they are in a relationship that is not working. They are desperate, completely unhappy, struggling, yet they don’t want to leave the relationship because they believe they are with their Soulmate. And I believe what they say. When they describe that intense, unbelievable connection, that deep love for the other person that they cannot explain, I know what they are feeling, and that it is real. And yes, I agree that they are quite possibly with a Soulmate. Because of that though, they often think they have to stay no matter what. Even if they have spent months trying to work things out with the other person, to no avail, even if it is killing the both of them to be together, they think they have to stay, because they are destined to be together. And all of this is what I would like to say to them. That even if you are with a Soulmate, it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t walk away. You will already have gained a lot from the relationship – that experience of great love. But it may now be time for both people to move on. Yes, the connection is magical, but life is not a fairytale, all glass slippers and happily ever after. A good dose of reality is also important.But even if you do have to move on, like I did, it’s not the end. It doesn’t mean that your one chance of happiness with someone is gone, so you should just give up hoping. There are others out there. And you can have those feelings for someone else. For a long time after John, I shut down. I honestly thought I would never experience those feelings again. But it can and does happen, no matter how long it may take. It isn’t hopeless.Anyway, these are just some of my thoughts on the subject of Soulmates. I’m not saying I am right, or that this is the truth. I guess we may never know. I think we will all have different thoughts on this, some people may not even believe in it at all, and that is fine too. And maybe this sounds like lovey-dovey nonsense, or a fantasy. Again, we are all different and will hold different views. These are just mine.
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reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (4 August 2010):
Deep...Very good points. Some people are just better for our soul that others.
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male
reader, Illithid  +, writes (2 August 2010):
 I'm reminded of this old writeup that's been circling the Net for years:
http://en.nothingisreal.com/wiki/Why_I_Will_Never_Have_a_Girlfriend
Using a little simple math and some vague assumptions, he argues that there are as many as 18,000 potential matches for any given person, but since that works out to be less than 1 in 157,000 gender-appropriate people on the planet. So it sure feels like there's only the one person that fits.
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