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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: hi all i have made a real mess of things so far, I have been in a relationship for 11 years and it was really bad he was very controlling and had no interest in the relationship. i have been told it was mentally abusive it feels like it was, but im doubting that it was him. i cant go into all what happend but now he said he has changed and loves me and wants me to put him first we have been living apart for 3 yrs and i have really struggled to be a single parent to our daughter and deal with emotional problems like having no confidence, feeling embaressed whenever i talk because i think after that i sound spineless or nasty or thick. i am very scared of people, i crave freedom and find it difficult to even be at work i am in debt and no matter how much i work it makes no difference, but he wont help untill he moves back in.i love him but hate him im frusterated because i want to feel something and sometimes i do but the next day i dont im scared to walk away in case its the wrong decision but its not fair on him when im changing my mind so often. i need opinions and advice pls, thank u
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): When i was much younger i used to live with my mother on our own, my mum sufferd very much with depression she found it hard to get up for work, go out to the shop or talk to people. Every morning i would have to get her out of bed to get ready for normal life, at the time we only lived in a one bedroomed house and my mum fealt very lonley.
She, regretably went on the internet and met a new fella who she was then with for 4 years- i hated him and he made her feel low; therfore i was low. He was controlling and could make my mum beleive whatever he wanted her too, if she told him get out he would come back! Tell her that he loved her but really he was the devil and no women deserves this, i repeat NO-ONE!
i am still hurting now and if i could meet him who ruined my mothers mind and thoughts who controlled her every move, my feelings of this man is only pitty and hate.
As i got older i understood how she was feeling inside, but at the age that i was then- i grew up to hate my mother, and we have only recently got back in contact this year and are building are mother and daughter relationship back up. I love her dearly but if it wasnt for the past we would have never been in the situation.
The past sometimes was physical but mainly blackmailing and emotional feelings that can stay with you for the rest of your life. i had counceling and so has my mum. My mother is now engaged and he is lovely! but if he makes you feel confused then he's a no go!
You will have to build up your confidence, go out with friends or your daughter even , to a restaurant, bowling or the cinemas. talk to people more have more girly nights with hot chocolate and films, even me and my mum do that.
And dont forget to always smile! :-D it good for you xx
A
female
reader, klz  +, writes (8 May 2009):
 Hi there.. i really understand where your coming from. I was in a relationship for 12 years with my childrens father. i have 2 children and the life that we had was very bad...physical and mental abuse. im not going to lie.. it was hard, but let me assure you it does get easier. i too find it hard to talk to people, because im worried that i sound stupid. this is because they belittle us so much.. having a man take control of your life is like being there pet dog (if you get what i mean). i strongly advise you not to take him back. stand up tall and show him that you DONT need him. you will feel so much better. put a smile on your face and show him that life goes on for you and your daughter. its important that you also think about your daughter and what this has been putting her through. i can tell you my children are 14 and 15 now .. they find it hard to make friends as they havent regained there confidence completely cus of what there father put us through.if your not happy, then your daughter wont be happy. get out and meet people and maybe one day you will meet that special man that you DESERVE. why dont you try getting yourself on a coarse at college, as this is an ideal place to meet new friend and to rebuild your confidence.as they say a leopard never changes his spots, so dont fall into that trap. because it will soon go back to how it was and you and your daughter deserve better. i wish you all the luck chick and dont forget ...keep your head up high and smile :) cus your better than him xXx all the best
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (8 May 2009):
 Well firstly, if you were my mum I would prefer to have nothing in the way of the best clothes and toys etc if it meant that you were out of the way of a cruel man! If you don't respect yourself enough to stay away from him then do it for your child/ren! They need their mother to be a mother and protect them! I can't tell by the way you have worded this question that you are a very interlectual lady and all you need is to get your confidence back. You could attend confidence classes if you have the time, go and see a doctor! I know debt can put a strain on people so have you worked out a budget and cut backs? If you have then brilliant! Your money worries can be sorted out, slowly but surely! Please don't sacrifice your sanity for the sake of paying of debt a few years early, its not worth it at all! Be a strong person! Behind the emotionally battered you there is a strong, inspirational mother!! Do what is right and don't give him the time of day, men like that are monsters! X
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