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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,After 21 years of marriage, during last year my husband's old girlfriend turned up to see him (not at home of course). I suppose just after the last baby we had a few problems and with him working nights and me days we drifted apart. Instead of talking things over, he was seeing this girl on and off through out last summer and I definitely suspected something was up but I wasn't sure as we weren't getting on anyway. One day just after Christmas, my 2nd daughter stayed home from school because she wasn't feeling very well (he didn't know and left his mobile on the bed). While my husband was in the shower, as a teenager she picked up him mobile phone and found messages on it. He had obviously sent her a messages that he misses her and she replied I miss you too.She shocked had it out with him when he come out of the shower and when I came home she could not hold it back and blurted it out.We had a massive arguement and I asked him to leave. He wouldn't leave and said he wanted to stay with us and that his relationship with this old girl friend was over and he wants to stay with us (we have 3 children).He just wouldn't leave so I made him sleep with the little one for a while, but the kids were just so mixed up with what was going on - the feeling was so horrible.School marks starting falling immediately and attitude starting chaning in the kids straight away.So in order to avoid all this, I decided it was for the best to try and made things work for the sake of the kids. It just wasn't fair on them. I would definitely have left or insisted he left if it wasn't for the kids, no matter how much you love someone that is unforgivable.Things were kind of ok for the first couple of weeks, he was just so glad we were all back together and that the marriage was not going to end. But it's me, I just can't let it go and we keep arguing about the same thing and I always start. I'm still trying to track her down to find her number, trying contacting her old address but she isn't there. Tried her mums name and her name but just can't track her down. I just want to speak to her.I just can't let it go. I can't sleep at night either.I need someone to advise me. What can I do?How can I find her number?Help me please!
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female
reader, Delirius +, writes (26 September 2005):
21 years of marriage is a very long time. You seriously do not need to talk to this woman. It will just hurt and you will compare yourself to her and that is not healthy. The time may have come for you and your husband to decide what part of your current lifestyle can change to enable you to spend more time together. Find the place where you are only working to live, not living to work. Make the time to hug your babies and each other. From what you wrote, you have at least two daughters, and you need to fix your relationship so that these girls learn how to manage their own relationships in the future. If it means counselling, then do it. If it means talking as a family, then do it.What your husband was really missing was probably you. You must have been friends before, find that place again. Don't ignore it, you have to talk to each other. Tell him how frustrated and devastated and betrayed you feel. Have him understand how equally frustrated, devastated and betrayed your 2nd daughter feels as well. The man she most loved in all the world hurt the woman she most loved in the world, how could he do that. Your little girl needs you right now, more than you need to talk to the other woman. Your husband needs to explain himself plainly to both you and your girls or they will never ever trust any man to come into their lives. Do it for your babies, and do it for you. Forget her and fix your family.
A
female
reader, Starr +, writes (22 September 2005):
First of all, let me get this out.I experienced that situation first hand and reacted worse than you.I can no longer trust him and the difference is that me and him are not married.I refuse to let it go and i'll be damned if it happens again and we are together.What you need to do is let him know that he has hurt you so bad and that you don't know if you will ever see him the same way again.Show him that you mean business.Also,tell him that if he ever feels that he is going to stray away from you again,to give you the option of doing the same by letting you know before he does anything.If you portray that you don't care anymore about what he does,he will think you are loosing your love for him and it is his fault therefore,he will think next time he has a stupid idea.
It worked for me!
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A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (22 September 2005):
 You need to make a decision in your mind of what you really want. Do you wish to work on your marriage, not just for the sake of the children? If you are only remaining with your husband because of the kids, then you are basically on a no hoper. You need to want to get your marriage back on an even keel for it to have any chance of working and for effort to be put into it on both sides. Otherwise, you are constantly going to be dwelling on the past and feeling troubled.
Even if you do decide to work on your relationship, the worries won't just disappear but there will be more chance of you looking to the future together.
Do you love your husband? Do you think you can ever accept what he did? It also isn't fair on the children to stay in the marriage if you are unhappy. After a while, they will certainly sense your misery and be unhappy themselves, they will hear any arguments and discussions that may be unpleasant and they will be affected by tense atmospheres.
Therefore, you need to decide what you want to do next. If you still love your husband, then you need to talk everything through. Communication is imperative. You need to express to him how you feel and if need be, ask questions about this woman. By working together, eventually you will be able to not so much let what happened go, but it will fade into the background.
The need to talk to this woman is natural; you have many questions but it won't help you to find the answers from her. You need to find them from your husband.
Think very carefully about what you want the future to hold, consider how you feel for your husband, think about whether couples counselling will help and whether you will ever be able to forgive him for what he has done. Marriages can survive affairs but you need to find out whether you want yours to.
Good luck.
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