A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I started seeing a lovely man 6 weeks ago. I have a 9yr old daughter who lives with me and he has a 6yr old son who stays with him 9 days out of 14. My ex only sees my daughter every other weekend but I have had her 2 weekends in a row. My new man and I have spent 2 weekends child free together which is lovely as we are just getting to know each other. ( I have fallen a little bit in love and he says he is falling for me too)I lost my job a while back and get no help financially from my ex and finding things a struggle whereas my new man runs his own business has his own home and drives flash cars. He brings me wine and chocs and never comes empty handed and brings my daughter things too. He spoils her which is why....I am so upset as yesterday she kicked off and showed me up in town when we went to the mall. Made out I was hitting her would not come out of the toy shop so I slowly walked out she screamed to a woman that I had left her...this behaviour went on all through the night til eleven pm and I lost it with her..my new man did not like this side of me but I just lost it and shouted getting stressy. He said it is not her fault it is because he is new on the scene and not to punish her. He wont stay the night when the children are with us so drove home late last night. I am really worried that he will be put off by my behaviour but he said he was fine with it but I should not swear and shout.My daughter has become uncontrollable and makes out that I hit her all the time screaming if she misbehaves and I get up to send her to her room. I don't know what the neighbours must think of me hearing her scream 'dont hit me!!!' I am so embarrassed by my daughter as my bf had taken her to the toy shop and got her chocs and icecreams and spoilt her yesterday but she was in our face and showing off spoiling what was meant to be a weekend where there was just me and my bf. We did not leave her out she got everything she wanted and more! Today she is playing up and I cannot cope with her...her dad tells me to ignore her behaviour as she acts like it with him...ok for him he hardly sees her! I feel like my head is about to explode it hurts so much with tension. I have no family and there is just myself and my daughter so I would like to have someone in my life (my daughter has family with her dad) and have found a wonderful man who stops the lonliness.I'm feeling a wee bit sorry for myself today and she has yet again been sent to her room for demanding every second of my time (I am online looking for work) she screamed in my face as though I were going to hit her!!! Does anyone have any advice on how to play this...I told my bf to run but he said he wants to work it out and he understands that she is used to having me to herself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBack with a another headache lol
My ex had my daughter for the weekend and I stayed at my new man's house (it was his weekend to have his son but all went well and I slept in the spare room so as not to upset his son..taking things slowly...)
My ex brought my daughter home and when I asked if he was going back to routine as in having daughter next weekend then every other - he got aggressive and told me he is not having her until half term which will be 3 days in the week meaning I will have daughter for the next 2 weekends with no time alone with my new man at all...my ex was verbally abusive in front of my daughter saying it was all my fault for the situation (I left him years ago and he lives with someone!) he said just because I have a boyfriend I am not happy with having her every weekend. yes maybe he is right but then if I were single I would not be happy as he should have her at weekends regular - I have her every weekday he never ever has her in the week. She is not a tool to be passed around he said..but she has a mum AND a dad! I cannot cope with her behaviour and need some stressless days in my life and get to know someone to have a relationship not being in mum mode every time he comes around and he may get fed up if there is never a child free weekend between us...I have never in all these years had this problem with my ex... Now, he wont tell me which days he is having her for half term and text to say I will be responsible for my daughter losing her dad and called me a bitch!
Daughter said it is not daddy's fault, he has to work to get money but then he says he cannot afford to pay me regular money to keep our daughter? He was crying on the phone to her on his way home last night and upset her. He is telling her it is mummy's fault we cannot be together and he is sad that he cannot see more of her. No wonder she is playing me up with him telling her those things!
I feel a little guilty for complaining about having my daughter 24/7 after all..I chose to have her and she has been my whole life for 9 years-I do not want her feeling I do not want her around but I am doing it on my own with no family and no support and it is cracking me up...
ouch headache getting worse....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPhoned the school but the particular teacher is not available for a while..off with stress!!! lol
My daughter has been telling lies and running around the estate not telling me where she is going or been. Last night she told me she was with a friend up the road...2 hours later the friends mum knocked to see if the girls were here...then when she did turn up..she told me she had been to the particular friends house!!! lies! I got up this morning and she had left the side gate unbolted and the bikes have now been stolen!! she was adamant that she had bolted the gate when she obviously had not..the gate was wide open! and she had opened a huge bag of chocolates and lied that it was I who had opened and eaten them....all so petty but making me in a rage and not a nice environment to be brought up in...thinking am going to crack very soon!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 October 2010):
Your daughter is in need of counselling. She is dreadfully unhappy and insecure right now, no doubt due to lack of father attention as such (telling you to ignore her behaviour shows how little he seems to think of the situation). It sounds as if you two need to do some serious bonding with a third party just there to get your daughter to open up. I think she misses her Dad and is used to having you to herself, so now she feels pushed out.
Thankfully, your new boyfriend understands this, given he has a son with another woman and may well have gone through all this before. So you can afford to listen to what he has to say, and you can afford to trust him.
But I think you and your daughter just need to sit down with each other with someone else there and talk. And you need to listen. There will be a lot more tears and shouting, but that's because your daughter has no idea how else to communicate other than scream. A counsellor can help with that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat a lovely reply - thanks that cheered me up a bit...sun has come out and lifted my spirits.
My ex husband and I split 8 years ago and he has lived with someone for 6yrs - apparantly my daughter hates her stepmum there is no love lost and she behaves badly and makes up stories about her stepmum. I have learnt to tell the difference between my daughter's fact and fiction.
I have a son who is nearly 18 and has left me to go and live in London with someone of the same sex...that broke my heart but am dealing with it...as the age gap was so big, he never had anything to do with my daughter so it has been like bringing up 2 only children if that makes sense. I used to shout at my son and lose it when he acted up and do not want to go through this all again. I want my daughter to have a happy childhood and am trying my best.
I have just looked at a supernanny site and found tips there helpful. I just explained to my daughter to make a special box to put notes in expressing her feelings with words or pictures.
There is a special teacher at her school that I have had to see before about her behaviour - she had told her teacher that my son tried to kill her all the time and made up horrific stories painting a bad picture of family life with was so untrue. Her teacher after spending time with her got the truth out of her and does not see her anymore. I am going to make an appointment to speak with her tomorrow.
I think she would do well in drama school my daughter lol - she can burst into tears and in the next breath talk normally. I have to laugh or I will burst into tears today.
Thanks again x
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (3 October 2010):
 sounds like you could do with super nanny. Your daughter is acting out because she is unhappy. First of all your husband has gone, now you have a new man who is taking up your valuable time. Your daughter is jealous. One way to deal with this is to find time out, like a certain day a week call it 'girly day', a day just for you and her to bond. Do something special. Even if its just putting nail polish on, or painting, going to the park, anything as long as she feels special, getting your whole attention. Your husband is right, you should ignore the tantrums. IGNORE is a big word, and it's also hard to do when someone is shouting at you. You will fan the flames of her temper when you shout back. No matter what you say to her, keep it low and calm. It's very difficult to argue with someone who won't argue back. You are in a cycle of upset with her. But at the base of it all you have one very very unhappy daughter there. Try not to give her treats unless y ou have had a good day as well. Behaviour charts can also work for a short time. There is people out there who can help with behavioural problems as well, you need to be able to access support. Be aware when your boyfriend is around not to shower him with too much attention whilst your daughter is looking on. Hope this helps.
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