A
female
age
41-50,
*rowneyez1900
writes:I recently met and fell in love with a great man. If were not together we are talking. He makes sure I know he loves me. We plan on moving in together. I have a son and his Dad is not in his life he has stepped up to the plate and I respect him so much for that. Here is the problem he lost his mom right before Christmas. It was a hard December as she was on life support and passed on thr 22nd. I have been there for him and been extremely patient and understanding. But, we have not been spending as much time together which is to be expected. Things seem very off latley. We got into a bad argument the other day and we did not talk for two days. Whe. We did we talked it out and tried to get back on track. The rest of that day he didn't seem quiet like hisself. The next day I again did not talk to him all day which is strange. I called and I texted but, I got no response until this morning when he texted back and almost seemed angry that I was concerned about him. He said that his nephew's head injury (fell off his bike) was worse than they originally thought and he didn't want to talk to anyone and his phone was in the car. Something about that story bothered me and im curious am I wrong for doubting him?? Why would you not contact me all day and we are in a serious relationship and tell me this. I just backed off and decided that if I hear from him I do but, im not going to keep trying to contact him because it seems like im bothering him. So please tell me am I wrong for doubting this story? Im not a kid and we are both adults. I just feel like something is off i dont want to play the fool.
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female
reader, browneyez1900 +, writes (26 January 2014):
browneyez1900 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice I will definitely take heed. I have not contacted him since I replied to the text yesterday morning nor his he contacted me. I'm trying my best to give him the space he needs.
I didn't mean to sound mean in my response but, if it's anyone who knows what it is to loss someone it's me. I would not expect him to be back to normal and I do understand.
A
female
reader, browneyez1900 +, writes (26 January 2014):
browneyez1900 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni never said I expected him yo be over losing his mom. I said that ive been completely understanding. So, I feel yoh need to reread what my question was about. Because it was not that. No need to tell me to be mature. I dont appreciate that. I came here for advice not to be ridiculed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): You are being Waaaaaaaaaaaay too pressuring on him. I know you don't realise it, and I've done it myself countless times in the past without realising it, but if you don't 'get' this you will lose him.
This bewildered me for years, but most men feel out of control when a huge crisis like their mother dying hits. They'be been geared from birth to seem strong and invincible. To live up to this they often have to override their emotions - it's not that they don't feel them, they just learn to often override them.
After one month your man will still be feeling inwardly like absolute hell on earth because his mother died. It takes about 3 years to recover from a death if there are no traumatic circumstances of horrible unfinished business involved. If there was a trauma or a bad relationship with the deceased, it can take around 7 years to overcome the death and sometimes this never happens if the relationship was in any way bad.
Four weeks is nowhere near enough time for him to begin to recover. Inside he will be feeling like a lost child, totally lost and fragile. But he will have conflicting messages that he has to 'man up'. It's totally impossible for him to reconcile the two at this stage. HE NEEDS TIME. Every time you try to reach out to him it will hurt him because he is in lost child mode AND, unlike women, HE CANNOT openly admit this, even to himself, because he will have this extremely ingrained need not to seem weak. What you are doing, from his perspective, is like stabbing him in his deepest wounded part. I know that you need his reassurance and his love but trust me, please, he literally will suffer more and more if you reach out to him. You MUST let him set his own pace for this. Do not retreat angrily, do not sulk and make him feel bad, he will be extremely sensitive to your tone and to any tiny gesture from you that indicates you are angry with him or hurt. SO GET IT CLEAR IN YOUR OWN HEAD FIRST that you want him to get better in his own time, otherwise he will feel that you are somehow lying, even if you pretend otherwise.
