| A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Recently the relationship im in took a turning point were we gave each other engagement rings as the relationship has been a very happy one and i thought we understood each other.Since then i have had all my negative points brought up,The fact that i smoke,im too outspoken at times,im not p.c enough,and each time when i confront it all i get is im only joking!!!!I cant help but have these things playing on my mind and i havent changed ive been like this all along so why am i having this chucked at me now.I have been very loving in the relationship and i always consider my partner when i smoke as i dont do it around them.They constantly tell me they love me etc but why the critisism even though they claim they are joking.i just feel that since i put that ring on my finger things has changed and i feel as though im being judged now. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ask Heather +, writes (27 February 2007):
 As Dr Pete says, this must be talked through. I would set aside an evening, with no distractions like the TV on etc, and both sit down calmly to talk. He must understand that his "Joking" is hurting you. He loves you enough to be engaged to you, so now he must show that love by learning to be more considerate of your feelings. No relationship runs smoothly all the time, I`m sure this is just a hiccup. Be sure to let us know the wedding date! With Love, Heather.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2007): Your partner seems to have issues with conflict and negotiation.
Whilst it may be acceptable to have small annoyances a person who loves another does not mix criticism and love
- that is emotional abuse. These issues are real for your fiancee and if your relationship is going to work, you both need to address whatever problems they have and put them behind you.
I feel perhaps your partner has become too comfortable in your obviously very secure relationship. These things do sometimes happen. You need to give them a firm kick up the arse, you need to show where the boundaries are in what is, and what isn't, acceptable.
Some negative points can be tackled supportively, for example smoking. Others, though, are personality traits.
If someone has an issue with you being too outspoken, or not politically correct, then they have an issue with a core part of your personality. No wonder your partner does not want to address this.
Set those boundaries. Talk this through. Consider it the first test in your increasingly commited relationship.
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A
female
reader, nicola79  +, writes (27 February 2007):
 Well you need to tell your partner that you dont like how they are being towards you and just because you are engaged it doesnt mean they own you.
I here a lot of stories like this and do really feel for you. Just say "how would you like it if I turned on you like this?" I know you love this person but please dont let them walk all over you flower ok? xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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