A
female
age
41-50,
*ornintwo
writes:Is the selfish option, the right option? I have a loving husband who is ideal in many ways. Aquantances, work colleagues, friends and family all sing his praises as someone totally fabulous - and they say I am very lucky. To others though, we seem like a strange match. I am dominant, successful, highly strung, and intelligent. My husband is laid back, passive to my dominance, and sometimes lacks drive and ambition. I definitely "wear the trousers" in our relationship.We are totally at the opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of personality - and they do say opposites attract. The problem is that about 3 years ago I suffered with post natal depression quite severely. I nearly had a breakdown, and at that time I NEEDED my husband to take control and essentially step into my shoes. He struggled to give me exactly what I needed, although he did do his best to see me through this. Since then, I have changed somewhat and I have softned around the edges. Now it seems that we are not such opposites, and I don't think we match so well. We have both recognised this, and have mutually worked to improve our relationship.He is devoted to me, and there is nothing he wouldn't do for me. I know he has become reliant on me for so much more than just love - money, guidance, life coaching etc. I do care for him so much, and we have a fabulous son together. However, I don't see him as my lover anymore. I do love him but more in a caring way, but I don't know if it is enough. I see him more as my best friend. I don't know if this is enough to continue my years of marriage with him. I crave a manly figure in my life in terms of someone who shares some of my characteristics - high intelligence, ambition, drive etc. But then I am not sure if we would clash ultimately. Is this selfish? We nearly split last year, but the thing that held me back was my total fear of hurting him and the affects this may have on my son. I am not generally unhappy, but I sometimes find myself actively seeking a better match in terms of a partner. I don't know if this is forever.What should I do?
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male
reader, Marriedtwokids +, writes (8 February 2008):
I am the “anonymous” poster returning to this again. Why am I returning to this problem? I guess because I was moved by your response.
I am sad that you have clearly tried to address the issues in your marriage along the lines I suggested and the outcome is where you are now rather than where I hoped you would get to.
I have a lot of sympathy for you. This does not appear to be some short lived “I’m a bit bored with him” problem. You are clearly genuinely unhappy at least to some extent with the relationship and yet your posts tell me you have been struggling with trying to balance your feelings with the feelings for your husband and your desire for stability for your son. You have tried to address the issues in a constructive and sensitive manner.
I also feel a lot of sympathy for your husband. I feel sympathy for him because I know how hard it is to cope as the husband of someone who has had PND. I feel sympathy because I can imagine that at the moment he is likely to be unhappy too. You know him best, but I suspect that although he may not know the full extent of your growing unhappiness, he knows all is not well, particularly if your sex life is deteriorating. It sounds like he is making great efforts to make you happy, but I suspect he may be worried that it’s not enough. Ironically, however, if you do eventually decide to end it, I suspect it will still come as a terrible shock to him.
Finally I feel sorry for your child, because he/she is facing the possibility of two parents growing more unhappy together, or of seeing them separate and divorce.
You say you are “not generally unhappy”. I think you need to work out just how unhappy you are. Every marriage goes through periods where one or other or both partners wonder whether it is working or whether they should be with someone else. I know I have and, for me it has always been a passing phase. Also, do not underestimate how long it takes to fully recover from PND. In my marriage I suspect it took us two-three years to get fully back on track. Perhaps you should focus more on doing fun things for you rather than doing things or trying to not do things for your family. Creating your own space to do your own fun things can only help to amke you feel happier.
What makes your position difficult is that you say you are looking out (hypothetically at least) for a new life-partner. But think about how this is going to play out. Say you meet the “right” man, will you leave your husband and hope Mr Right is there to commit to you and that he is the “right” man? You might decide to test the waters first and have an affair (emotional and/or sexual) and then leave your husband but an exciting affair is still no guarantee that he is Mr Right and will cause additional pain to others. Or are you going to divorce your husband in the hope Mr Right comes along in due course? I’m sorry to be so blunt but, as I suspect you know already, these give or take, are the alternative scenarios.
I have no more advice to give except this. Each marriage is a complex, unique, imperfect thing. Every marriage goes through periods of unhappiness for one or other or both partners. Often these periods of unhappiness can be overcome and the marriage continues and prospers. Sometimes they cannot be overcome. Only you know whether you think you can muddle through and see if it improves (with effort on both your parts). Only you know if further counselling might help or whether it is flogging a dead horse. Only you know whether your husband’s good qualities and love for you and stability for your son outweigh your desire for something different. Only you know how unhappy you truly are and whether this outweighs the pain of divorce. I would suggest you stick it out for a bit longer at least, and be very, very sure you want to end it before you start down that path.
If you eventually decide it cannot go on, I can only repeat my plea that you end it as best you can. You seem a sensitive and intelligent woman and you will know there is rarely a “good” divorce, there only divorces which go badly and those that go less badly. Everyone suffers, but you will almost certainly have the comfort of being the one making the decision, of staying in your home and having your son with you. Your husband, in contrast, will feel he has lost everything he values most: you, his day to day family life, his home (and I mean home and not “house”), and (last but by no means least) continuous contact with his son. Speaking as a man, if you end it please bear that in mind and be as sensitive and as kind as you can be, particularly with regard to child contact.
I feel this is all a bit redundant as everything in your posts suggests to me you know and have thought about all this already. I’ll therefore close by just saying I feel sad for you and your loved ones and that I hope you will give it your best shot.
A
female
reader, tornintwo +, writes (6 February 2008):
tornintwo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses. As mentioned by "anonymous" I have already spoken to my husband at length about the changes to me and our relationship as a result of my PND. It very nearly split us up 2 years ago, but we persisted and tried to make it work.
