A
female
age
41-50,
*irliedrummer
writes:I am having a friends with benefits relationship with a man. Before we started sleeping together, I knew he had been burned in relationships before and didn't believe in commitments.... that he only "hangs out" with girls. I got out of a relationship a few months ago and was totally fine with just "hanging out." I've had a friends with benefits situation before and it was fine. I didn't get attached and was able to keep it casual.So anyway, when I started sleeping with this individual, I was fine with a friends with benefits situation, but now that it we have been having sex for a while (and hanging out as friends) I have been thinking about having an actual relationship. I just don't know if it's something that's even feasible considering how commitment-phobic he is. There are things he says that he never does, like cuddling, which he wants to do with me. And when I try to leave at the end of the night (he doesn't like sleepovers and I am not a staying over type either), he keeps trying to get me to stay longer to just cuddle and be together. He also always tries to pay for food and drinks even though I say I am perfectly willing to split the bill and that we are not on a date so why would he pay. He also brings up a lot about how he used to be a sweet, romantic, commitment-oriented guy, but he's been burnt so badly that it's made him commitment phobic. He also sends me random texts all day long, completely unprompted.Is it possible that he might want more or am I just wasting my time?
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (26 April 2011):
 Guys are only very rarely willing to change a FWB situation into a relationship - generally, that situation completely tanks a man's view of that girl as relationship material.
I think this sounds like the beginning of an exception, though, and it sounds like you want it, too. If he wants it, he won't be seeing other girls at the same time; if he is, he doesn't want a relationship, just a little extra intimacy with the sex.
If he is only seeing you, and you want to pursue this, you have to nurture it carefully. You can't push him too hard, and you can't ever use the word "commitment-phobic." Don't treat it as some irrational fear, treat it as a normal and natural decision to be careful who he commits too (which is a more accurate view anyway). Even if he uses the phrase himself.
Let him make these boyfriend gestures, and start making girlfriend gestures, too. Bake him some muffins and bring them over to his place, unprompted. Go out for a few drinks and some dancing before heading back to his place. Stay over at his place and go to breakfast (or fix it yourself). Give him a shoulder rub during a situation when sex is unlikely to be an option for at least another few hours. That sort of thing.
Do it slowly at first, for two reasons. The obvious one is to avoid scaring him off. The other one is to give you the time you need to see if he actually wants you, or if he just wants any available source of intimacy and emotional validation. Take as much time as you need to be sure. Otherwise, you'd be putting yourself in a position to get hurt.
Let things grow naturally for a while longer. Wait until these behaviors just seem like a normal part of the deal with you two. Once you've built up enough mutual comfort, you can ask him if you're "official" yet (or whatever term you want to use).
Now, normally I'd say acting out girlfriend behaviors with a FWB is a good way to get hurt, but as I said, I think you have an exception on your hands. Just be mindful that he is actually getting attached to *you*, and not just seeking any source of intimacy. You'll have to use your own judgment for that.
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