A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My sister bounded in at the weekend. She does not want to look after our mother and rarely visits. She knows I have taken leave from work to look after our mother after three strokes. I walk her to get her legs working again. I get up in the night if she calls me. My sister does not want to know.I might add that our mother is getting more frail and has lost a little confidence following the strokes. But she can still play bridge with her friends though not as quick as she used to be and they allow her longer to think up her bids. But this is a huge improvement on how she was three months ago after the strokes. But the vist by my sister was upsetting as my sister started ordering me about and telling me how things are going to be in future. I felt pushed around, it was like she always has been towards me. When our mother was present she was sickly sweet to our mother. But when our mother left the room she threatened me with sneering remarks that I was only there to get my hands on our mother's money. I never discuss money, but I am ok. Will never be able to do big things, but nor will I have nothing. Though I will never have as much as my sister. but money has never 'driven' me. And my sister quizzed our mother on where was her 'Will'. In the end I felt it was getting so invasive so I proposed afternoon tea.Should I intervene and be more active to try to stop these pushy visits or is it up to our mother if she wants to stand up to her daughter/my sister?
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 your sister is after your mothers money. bit of a creep, BUT if you bring it up with your mother she may not see it this way. the most important thing is that you stand up to her and tell her that if she is not there to help your mother then she doesn't have as much of a say in her wellbeing and how to look after her in future. dont tolerate her aggression, and dont fall into old sibling modes of behaviour. BE assertive and stand your ground.
its a difficult situation but you have to play it cool. she may want to turf your mum out and get her hands on her house. talk to your mother about what her plans are. if your sister is rarely there then get things sorted and have something that your mother can rely on as a framework to respond with if your sister comes back for more greedy questions. you have loads of time to discuss this with your mother- so do it without your sister being there.
sometimes in life we have nice children and sometimes we have selfish greedy ones that only see dollar signs. make sure your sister isn't able to get to much time alone with your mother to badger her into doing things. ALWAYS supervise any home visit.
good luck
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (3 May 2011):
your sister is after your mothers money. bit of a creep, BUT if you bring it up with your mother she may not see it this way. the most important thing is that you stand up to her and tell her that if she is not there to help your mother then she doesn't have as much of a say in her wellbeing and how to look after her in future. dont tolerate her aggression, and dont fall into old sibling modes of behaviour. BE assertive and stand your ground.
its a difficult situation but you have to play it cool. she may want to turf your mum out and get her hands on her house. talk to your mother about what her plans are. if your sister is rarely there then get things sorted and have something that your mother can rely on as a framework to respond with if your sister comes back for more greedy questions. you have loads of time to discuss this with your mother- so do it without your sister being there.
sometimes in life we have nice children and sometimes we have selfish greedy ones that only see dollar signs. make sure your sister isn't able to get to much time alone with your mother to badger her into doing things. ALWAYS supervise any visit.
good luck
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 It is up to your mother to take action to protect herself from any son or daughter trying to do the wrong thing. Does your mother live with you or do you live with your mother? I was not sure but it sounds like you are in your mother's home? Your sister does not sound nice but your mother may understand her two daughters better than you think.
But I do not think trying to stop your sister visiting is the answer. Perhaps call a family conference to see if the family can give you better support too?
The problem that will occur is if your mother ever has a stroke that takes away her ability to reason. Elder abuse is very common. I am not suggesting that you are doing that. But your sister sounds potentially abusive. What would happen if your mother had made no provision for who would make decisions in her best interests, if she lost her facuties. your sister may be feeling very caring towards your mother, but it does not sound like it.
Are there other siblings who could share the load of caring if things took a turn for the worse?
It is up to your mother to take these things into account. But you could check what resources are available to help elderly people to safeguard their lifestyle and their resources to lead their lifestyle.
Maybe your sister already thinks the worst of you. And thinks you are mis-using your mother's assets. I do not think it sounds as if you are.
So start documenting what you do and what you pay for out of your own money. Family usually offer to assist family for free. This is normal. But often family end up dipping into their own pockets to pay for things the person really needs. Keep a record of these and scan the receipts when you get home. And start a written record of requests. Sounds horrible, but you do not want bad blood rising and your pushy sister accusing you of things you never did after your mother passes. Protect your reputation now.
But who knows if another sibling in the family might try to do this?
