A
female
age
30-35,
*odieWee
writes:Hi, I'm a teenage lesbian. I thought I'd introduce myself but I can't state my name in here, for safety. I came out a year ago. I didn't want to, I wasn't ready but I was forced. My mother was scrolling through my Youtube channel and found me flirting with another female. I'd tell her how her smile overwhelms my tummy with butterflies, how her voice made my heart pound so hard I could hear the thump. I already knew I was interested in girl's, I only thought I was bisexual. So I internet dated this girl. As my mum was reading through my comments, I was on my own laptop trying to delete them because she was seriously flipping out. I knew I was busted. I had a choice then. She said I was to either tell her, how she was going to beat me up. I knew she wouldn't actually beat me up, but I was scared. I swear it was so hard to actually even admit I liked.. Well loved females. Ever since then, every two weeks or so she'd mention how disappointed she is in me.. How ashamed she is and that I didn't meet up to her expectations..At 15, I attempted and failed at internet dating. By this point, all of my friends had boyfriends and such.. They'd walk around holding hands, her feeling so safe and secure within his arms.. The feeling of security that I feared I'd never feel with a love interest. So as it went on, slowly inside each night a little piece of my heart would just.. Die I suppose. I'd cuddle my pillow tightly, dreaming of when I'd finally meet that one girl who'd turn my life around. I became depressed and very lonely. I then became insecure about my looks and my weight.. I thought it was my fault that no one wanted me. I thought everything was my fault. It was such a horrible experience.. I mean an auntie of mine asked me what I want out of my life. I replied that I only want to be loved. She gave me a funny look, and patted my back with a wee smile. I felt so lost inside at that point. I was practically pleading to be loved. That's all I wanted. Nothing more.A few months after I turned 16, I met a girl and she was quite nice. We were texting one-another for around a month. We'd flirt, stay up to 5am in the morning demanding that we'd hang up before the other. It was nice.. We finally met up and I swear she was hilarious. She made me smile so easily. She had this sarcastic manner about her but I loved it to pieces. So there was me.. All shy hiding behind my hands, peeking out at her. She really did like how shy I was and described it as 'cute'. The thing was, she would forever insult me. She would insult me, but having this loving look in her eyes at the same time. I suppose it was her sarcasm, but she'd insult everything. I was already very insecure but I embraced it and pushed it aside. I didn't want to mess this up.. My goal was to be the perfect girlfriend. It being my first lesbian encounter, I still had to put my arm around her. She took around 20 minutes to finally pull me into her embrace. I knew she liked me, because she was blushing forever every time our eyes met for those few seconds. I knew that we held a connection.. My very first kiss with a girl?We were walking through the park holding hands and this man walked by us. So she wound her arm around my waist, and tugged my body to her own, but gentle. This caused her to fall back, my hands coming to rest on her shoulders, somehow, and I don't know how it happened, my lips were against her own in an ever so gentle kiss. I swear I squeaked. (I squeak when I'm shy or excited.) A few minutes of kissing, touching, soft giggles.. I kinda wobbled when she let go of me. In that moment, I became a full lesbian. I knew what I wanted and what I liked. I wanted her and I loved her kisses.She finally asked me out.. We dated for 3 months in total. She lived a good few miles away from me, so every Saturday I'd travel through on the bus just to see her. I'd sit on that bus for hours and hours, just to get one hour in her arms, just to see her again. I met to her every request. I done everything she wished. Never did I disagree.. I couldn't.. I was so in love. She showed me something no one ever did. She taught me affection, passion, love. All of them stopped the night she wanted my virginity.. I was slightly scared.. But at the same time I didn't want her to think I didn't trust her. So we kissed, rolled around and such. At first, I pleasured her. I really didn't know it was possible the way she reacted. She loved it. But when it came to me, she didn't know what to do.. I had to teach her. She's had several girlfriends and have had sex with them. They've obviously faked they're moans which I do not do. How do you expect them to learn if you are not at least indicating them? Anyway.. She finally used her fingers inside of me. It hurt for a while, but then I didn't feel anything after it. I didn't feel anything at all. I know it's me. Because in all honesty everything about me is weird.. Heh. She felt really insecure that she couldn't pleasure me. It was just numb inside when she touched around.. After that, she didn't want to have sex with me any more. She totally denied me.. Lol. I mean do you guys know what is wrong with me? I feel pleasure in the clit area.. but nowhere else..A week or so after the whole sex thing, someone from my town added me to Msn. She flirted a lot and I knew she was a lesbian. We got very close and finally she wanted to meet up. She was around the same size as me. She had large breasts like me, but she was WAAAY more butch. She had this gorgeous smile and this cute little noise she'd make if she was shy. We met up a few times over