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*mzie
writes:What are peoples opinions on situationships and boundaries within them?I've been seeing a guy for 4 months. I'm 33 and he's 39. We spend every other day together. We cook together, go on long walks together, we are sexually intimate, we cuddle every night all night that we spend together. We do not have sex everytime we meet but we are very affectionate and fall asleep in each others arms. We had also booked a holiday together to Lisbon, Portugal. Due to go next week.I wanted to clarify what was going on with us and he really threw me when he said he saw me as just a really food friend. I was glad he was honest but felt disappointed and a little confused. I did like him in a romance sense.At this point I wanted to put in place some boundaries such as if he or I started to sleep with other people we'd let the other know out of respect so that the other person could decide of they wanted to continue or not. He agreed and said he wasn't speaking to or seeing anyone else as we had something going on which was sexual.Two days ago I have just found out and he has confirmed this that he has in fact been meeting up and sleeping with other women. I only found out because someone told me. When confronted he was very cold towards me and said the fact we were just friends means it's none of my business. He didn't have an answer for me about what we had agreed on about being honest and the fact he openly told me there was no one else at that point.I've cancelled him off the holiday and I'm going to Lisbon solo.Am I overeating or has my trust been violated? I feel he used me emotionally to fill a void as he knew if he told he'd been sleeping around I would have politely declined to see him again.Please be kind. I'm human. I'm hurt. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2022): RUN
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reader, Dionee'  +, writes (7 March 2022):
 Wow, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. He's obviously the one in the wrong here and no, you're not overreacting. The fact that there was an agreement to inform the other person of any changes means that he has, in fact, violated your trust.
The sad part is that he wanted to keep you around as substitute girlfriend without giving you an actual title or any form of commitment while also doing his own dirt on the side. That's what he aimed to do, for the long term it seems. He had no intention to ever be upfront and honest with you. His plan the entire time was to lead you on and string you along because he knew that he had your trust. You believed what he said because you had no reason not to. After all, you're not like him. What you say, you mean.
Cut him loose. Let him go. Move on. He isn't worth it.
I think that perhaps you need to do some soul searching. On some level, you think that you deserve to be someone's maybe. An option. Why don't you deserve more than that? Love and commitment? For someone to say that you're the only one and mean it. Prove it. That's what you deserve. You don't deserve to be kept on the sidelines for a warm bed and a good meal. He got all of the benefits of being in a relationship while having fun on the side too. You don't deserve someone like that. You can do better. You probably know that you do. Now start believing it.
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 March 2022):
 " I've cancelled him off the holiday and I'm going to Lisbon solo."
Good for you.
I think it's best to have a talk about "what are we?" like you did. But I also think you should have walked away the moment he called you a "good friend". You didn't want to be his friend. You wanted more. HE didn't. So end of story.
My advice? LEARN from this. KEEP sex and cuddles out of the equation until you BOTH are on the same page that you WANT to try a relationship with each other.
" I feel he used me emotionally to fill a void as he knew if he told he'd been sleeping around I would have politely declined to see him again."
Well, I don't blame you! And yeah, HE did use you. People don't have sex and cuddle with a FRIEND. Well, most people don't. He also LIED to you. First, he says he isn't seeing anyone else, and then when he got "caught" he tried to pull the wool over your eyes with an "it's none of your business as a friend". What a load of horse shit!
I'd cut all contact. block him and move on. With the next guy take your time.
The good thing about all this? You learned all this, 4 months in. You didn't waste your emotions, your time, and energy any further.
Sounds like he would have used you for companionship, sex, and general entertainment while also "dating" other women. What a loser! He probably thinks he is such a player. No wonder he was single at 39.
YOU, dear OP can do SO much better.
Enjoy your holiday! Lisbon is gorgeous! And the food fantastic!
Last bit of advice. Got get a full STI panel done. You have no idea just how many women he has been intimate with.
Better luck next time!
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reader, kenny +, writes (7 March 2022):
 No you are not over reacting, far from it. This is not someone that you want in your life, he is a liar and a cheat. He could have been upfront and honest with you about him going with other people but he chose to lie to you. This really is a huge red flag, and tells you what sort of person he really is.
It good that you found this out now, otherwise he would have kept seeing you for sex, and telling you that you are the only one.
You did the right thing by cancelling his off of the holiday, now you should delete and block him and get him out of your life altogether.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2022): No, sweetheart, you are by no means at all overreacting.
You've busted a player. He tells you what you want to hear, he treats you well, but he always leaves himself an exit clause. He's around as long as there's sex available; but he will not commit.
Don't feel used, just all the wiser! The sex was consensual; but you discovered something that you can count as a red-flag or a deal-breaker. Better now than later!!!
He left himself an opening, an old trick in the player's handbook; in the event he grew bored with the sex, or he found someone he considered a better choice. You've busted him; because angels are looking-out for you, girlfriend!
You enjoyed it while it lasted. You were not committed to each-other; and it would have been much worse, if it was a year down the road and you found all this out. When you were totally attached and invested.
Just shake it off, and move on. You busted the fool before he made a fool of you!
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