Your mother obviously trusts you. So don't abuse that trust by trying to get your mother to 'do' anything. But perhaps you might see something on TV about an elderly abused person (it happens often enough, and it is NOT OK)
And when you see that program it could become a talking point where you ask your mother, 'what could that woman have done to avoid that happening?'
I know the answer is a legal document called a "Power of Attorney' and an "Enduring Power of Guardian" in your country. An Attorney could help your mother and discuss these with your mother. There may even be Community resources that allow you to look at how to put these things in place.
The Enduring Power of Attorney is ONLY about financial decisions.
The Enduring Power of Guardian is ONLY about lifestyle decisions.
You mother needs both, but she needs to feel this is so. It is still her decision.
Note both these protections put in place only operate when the person is alive. And come into use when a person is unable to manage their own affairs, either due to loss of awareness of what is happening or due to physical impairment so great that they cannot attend to these things. The two documents above are probably more important ways to protect an elderly person from financial abuse than a Will. Though a Will is also still needed.
But your mother's Attorney should also discuss her Will. No family member should be present when this is discussed. No family member should intervence and no one should seek to influence your mother. Her Attorney should ensure that happens.
An Enduring Power of Attorney Does not allow the Attorney to start distributing the assets of your mother while she is alive. And misuse of financial assets by an Attorney is a serious crime. So the Attorney needs to spell out what is and what is not possible. Your mother chooses who will be her Power of Attorney. But an Enduring Power of Attorney Does not authorise the Attorney to make Lifestyle decisions for the person whose financial affairs they are managing.
Whereas an Enduring Power of Guardian is about Lifestyle decisons. And it only operates when the elderly person is no longer capable of rational deceaions. But the person fulfilling this role can only advise the Attorney on what expenditure is required. But does not make the financial decisions.
So the Enduring Power of Guardian must be someone very close to the elderly person and very caring. They make decisons on when the person will see the doctor, which doctor. When to call the ambulance. When they need new clothing. When they need some money for flowers to brighten up their room. What is suggested must be in line with how the person lived before they lost their faculties. So if you were appointed the Enduring Power of Guardian then you can advise the Power of Attorney. Thus if your mother had her hair done once a month then you would advise the Attorney that this money should be set aside monthly for the hair appointment. If your mother said never serve me brains on toast and your mother ended up in hospital you would be legally authorised to speak for your mother and say. 'No, mother will not like brains on toast'
Ultimately your mothert's dignity and her lifestyle must be protected. And the consequences of not doing this can result in elderly people being turned out of their own homes and made penniless by their own children. This is disgusting behavior but it does happen.
If your mother can recognise this and understand the importance of doing this then she may need to put in place additional protections to ensure that no one takes advantage of her in the future.
And join a Carers group to give you better support. Your sister sounds very mean spirited
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (3 May 2011):
 Family can be 'fun' hey! Good on you for looking after your mother, you should be very proud of yourself, it is a huge role to play. My mother is being cared for by one of my sisters, and I tell my sister, as often as possible, what a fantastic job she is doing. And how grateful the rest of us are, that she has taken on this role. My sister is getting a carer's pension, and I think she deserves every cent. Are you entitled to any such payments? How sad for you, that your sister is not supporting you at a time when family should be there for each other. If it were me, I probably wouldn't intervene, unless your mother gets upset or distressed by your sisters behaviour. Though if your sister is only showing her true self behind your mother's back, your mother will be spared. As for the 'will', don't get involved in conversations with your sister about it. You are looking after your mother for love, not money, you know that, and I'm sure your mother knows that. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Though I think you're wonderful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): I think it depends on your mothers conditions... If she's not able to decide mentally what to do you should step up!In that case say to your sister that money don't drive you and she's thinking it all wrong... Fight back!But as it seams by your words... your mother is ok and livin'... maybe you can ask the doctors what are her perspectives... And if she's ok... You should talk to her first...In that case explain the situation and ask her what is her opinion about it... If she steps up go along! (After all she is the one that could really decide that)Hope for the best ;)Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): I am so sorry about your situation. Your sister sounds so evil! Have you confronted her? How does your mother feel about your sister? You should definitely set boundaries with your sister though, if she is to continue visiting, such as things you will refuse to discuss with her. If she often says things out of hand, perhaps record her and later play it back to her. It may or may not be useful later if things get complicated but it might shock her to hear herself as I'm sure some of those things she would not want others to hear. (It may also be more useful if this is a conversation where you call her out on her attitude and intentions.)
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