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anonymous
writes: A few months ago my boyfriend and I were in a fairly serious relationship and we mutually loved each other. Being only 20 yrs old, I foolishly kissed someone else whilst on holiday with my friends. I completely regret my actions but my boyfriend would not forgive me and we separated. I am still feeling the trauma of the breakup. We hardly ever argued whilst together but since we split there have been many ups and downs. My boyfriend slept with several women then told me he did it to hurt me, but when he came and told me that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me I forgave him. A few days later he broke up with me again. A couple of months later he brought me back into his life. Things have been casual but what should have been friendship became more like a relationship where he benefited from my friendship, support, affection and we were also sexually involved. He has started seeing someone else and does not consider his actions to be unjust. He has completely devastated me, it is almost as if he has undergone a personality transplant. He just doesn't seem to be the same person. I know that I completely hurt him by my actions but the way he has treated me has been very cruel. I feel like a fool for taking him back into my life. I don't know why I have written this as it seems to me that the best advice is to completly block him out my life; but it's easier said than done when we were always so happy and our time together recently still confirms that. I've made all the excuses in the book to explain his behaviour but maybe I just need to be told in writing to move on?!
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (23 March 2005):
 It's one thing - and completely understandable - that your b/f was hurt and angered by your kissing someone else, but it's something else again, his going off the "deep end" and punishing you over and over. And over.And over.He's not behaving rationally about this and the punishment he's insisting on meting out to you doesn't fit the crime. You write that you kissed someone in a moment of poor judgement whilst on holidays, but his response is to tell you he slept with several women, "to hurt [you]".Hello? Balance?That's not the response of a logical, clear-thinking adult.He obviously feels that he can't trust you after that one kiss, and if you continue to let him back into your life, you can be pretty sure that he's going to throw this incident back into your face every time you have an argument, for the next several years. Or forever. Who can tell?It's taken on a life of its own now, and he apparently doesn't see himself as even the slightest bit guilty of overkill in his response to your admittedly bad judgement.His insecurity about this issue (you: bad kissing/ him: irrational reaction) is going to remain a big, smoking crater in your relationship. I can see you tippy-toeing around it for years to come, apologising for even insignificant matters, because he's so free of guilt and you, with your tarnished reputation, are so contaminated. Only you can decide if his good qualities are worth that trouble.If it were me, I'd give him another chance, but on more equitable terms. I'd be pointing out that what I did was wrong, but more stupid than intentionally hurtful. I'd apologise, sincerely, one last time and ask that we not mention the subject again.If he can't do that, if he really can't forgive you, then trying to have a serious relationship with him is going to have you in tears, because he'll be forever imagining you with other guys and getting more panicky and punishing with the passing years. This guy has showed his true colours to you, when you made what was clearly a lapse in judgement. If you've apologised and asked him to forgive you... and he won't, you're setting yourself up for hurt to try to stay together.Hope this helps.
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