A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi and thanksSo my son is 21 years old. After he graduated at 17, he's had no motivation to get a job or attend college. I have tried countless times to talk to him about it. I believe he suffers from anxiety. He's always over thinking everything and has trouble even being around people. I have offered to take him to the doctors many times but he won't go. He reminds me he's 21 and it's his decision. He lives at home I work 7 days a week and I'm exhausted. When I do have a day off which is seldom I want to relax he gets rude and tells me I don't know why your tired you only work 5 hours a day. My mouth drops because I'm shocked he can even talk that way when he's not attending college or working. I have health conditions as well including my heart. So I ask him to help around the house like cooking and cleaning and he even complains about that. I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2022): When I finished university and moved back home my parents started charging me rent. It was well below market rate but nonetheless made it clear to me that I couldn't sponge off them forever. Perhaps you should do the same with your son. People with anxiety still work (I have anxiety and am quite introverted but still have a job). He is just lazy and thoughtless, especially considering you are working 7 days a week with poor health yourself. Give him a realistic time limit to find a job and have a weekly check-in with him about which jobs he has applied for. Then stick to your guns. If he has made no efforts then eventually you will have to be cruel to be kind.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2022): Typo corrections:
"He doesn't work, or go to school; because he doesn't feel like it, and he knows you can't do anything about it!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2022): This is the hardest ultimatum a loving mother can offer an adult-child. Particularly to a grown-up male!!! "Get a job, or find another place to live!" If necessary, set the legal apparatus in motion to have him evicted from your home.
When young birds outgrow the nest, their parents push them out of it.
He has more or less challenged you..."make me!!!" A lot of people write here to DC for advice, especially women. They don't usually follow-through on our suggestions. They want a soft and easy way to do things. They want magic solutions. You've tried all that. So...here you are! Now it's time to pullout the big guns.
He is an adult. You've exhausted every avenue, and talk doesn't work on people who know you don't mean what you say. He is a full-sized adult-male, and he disrespects you as a woman. He feels he can overpower or ignore you, because he's male; and he knows all your talk is just that...talk! You feel sorry for him, so you try to make up pitiful excuses. He doesn't work or go to school, because he doesn't feel like and, and he knows you can't do anything about it! You're getting older and he's a young strapping-male too heavy to lift. Yet he's manbaby enough to suckle, have you change his diapers, do his laundry, cook, and clean-up after him!
You can sit-down with this man and try and talk all you want! You're talking to yourself! How much has talking helped? It's time for action. He disrespects you, he doesn't care what you say. He needs to see consequences; and he is taking advantage of your love. You can't bear the thought of him being helpless and homeless. He's a big man enough to ignore you; and disregard your rights and authority in your own house! You make excuses for him by attributing his laziness and disrespect for some kind of anxiety. That is such an overused excuse in modern-culture. Attribute everything to anxiety, or blame yourself. Never placing the responsibility on him, to fend for himself.
You can blame yourself for only one thing. Being his enabler, by being a mother to a manbaby who has no respect for you in your own home. You nag, nag, nag! He flips you off, like a pesky fly! He won't even pretend to want to help you! He has no compassion or empathy for you. As if you owe him something. You've raised him to adulthood, and he should be taking care of YOU!!!
I am not attempting to downplay or disregard any of the advise given previously by other wise people who have responded. Your ultimate solution to your problem is to kick him out; and let him learn how to take care of himself. I assure you this; he will not allow himself to starve, and he will not allow himself to be homeless. You've coddled and babied him to the degree that he has commandeered your home, and forces you to support him. He's driving you to an early grave. He'll probably outlive you to become a permanent-resident in your house; while you're buried six-feet under. He is a giant parasite.
Start eviction, and give him 90 days notice to find employment; or enroll himself in a trade school. He can apply for financial-aid; but he will still have to find a part-time job, while attending trade school.
You've allowed him to takeover your home; and he takes advantage of your lack of physical-strength to take him by the scruff of the neck and throw him out the door! He is the typical bum who lives on a woman, or his mother; while treating her terribly. Refusing to help her in any way; because she can't force him too. If you need help from other adult-males in your family; then maybe you ought to call together a family-intervention. Enlist the strength of menfolk in the family; to show him, that if you need to, you will find someone to physically remove him from your home. Talk hasn't worked, now you have to resort to stronger tactics.
Evict him!
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (19 October 2022):
 I think that you need to sit him down and have and have a chat and get some rules in place. Draw up a type of rota where he has some set tasks to do during the week, maybe jobs like taking the rubbish out, mowing the lawn, sorting his own laundry etc.
My 19 year old son lives with me now as his Mum never wanted him there any longer, and has done for the last 6 months. He signed on to a job agency and within a week they found him a local job that he can walk too, and works 8am till 16.30. It's given him a sense of worth and he has his own money. Since living with me and getting a job his well being and mental health is a lot better and he now has a more positive outlook on life.
I think maybe this is the route to go down, go online with him and sign onto a few agencies and get a C.V drawn up.
I am not sure what its like where you are, but i would also think that while he is not working he would be entitled to some sort of benefit/job seekers allowance, worth looking in to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2022): Tell him to get a job or start attending college (or a trade school). Also tell him to start doing chores around the house or he needs to move out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 October 2022):
 I'd sit him down.
Give him a choice. Chores or get a job. OR move out and be homeless.
Give him a set of rules - such as, He cooks for himself, cleaning up after himself, do his own laundry.
I have a kiddo (22) who works 30 hours a week AND still does chores. She doesn't pay rent or food - she pays her phone bill and either gas or water (whichever is lowest) She is a high functioning Autistic. And while she has not the best social skills and is highly anxious too, she STILL manages to work 30 hours a week and has improved SO much in many areas - such as social skills. I didn't want to be "that" parent who kicked out an "adult" kid, she HAD the choice to go to college (definitely smart enough) or work. She wasn't sure about college so she started working, part-time at first and now 30 hours a week.
He is not doing squat because you ALLOW it.
He is 21. He needs some consequences and a dose of reality.
Yes, I get that he could be suffering from Anxiety but that doesn't automatically give him the "right" to live off you and not contribute anything.
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