A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice on making friends. About 4 months ago I walked away from a long term relationship which had become abusive. I was engaged to my ex and we had a life together with a lot of mutual friends we had accumulated over the years. My ex had a mental health problem which she used to use to justify her behavior. A lot of our friends didn't understand the depth of her illness and how abusive and manipulative she could be - all without ever seeking help - and so when we broke up a lot (not all) of our friends saw me as abandoning her. She’d told them a lot of lies during the break up, so by the time they saw me, they’d already been lead to believe stuff that simply wasn't true. I got accused of cheating and of lying. None of that happened but people believed it because my ex was such a good liar. I have nothing to do with those people anymore. The people who were true friends believed me when I opened up, as well as a couple of best friends who knew the truth whilst it was going on. But the majority of people I know stuck the knife in good and proper. Im in a better place now and am living in a new area and have a new job. My parents live near by so I have family but I’m finding myself a bit friendless. My best friend lives at the other end of the country (where I grew up) so we don't see each other much. We chat daily but its not the same. I’m close to my sister and some family members but I miss having friends. As much as walking away from everything was liberating and in many ways empowering, I’ve lost an entire support network around me. I don't know how to go about making friends at this age - I’m 25. The friends I did know (who although I now realize weren't true friends) were people my ex and I had known for years. How do I go about meeting knew friends and starting friendships afresh? Help!
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (14 September 2014):
 One of the quickest ways Iknow of to make new friends is to join a church. You will suddenly have ten or more people wanting you to volunteer or help with this that or the other. It's constructive and non-intimidating and generally a wholsome atmosphere. new friends can be made almst anywhere there are roups of people that are eager o know more about and are nt just interested in what they can get from you. Malama Pono.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (14 September 2014):
One of the quickest ways Iknow of to make new friends is to join a church. You will suddenly have ten or more people wanting you to volunteer or help with this that or the other. It's constructive and non-intimidating and generally a wholsome atmosphere. new friends can be made almst anywhere there are roups of people that are eager o know more about and are nt just inteested in what they can get from you. Malama Pono.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2014): I've met many new friends through friends. I have both gay and straight friends. Young and old friends. Young-friends who seem like old-friends.
When I receive an invitation to a celebration, event, or party; should I happen upon a great conversation with the strangers I meet. I give them my number. If I don't hear from them, I will call out of the blue; and remind them how we met. I'll invite them out for coffee or tea. I guess I'm lucky, but I've never been turned-down. It doesn't mean we hit it off big time; but we had a great time, if but for one occasion. I end up on party-lists, because they remember. My calendar stays full. I like spreading myself thin, and trying to include a lot of things in my life to keep myself busy. Which includes being an agony uncle on DC. It keeps me abreast of how people think, and allows me to share myself with people. Expose my own imperfections, and gain more wisdom through the wonderful uncles and aunts who have so much to share. OP's who friend me and send me thanks and encouragement, or scold and chide me. Making me a better person and uncle.
I am one of those people who likes to involve myself in volunteering or helping out. I end-up meeting people who think along those lines. They tend to be opinionated, but
nonjudgmental; friendly and inclusive. I also belong to a church; so I participate when there is a social. Mingle among kindly people and families. I try to be approachable to people. It has gained me a lot of connections; and people can be so warm. Nosy, critical, and snobbish sometimes. I'm not perfect. I like people. All kinds.
I found that closing myself off denied me affection; and little comes from being a hermit.
Making friends requires that you be relaxed, open-minded; and that we should suppress/overcome our shyness. Always waiting for people to make the first move; or only offering friendship to "gay" people? That will limit your exposure and keep you in a closed and exclusive environment. Not all straight people are homophobic, or want to know your sexual-orientation. They like you for you. You get to choose your friends; so if you don't like them, you simply move on.
Friends shouldn't be based on sexual-preference or their ethnicity. Nor should everyone we approach only be a potential date. (Don't alleviate that possibility!!!)
I hate the term "people-person." If you're a person, you are amongst people. You have to be approachable and brave enough to step forward with an extended-hand and a smile. Not stand in a corner waiting for everyone to come to you. When they do, stand there like a deer in the head-lights and barely uttering a word; while someone tries to have friendly conversation. Friendly people make friends.
One thing that irks me more than anything with gay people in particular; is how we only make friends with people we find young and attractive. Older people are left to the sidelines and written-off; assuming they aren't hip to things younger people appreciate. Or they just aren't "cute" enough to give the time of day. Well, we all grow older; if we don't die young!
If you're lonely, and no one else is paying you any attention; beggars can't be choosers. Older people have a wealth of knowledge and wisdom. Many I know, including myself, can be quite savvy with technology. I brag that I have my own IT team. Of all ages! I carry my laptop and tablet everywhere; but I also know when to put them away!
Just avoid alkies, druggies, gossips, psychos, and jackasses. Learn to identify them immediately. You didn't heed previous warnings before, you had to learn the hard way. Don't make friends with people; because you feel sorry for them, or for yourself. Nothing good ever comes of that.
Keep abreast of local LGBT events and fundraisers. They draw the best crowds and do good for the community. Just open-up and smile. Extend a hand and introduce yourself.
Look beyond age, gender, sexual-orientation, and looks. Focus on character and personality. If you're friendly, people gravitate to you. It's effortless.
You're an adult now. You're allowed to speak to strangers. Just be careful where and how you meet them.
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