A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all!I come with a questions and concern. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a few months now and it's been great, I know I love her and I know I will spend the rest of my life with her.The problem is, I knew her back in grade school and knew she didn't have the best "track record" with the guys she's slept with. Since having a long talk with her recently I have discovered that she now has upwards of 80 different sexual partners. To be honest this freaks me out pretty bad, I have a phobia which has kept me fairly sexually inactive (strong fear of STD's). Which I on the other hand have been active with 3 different partners, and protection or not I've been tested after each one and get tested at least once a year. Now for the questions:Is 80 a outrageous high number?How do I bring up that and voice my opinions about my concers?How do I suggest getting tested?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe only infidelity she mentioned to me was during a past relationship that went sour and became borderline abusive, while still technically with the guy she moved away for a while and ended up sleeping with a guy in a one night stand involving alcohol. She also said, no matter how bad the relationship was and no matter the relationship was kinda over she shouldn't have cheated on him. Still to this day she still feels bad about it, which I can tell is genuine.
I just didn't know if a woman with that many partners is more prone to cheat. I also know not everyone is the same. You've all have given great advice!
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (21 February 2013):
 "The only problem I have with the number of partners is the question that runs through my head, since she's slept with that many people, is fidelity going to be an issue? Which I don't think so but that thought lingers."
It depends. As I said below, some women have to kiss a lot of frogs before their prince, and when they find him they'd never ever consider being unfaithful.
The best indicator of future infidelity is past infidelity: if she's cheated in the past she's likely to again. If she's never cheated on anyone, then she's not likely to now. Casual sex and one night stands outside of a relationship are definitely not cheating and there's no reason to assume that someone who has done this will cheat.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 February 2013):
 on fidelity with a woman who has had an "active" past
I met my current husband when I was in an open marriage. I was a swinger.... multiple partners (alone and in groups) both men and women....
we are totally 100% monogamous now. MY CHOICE.... in fact, he's rather disappointed that he won't get to have others... he just assumed I'd be open to sharing... NOPE...
not this time.
so yes sexually active women with a history of many partners can and do become faithful monogamous partners.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 February 2013):
Your opinion is the only one that matters when it comes to how many partners is too many.
And, don't forget, you can get an std your first time. Testing is ALWAYS a good idea.
I knew a girl who got herpes because a guy with herpes of the mouth went down on her. The kicker is that she was a virgin! That was a pretty heartbreaking experience for her and the guy who gave it to her and proof that testing is always important.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): 80 partners in her early 20s is a gigantic number no matter how you look at it.
The average American has more like 8 partners. That figure includes all ages, so the female early 20s figure is logically going to be a lot more like 3 or 4.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (21 February 2013):
 I told Roddie last night about my 80 and he was like replused lmao. Im like this includes every single person including forced and unforced. If its a high number oh well. I dont like him anyway he can judge me and say he dont like that. Its not alot compared.to the people I do and dont know sexual history. He must understand men on a general sleep with alot of women if not then there sleeping with the men either way at my age there number will definitely be much much high than most women especially mines.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMuch appreciated to you all.
And yes the only problem I have with. That many past partners the the STD factor. Due to a family member being hit with Hep C due to unprotected sex (which is highly unlikely but happened) it laid dormant for 10 years doing damage with no symptoms, that freaks me out.
We have had a talk before about STDs and she admitted to having a curable one which she was treated with no problems. I didn't know how to approach her about getting tested then, so I dropped it.
So I'll dive in straight forward and ask her tomorrow to get tested with me.
The only problem I have with the number of partners is the question that runs through my head, since she's slept with that many people, is fidelity going to be an issue? Which I don't think so but that thought lingers.
Her past is, that's it HER past, she made the decisions, although I may not agree were not mine to make. I'm just happy she made the decision to be with me.
Again thanks everyone!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 February 2013):
 I agree with doublejack in that you bring it up that before you both get sexually active, BOTH of you take STD tests together. Doesn't matter if you take one every year or after a relationship, you need to suggest BOTH of you getting tested.
I very much agree with SVC's suggestion on how to handle it.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (21 February 2013):
Some of the most loyal and wonderful women I know had very many sexual partners until they found 'the one'. At that point they settled down and were faithful, loving and deeply committed.
Some women i've known who have had messy difficult relationships including infidelity have had a low number of sexual partners.
Is it just STD's that's the problem? Assuming she got tested and came back clean would you feel ok?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 February 2013):
when my husband and I started dating I was coming from a swinger background and was already being tested every 6 months and he had a bit of a past that was none too savory so I suggested we both get tested... he hates needles and he readily did it for me.
we both presented each other with our blood work results....
it was very easy and natural.... folks with sexual pasts in this day and age have every right to request proof that their partner is STD free. In actuality to me it says 'Hey I care about you and want to make a commitment to you so let's get our blood work done." kind of statement as casual folks are never asked for blood work...
if you had this talk with her and she told you about her past you don't have to worry about bringing it up as she knows you know about it...she told you... just put the reason for the conversation on your anxiety. it's the truth.
"honey I need to talk to you about something that makes me uncomfortable and I don't want to fight or upset you but this is hard for me...." and go from there...
as for the number of prior partners, if it's excessive for you, then it's excessive.... for some men it is, for others it's not. either way is ok....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): Most of STD's can be tested by ELISA. But that test could test any virus not just STD's even flue. Talk with your doctor about your concerns and ask for advice. On the other hand you could take lot's of brochures of STD's and act like you have little anxiety about it and you want to be tested. Just Invite her to support you and at the test center suggest her to get test with you and explain her you will feel strong if she get one with you or something like that. I know this kind of role makes her questioning about your loyality but I guess you can set your acting to acceptable level
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A
female
reader, Cripes  +, writes (20 February 2013):
Maybe she has been tested. Just ask if she has ever been tested. She probably has, and then you can relax.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (20 February 2013):
"Is 80 a outrageous high number?"For a girl in that age bracket, 22-25, I think yes, that is a high number. If she has been sexually active for about 10 years, say from 15 to 25, that is averaging 8 guys a year. There's no two ways about it, this is a girl who has had a lot of casual sex.You will have to decide how much of an issue this is for you. You're past is in stark contrast. You are very selective and have had only a few partners. I'm not going to judge, just state that for this girl's number to be that high she must have been with guys who were virtual strangers. It's a completely different approach to sex than the one you have taken. Is this something that will continue to bother you, or can you accept it? Know that she cannot change her past, no matter how much she cares for you. It's a part of who she is."How do I bring up that and voice my opinions about my concers?"The short answer is, you don't. The long answer is you don't bring this up to her, because it is your issue and not hers. If you bring it up the only possible outcome is to make her feel bad about her choices and behavior, and / or upset her. You might even upset her to the point that she breaks up with you.If you want to bring it up and talk about this with someone, I suggest a councilor. This is something you will have to work through. If you love your girlfriend, you need to accept her for who she is and all the history that comes with it."How do I suggest getting tested?"The best approach is to be very straight forward. Say something like "I think we should both go for STD testing, for each of our protection". You are confident that you're STD free, but the fact is you do have a history too. Offer for both of you to get tested for peace of mind.
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