the next couple of weeks. The very last week, it began to rain. She took off her jumper and wrapped it around me. She then settled her hand on my cheek, stroking it with her thumb, her eyes met my own in this unbelievable gentle, affectionate manner. She whispered how much she wanted to kiss me, her whispers barely being whispers.. But she was close enough for me to pick them up. She leaned in and rested her forehead against my own, the tips of our noses touching.. We were so close to a kiss. I stopped it.. I told her no and I was devoted to the girl I loved. I did have a mega crush on her, but I couldn't hurt my girlfriend the way she usually does me. I couldn't on purpose inflict that pain on them.. A couple of days down the line, my girlfriend dumped me.. She said it wasn't working out and it was nothing to do with me. She didn't feel good enough for me and I was too perfect.. She didn't like the fact that I never made a wrong move, the way I sometimes told her how beautiful her smile was, how she made me feel. She didn't feel worthy of my love.. A friend then forwarded a text message from my girlfriend, to me. She was explaining how she had been cheating on me the past 2 month with a girl from her work. That honestly broke me.. I fainted when I read it. When I came to, I swear my body was almost shivering from the heartbreak that consumed me. She said that she got over me by getting under another.. That she could pleasure that other girl but I was useless.. I knew she felt bad for cheating on me and that's why she dumped me. She was my first kiss, my first love.. My first everything.Two days after that, I was forced into a relationship with the girl I had been meeting up with the past few weeks. We dated for a month, and on the forth week, she begged me to sleep with her.. So we did.. And she couldn't pleasure me either.. So I was speaking to her on MSN the day after. She told me how she was going to meet her ex-girlfriend and how nothing would happen.. I said to her exactly like this, "Please don't kiss her.. " She then said that she didn't think that this relationship was going to work out.. She got back together with her ex the day after. It may have been a month, but I trusted her to put back together the pieces of my shattered heart.. She only destroyed the few remains I have left..So here I am.. Sitting in this bed yet again.. Only this time I want someone to listen to what I'm saying, to understand how I feel.. And maybe just to hold me and tell me that it won't always be like this.. Everyday will not be another fight to hide the hurt from friends and family..I'm scared to love again. I'm terrified to put my trust in another.. It's been a few months now and I'm just so lonely. I don't know what to do. Could you please give some advice? I'd really appreciate it.Thank you all for helping.- Jodie.
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breasts, crush, depressed, ex girlfriend, flirt, got back together, heartbroken, her ex, insecure, kissing, lesbian, msn, shy, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, JodieWee +, writes (21 April 2010):
JodieWee is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for replying! It's put a wee smile on my face. I know it's very descriptive, I just get like that when I'm writing about something I care about. I actually write a lot of poetry and I'm a very passionate writer.. Heh. I thought it might have been too much for people to reply in. It's nice to allow others to understand how you are feeling and what you've went through if you are expecting them to comment on it though, right?
I know I was very young when I started to become so loved obsessed. I've always been like that. Hence my poetry. Teehee. I usually think of what others have with the cuddling, laughing with one-another, etc..
Do you think I might have been a little over the top? Because this one time with my first girlfriend we were cuddling on the sofa. It was so quiet, so I rested my head on her chest ever so gently, and whispered "I can hear your heartbeat.. Hehe." She found that adorable, but maybe I should stop things like that? I can't help it. Rawr it sucks to be me.
There thousands of women who can relate to me, I know. I'm actually quite glad that I'm not the only one. I just wish I could have had a better start into the gay community rather than being cheated on.
I love your positive answers. They are all so nice. And I'll start thinking like that, I promise.
The latest comment said that the sexist thing about a girl is her confidence.. But too much confidence can draw people away. You know, as if you can't approach them. I honestly smile at every passing person. So in that way, I'm very polite and social.
Now.. About my mother. I was her first daughter. I have the jet black hair, big brown eyes, tanned skin, etc. She is forever telling me I'm a good girl going to waste. She doesn't understand how I feel about girl's. She had me at 18, and I want to have a child when I'm older and have a house and such. I'd say going on aged 30 or so.. Making sure the child is in a safe environment, yes? If I tell her that, she'd simply hiss at me about how much of a disappointment I turned out to be. Now she treats my younger sister with so much respect she can't take it any more. She says I messed up the first kid, this is my second chance.. When she said that, it hurt me bad. My father, he commented on how I was conceived out of hatred. Then I have the rest of my family telling me I'm too pretty to be a lesbian.. That's idiotic, right? There are plenty of stunning women out there who love the same sex.
