A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 35 year old woman with 2 younger children. I met a man who is 29. He has never been married and has no children. I think he is interested in taking it a step further and wants children. He also says that he loves kids (maybe insinuating he would love mine. He beams when we speak about my own kids). But I don't see myself having more children. Could this ever work out? The age difference, the different stages in life that we're both in, plus just discovered we are from different religious backgrounds seem all too tricky...but I am a little infatuated with being with him. I know that a six year age difference is not much when the man is older, but it seems strange that I am attracted to man younger than myself. I have always liked older men. I can easily pass for someone who is 30 or 32 years old, but I fear that starting something that might end up going nowhere is not the best idea, and that it might be best to not proceed at all. I am also curious to see what the men think here?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): Also be careful that he is not interested in your children for bad reasons....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): Wanting to have kids is not something you take casually; and you don't allow someone to "assume" you're on the same page about it.
You don't sweep it under the rug; hoping a romantic-connection will be made, and it won't come-up again.
What a guy his age says now can change drastically just a few months to a year from now. You have to take external influences into account. He may not want to miss out on coddling his own baby, and passing on his DNA. Don't forget, he has parents who want to be grandparents! They will somehow make their opinions about that known. You know how parents rudely question when you're getting married, and when will they see grandchildren? Old-school parents are not very diplomatic about their conservative opinions regarding family-values. His parents would be approximately in their fifties, and not that far-off from your age.
This should be seriously discussed; and you should not agree to having more children just to get the man. That is deceptive, and there are already some factors working against you lowering the chances of this leading to a successful relationship.
Liking your kids is not the same as wanting his own. Age doesn't matter; but it does when there are children involved. If the children you have are nearing their tweens and teens; he will not get to experience fatherhood from infancy to their age-group. When your partner is more than five years younger, and may want to be a father; that may not be negotiable. He most likely wants to be a biological father to experience all the stages of pregnancy, birth, and all the "firsts" associated with parenting. Don't trust him if he claims he can bypass all that. He could change his mind at the most inopportune time in the relationship.
This isn't an issue about age-differences; it is about parenting from different perspectives. Then when another five years has past; you have changed, but he hasn't that much. Will you be able to deal with that?
We're way ahead of things here to begin with. This is only food for thought. Will your kids listen to a very young step-dad; when their biological father is closer to your age? Your kids would be between 4 and 14? There is no way you can remarry; and not expect the man becoming your spouse not to become a very integral and important part of your children's lives and their upbringing. The adjustment isn't only yours to make, but theirs and his as well.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 February 2015):
 I'd ask him if he wants to have children, a) with anyone and/or b) with you. You seem to be making a lot of assumptions based on his "beaming."
"I think he is interested in taking it a step further and wants children. He also says that he loves kids (maybe insinuating he would love mine. He beams when we speak about my own kids)."
Ask him.
"Are you interested in taking it a step further?"
Tell him.
"I don't see myself having any more children."
You are in your 30s. You've had children and relationships.
Now is the time to speak your mind, speak your truth! What are you waiting for? Be the grown up
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (9 February 2015):
These are things which I think can sort itself out over time and it only sounds like the beginnings of a relationship. In your quest for finding a suitable partner it is only fair for you to have an open mind as I am sure you expect the same. If you are completely against the idea due to all the differences then I think it would be best to shift gears immediately.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 February 2015):
 The wanting kids will be a deal breaker. It was for every younger man I was ever with but the current husband. He never wanted kids. I had my kids a long time ago and was long done with babies so it worked out well.
I once had a guy say to me "if only you could have kids I would stay but I want my own children"
I could not have any more. YOU may change your mind after getting to know him. You may not.
If you can't have any more then you should let him know. If you are only pretty sure you don't want any more then It's really up to you to risk it.
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