We attended counselling, and talked through what we both wanted. I tried to make changes to myself to be more accomodating of our changed relationship, and he has tried very hard too which I recognise.
I have tried to let go, and allow him to take control, but I find myself frustrated as he sees my needs as being mainly domestic. In that I mean, he helped by doing more chores around the house and by being thoughtful whenever he could. This is lovely, and plenty of you reading this may think "what the heck is she moaning about", but I think it is just a fundamental difference in terms of the people we are that is not working. We are very different, and although I think he is a fab, caring person, I feel there is a growing void in terms of what I want from a husband and in a relationship. I have tried to explain this to him without causing him hurt - I am concluding that it is me that has the problem rather than my husband.
In terms of doing what's best for my son, the relationship we are in does provide him with love, stability and a family. In the long term though, I am not sure it is the best thing for him to observe two unhappy parents who are together for convenience.
Tough..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): This is the first time I have posted on this site. The reason I am doing so is I feel I have some insight into the ups and downs of long term marriages having been in a long term relationship for over 20 years including being married for 15 years. Perhaps therefore I’m biased, but I’m going to start on the basis that you are willing to try to work on and improve your marriage.
Marriages evolve because the people within them change and circumstances change. A marriage that works in the long term, in my experience, is one where both partners adapt their relationship and their roles within the relationship over time. This often, infact almost always, means compromise on both sides.
I get the impression you have different expectations of your husband as you move away from your more dominant position following your PND and that you expect your husband to pick up the slack. You want him to be more dynamic and pro-active. Fair enough, but does he know that? Have you sat down and told him or are you not doing stuff and waiting for him to do it? Speaking as a man, we often are not the best at picking up hints, and even if he has he may not feel comfortable moving out of the long established comfort zone created by you effectively running everything. Without some context, even if you tell him explicitly to do something, he may not really understand how important it is to you that he does it.
My advice is that you have to tell him explicitly but gently that the game has changed, that things need to change, and it’s up to him to step up to the plate more. How you do it is up to you, but I would suggest that the PND is a good starting point. After my wife suffered PND we had a fundamental review of the relationship and what our priorities were and it resulted in my wife giving up work and, over the period of a couple of years, finding a new role. I suggest you try something similar in that you try to engage him in a conversation about what you both want going forward. Say you really appreciated what he did during your PND and that you want to build on that. If you want him to do more, try to work out what you want him to take responsibility for. Perhaps start off small and build up. It does not all have to be one way: you should encourage him to tell you what he wants going forward as well. Try to make it a joint project to improve your marriage rather than a purely one-way “you must do more” or “you must change”.
One thing though, if he does start to do more you have to let go and let him do it, even if you think he is not doing it well or you could do it better. If you want him to do more, you criticising him or taking the task back out of his hands will only undermine his confidence.
Whatever you do, don’t tell him you don’t fancy him anymore, even if it’s true. There is nothing more corrosive than being told by your partner that they do not find you sexually attractive. Anybody would take it badly and being told this by the person you love, no matter how gently, feels like a direct and very personal attack. You say you don’t see him as a lover, but sex is an important glue in most marriages and its long term absence is often a bad sign and a cause of unhappiness and tension under the surface. There are reams of advice on trying to get back the “spark” on this site and other sources. All I would say is try to address this area as well and try to help him be the kind of lover you want. Most men respond to such guidance (if its done as “I like this” rather than “your not very good, do better”) with enthusiasm because, if they love you, they want to make you happy. Also, you may find that if the wider changes work out and make you happier, your feelings for him may start to return.
Finally, I would say you have to realistic. There is much you can ask him to change but you cannot re-make him into a totally new person in the image of the more thrusting, ambitious, intellectual husband you say you desire.
You describe your husband in terms that state or suggest that he is a good man and father and that he loves you deeply. As plenty others will tell you these are not traits to be dismissed lightly in a life-partner. If you do love him, or at least care for him deeply, then give him a genuine chance to respond to the new dynamic. I suggest the years you have spend together earns him a shot, even if only for you child’s sake. It will not be easy, but if despite such an effort it does not work out, or you find your feelings for him have changed too much, then at least you can start to find a way out of your marriage knowing you both have given it your best shot.
Of course, you may have reached this point already. I am a great believer in marriage, but if your post is really trying to say it is already irrevocably over then try to end the marriage with as much sensitivity, good will and grace as you can and leave the husband you say you still care about with as much of his dignity and self-confidence intact as is possible.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (4 February 2008):
 I think you need to work on your marriage. So many people treat marriage as "I'll get in it, and if a small change, I can just get right back out." When having a partner, their's many times people wonder, "could I do better." But you have a son as well. By doing this, you're teaching him to follow in your behaviors.
Selfish, yea, I'd have to say so. Your husband isn't abusive, does everything he can for you, you're the one that changed. Personally I'd say in this situation, If you decided to "trade up" be the part-time parent, and leave your son in the home with his father.
Now what works for me. I'm a single parent. I believe it when people say after 18 years, we somewhat get out lives back. Until then every decision I make benefits my children first, self beneficial only if my children benefit as well. As far as finding a lover. In approx. 40 days, I'll begin on 3 years with no sexual contact whatsoever. I do this because my children need me. They need stability. They need to know where they belong, and above all other, they need to know I'll be there for them, and that I don't make deicisions that might cause them any mental or physical harm. To fulfill that, I made a choice to push away sexual temptations, and live every day for my children.
I've used this quote before and I'll use it here. "It's OK to want to find happiness, but it's not OK to do so at the expense of your children."
When I say at the expense, it means what does it cost your child by making your decision?
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