And yes, life does get better as it goes on. I'm trying to think positive.. For example when I'm older and have a job, a car, etc. I know life will get better. It's just that I'm struggling with each passing minute, reaching out for just a breath of happiness.
I'm not sure how long I should wait before I try dating again.. I'm thinking I should go for someone older, because I am a very mature girl. I'm just not sure.
Thank you for your answers. Please do reply to me again. I hope it's not getting annoying. Hehe. But updates are always delightful to receive, yes? Arigato~.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): wow, thats quite a story. very descriptive...you might want to consider becoming a writer or something!!
anyway sweetheart, listen, i have been through every single emotion you have just described here except I am 21 and still in the closet. ive had a secret relationship with a girl and am now being messed around by another.
The thing is, this stuff happens whether your with a male or female so i dont want you to think its just happening because your a lesbian. relationships are tough whether they are gay relationships or straight ones. Congratulations on finding out who you are at such young age. its a shame you were forced to come out of the closet...i still dont feel ready to admit who i am so im sad to hear that you were forced into it this way.
Parents often have very high expectations for their children as soon as they are born. They immediately imagine them growing up, getting a great education, fantastic career and then getting married and having their own family. Its sad but that is what society still dictates today as normal. Your mum was probably just surprised and shocked. YOu need to talk to her about it. Make her understand that this is difficult for you and you need her support. SHe needs to respect you and love you for who you are-an intelligent, caring, wonderful girl. Your not any less of a person just because you are attracted to girls.
you need to stop thinking that you are unattractive and that nobody wants you. The sexiest thing about girls is their self confidence. YOu need to love yourself before anyone else can love you back. you are clearly a very intelligent person, you need to understand that. Girls who are worth giving your heart to are those that will love you for your personality first and foremost. The relationship i had with my ex started off as friends and i wasnt attracted to her in the slightest. but as our friendship grew and we became closer, her inner beauty made her very attractive to me and i adored her.
The difficulty with dating girls at your age is this is the age when girls experiment, they try to find out who they are attracted to and what turns them on and a lot of girls who try relationships with other girls turn out not to be lesbians after all. My ex and i were together for 7 months...now she is dating a guy!!
i think you need to focus on having fun and experimenting with girls and trying not to focus too much on long term relationships. That was my problem. i fell in love with my ex right from the start-i wanted to marry her and be with her forever. this happens in straight relationships too. you fall in love, you get your heart broken and it takes a long time to mend but persevere and you will be strong again
i know what it feels like to want someone, need someone! im like that right now. i live alone, im in love with a girl who cant decide if she wants me or not and i go to sleep almost every night in tears because im so lonely. then, when you meet someone who shows you love and attention you get involved too quick and it pushes them away and you end up heartbroken again!! its a really rocky road babe and there is nothing that i can say to make it any easier except that ive been through the same!!
when it comes to being pleasured by a girl you have to understand that a lot of girls do not get orgasms from vaginal stimulation alone. The clitoris is the most incredibly sensitive part of a girl and most girls will need stimulation there in order to achieve orgasm. An important part of sex is foreplay. This gets both people really excited, gets the body ready for being pleasured and adds to the intimacy of the whole thing. kissing all over the body, touching...it all helps. i personally do not achieve orgasm or find any pleasure at all from having a girls fingers inside me. its all about the clitoris for me. so pleeeeeease dont feel that there is anything wrong with you. ONce you are in a relationship with a girl that you care about deeply you will be able to relax during sex and tell each other what pleasures you most. dont worry yourself hun, please.
WHat you need to do is find someone to talk to...this could be your mum, a friend, a counsellor or even just us on this website. YOu cannot keep this all to yourself, sharing will help things and you will realise that you are not alone. YOu need to focus on getting over your ex before even considering getting with anyone else. ANd you need to learn to love yourself. stay strong, you can get through this!!
im sorry my response is so long, i just wrote what i was thinking. i hope you find some of it useful. if you need to talk any more then please write again. your not alone babe. xxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2010): Awh sweetheart,i know EXACTLY where your coming from.it kills like your not worthy of anythinglike everything is your fault.it aint,it gets better.we're young. and things change daily.the next day will be different,maybe not better but different.but what comes is better then whats been.you'll hurt but you'll be okay.about your mum, she'll understand one day. or she wont.i'm sorry that you have to go through that. you've only got a few years left,focus on your school life darling.all thee best, your beautiful just the way you are :) xxx
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