Back to just you - I feel a need to tell you off slightly - I mean, what planet are you living on to think that ANYONE who has lost a parent can start to recover after 4 weeks. Man or woman has every right to be as testy and difficult as hell. When a parent dies you feel like you want to die with them, and part of you does. No one can really understand how you feel - if it's happened to the other person then they have a better chance of imagining how you might feel but, if not, they will inevitably do all the wrong things. If you really love this man you have to accept that you will be doing 'wrong' things and you must be strong and see that this really, really is not the time to be thinking about your own needs and your need for his reassurance. He can't give it and the more you try the worse you will make the situation. Be mature about this, don't make a fuss, just send him a simple message that you care and you are there and that you are trying to understand that he needs his space and time and that you are sorry if you overstepped the mark before. Tell him to take his time. And mean it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 January 2014):
 He lost his mother on Dec. 22nd, ... and you wonder why , about 4 weeks later, he is not as attentive or lovey -dovey as usual ? You wonder why he is a little distant or preoccupied, - in your opinion he should just have snapped out of it alreday and back to business as usual ?....
You have been supportive and understanding, but the need for your support and comprehension did not end on Dec. 22nd- you'll probably need to extend it for a few months. He is mourning a big loss and he's doing a bit of " me thing " not to spite you , but to heal and recoup his emotional energies.
As for his explanation, it sounds legit and possible to me, but , suppose it is not true, suppose that he actually had his phone in his pocket . Maybe he did not want just to come out and say : I simply did not want to talk to you. I simply did not feel like it ,on a day when I had so much other mental fish to fry.
He sounds angry when you show you are concerned, it's because your concern also feel like pressure. Since in part, I don't doubt it , it's real concern, and in part it's just your ego that resents not being shown the usual amount of attention and pulling his sleeve to get noticed , and be reassigned its usual rank. In other words, you may be concerned about him, but you are also as concerned about yourself. Your concern says " .. Hey dude ! What about ME ? ". I don't say that this would be wrong or strange , just that it can feel inappropriate and invasive to him.
Back off a bit, let him deal with his feelings in his own way, and gradually things will go back to normal.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): I'm curious about this...
"I called and I texted but, I got no response until this morning when he texted back and almost seemed angry that I was concerned about him."
What did you say when you called and texted him that day? What may be genuinely showing concern on your end may come across as annoying badgering on his end. When you're in a bad mood and unable to communicate with somebody for whatever reason, and then you find they're getting all worked up because you didn't return their calls or texts...sometimes that can cause an angry reaction. I'll be honest, I once broke up with a girl because of a text that said "what's wrong?!?" There were other texts before that that I hadn't answered, but that one was the final straw.
To be clear, I'm not saying you did anything wrong here. I'm just saying he didn't necessarily do anything wrong either. It could've been a genuine miscommunication, it happens, tensions are probably still high from the argument you had, even though you talked it out...just try not to read too much into this, is what I'm saying.
I don't think you should doubt his story, but I do think you're doing the right thing in taking a step back and letting him reach out to you the next time. You don't have to completely stop trying to contact him, but don't keep trying to contact him if he's not responding or trying to contact you back. Give him a call or text him, then wait for him to call or text you back before you try to contact him again. Let him dictate the pace until things get back to normal in his life. I'm not saying you have to wait around forever, but give him a little time to work out whatever's going on in his life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): We have been together 8 mths and he only met him after 6 which I do not see as a bad thing. If your serious about someone id rathet see how he responds to him now then wait until we have been together for years. This is the only man my son has seen me with beside his father. I am very good about keeping my child protected. He dosent watch him or take him anywhere without me. When I say move in im speaking of the near furture like in about 6 mths when my lease is up.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 January 2014):
 I don't doubt his story. He could be losing another important member in his family. Even if he's cheating or hiding something there are better stories to tell than a family member being critically injured. He's probably thinking how life is so fragile and how little control we have over our fate. Here is a website that explains in detail how men react in crisis, and what to do about it. The reason you are doubting him is because when you have problems women tend to share them and ask for support. His withdrawal seems to be a big contrast of how he is supposed to be in high spirits.
http://www.match.ca/magazine/article/9185/Is-Your-Guy-Having-A-Crisis/
He lost his mom so I would give him a few months to heal before nudging him about moving forward. You decide how long it's acceptable to be waiting for him. Just because you should be compassionate doesn't mean your needs have to be dropped, pushed aside indefinitely. A person who can't accept death and move on with life is too fragile to handle a serious relationship.
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