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*homms
writes: I thought i'd give this whole agony aunt thing a go as I like helping people, but to be honest I stumbled across this website while looking for advice to give my sister. Here's the situ:She's just 15, but looks older. About a month ago I walked in on her crying in her bedroom and asked her what was wrong. It turned out that her ex-bf'd of three months had, while they were still going out, manipulated her into sleeping with him. She's sworn me to secrecy but I don't know if that is the right thing for her. Should I go against her wishes and tell our parents or the police? She just will not be convinced.Even if she had consented to sex wouldn't it be statutory rape at fourteen? I am too mad to think sensibly that's why i'm asking for outside advice. Thanks. Thomms J.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2006): Try to help your sister see that the two of you discussing this with your parents together may be a viable option.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2006): Maybe tell her that you are concerned about her and maybe that if she is happy to, you will help her seek out some professional help - maybe some counselling or someone who she respects to talk to - maybe a trusted aunt or neighbour or family friend.You sound like a very caring brother and you obviously love your sister very much and hate to see her hurting.If you can get her to talk to someone like a counsellor or someone she really trusts i think that would be a good step. She is obviously very hurt and confused and some professional help would be a good step. I don't know where you are but in Australia we have the kids help line which is a good place to start - young people can call through with situations like this and receive information and support over the phone. She may want to speak to someone like this - its all confidential and she can remain annon.I don't think you should go to the police but I think that your parents should know. I understand this is a really tough move to make as your sister will be angry you went to them but I would try to persaude her to tell them.Also, if she was forced into anything and the sex was unprotected, she may need to consider her own health and I would suggest she speaks to someone at a health clinic - again, maybe you can help her set this up. Good luck and best wishes for your sister. I hope she is ok.Let us know what happens.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): It depends on your state and how old her then-boyfriend was. If it was statutory rape, your parents can press charges without your sister's consent.
This is a very delicate situation - her ex is definitely a sleaze, and he could be charged, but your sister would then need to submit to the further humiliation of having her name dragged through the mud before a court (rape shield laws or not, the experience of questioning is ALWAYS deeply humiliating and scarring).
Your decision, ultimately, should be based on whether you think this guy poses a threat to other girls as well, i.e. if you have a responsibility to the rest of the town where you live to turn him in and prevent it from happening again. What do you mean by coercion? If he is blackmaling underaged girls to sleep with them, or say, plying them with liquor then you definitely owe it to the town to pursue action. If his manipulations are less brazen, it's harder to say.
Let me be clear: no one ever deserves to be taken advantage of in that way, but you can't press charges against someone for being a slimeball. In a case like this, where it sounds like her boyfriend was merely a sleaze, I would recommend informing your parents so that you can all help her through this. You should only involve the police if this man is a real predator, because the court battle will be long and incredibly difficult.
The most natural reaction in a case like this is shame. Your sister fears a harsh reaction from your parents - she can't picture them rushing to her side to buoy her up when she feels so at fault. I think you can tell your parents about this, because this may eventually come out in other ways, which will leave them wondering anyway.
Its always horrible when these things happen, good for you for being there when your sister needed you.
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