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female
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anonymous
writes: How do you get over someone who says his feelings for you haven't changed (i.e., he's still more in love than he's ever been), but he can't date you anymore, for other reasons? Especially when you have to see him every day?It's been 7 weeks since we broke up, and I know I have to stop hoping we'll get back together, but it's really hard to do. We dated a year; I wanted to marry him. And in the 7 weeks we've been broken up, he's (1) wanted to get back together, (2) gotten really insanely jealous and mad when he heard I was walking arm in arm with another boy, even though it was no big deal and nothing happened, (3) told me he hates me and I'm ruining his life and never to speak to him again, (4) told me he's so, so, so sorry because he just doesn't even know what's happened to him - he can't believe he could be so hurtful, b/c he didn't know he had it in him - said it's like he doesn't even recognize the guy he's become lately, (5) begged me to be his friend b/c i'm the only person who really understands him and the only one he can talk to, and with everything that's been going on, he really needs someone to talk to, (6) alternated between going out of his way to constantly be around me, or else completely avoid me, to the point that I'm not even sure which I think would be better at this point.I'm so confused. He's said before that he knows he'll never meet anyone as good for him as I am. But then he went on Google to research psychiatric disorders and tried to diagnose me with something. (It freaked me out so much that I actually went to a couple of different shrinks and a few family members who are doctors, just to be sure I'm okay; every single person I've told about it has almost laughed at the idea that I might take him seriously. They say there's nothing wrong with me, but at this point, I swear I'm beginning to doubt my own sanity.) He's told me he still thinks I'm beautiful and that it makes him as happy to see me smile now as it did over a year ago, when we first started dating - that his feelings for me are as strong as they've ever been. But then other days he tells me he's confused, has mixed feelings ... that he's never been so confused about anything.At this point, I feel like the only way to save myself is to stop hoping he'll come back - I just have to move on. But how do I do that? How do I make myself give up on something I want so badly?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2006): Unfortunately, the only way to avoid seeing him is to stop going to class. Otherwise, I have to sit directly next to him (mandatory seating chart) in a room of maybe 30 people. I have weekends off, but otherwise, at least until May, seeing him every day is unavoidable.
But thanks for your comments; I think the thing about my being a security blanket for him is probably right. He's never had a problem with being single before, but he's never dated anyone as seriously as we were, so letting go is probably hard for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2006): Your ex sounds extremely unstable right now, unstable to the point where it appears your being friends is not a good idea for both parties. Seeing you makes him run the gamut from love to hate, and seeing him makes you miserable and question your own sanity. It appears your boyfriend may be thrashing at being single again, given his outbursts of acid coupled with his cooing, apologetic advances. He's latching back onto you for security rather than standing up to being on his own, yet at the same time he still feels anguish over the end of the relationship. Don't be fooled by his sweet remarks or jealous outbursts - they are just a plea to rescue him from his still-fresh singledom. Hopefully they'll dwindle as time goes on. On that note, do you really "have to" see him everyday? If you are coworkers, look into getting yourself transferred elsewhere, even if it is only to somewhere further away from his workspace - anything you can do at this point to put some distance between you and him.
The only way to move on is to actually change the biggest institution in your life - seeing him. If you can actually spend less time around him overall, you should both improve.
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male
reader, Uncle Steve +, writes (25 February 2006):
Ask yourself is this what you want everyday of your life. A relationship is supposed to be give and take not one person dictating to the other. If you did get back together, by the sound of it your life would be ruled by a bit of a control friek. There are other people out there probably more suited to you. He needs help from qualified people ,you dont. move on ,move away and find happiness.
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