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female
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anonymous
writes: my mother and i have suffered abuse at the hands of my father. and it's not just something that's happened once or twice (not saying that once or twice is justified). it's happened numerous times. i am away at college now, have been for the past four years. i was glad to be away from it, but at the same time, i feel as though i've abandoned my mother. i just got a call from my mother not too long ago, crying, telling me about the latest episode. but i am 11 hours away and can't do anything about it. i've never told anyone about this before, and i don't know what to do. i've got so many issues surrounding this abuse, and the worst dreams you could ever imagine because i have never dealt with it. i can't seem to get away from it. does anyone have any ideas about what i should do? i would see a counselor but i can't afford it for sure. thanks. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (15 September 2006):
 You're welcome, anon. I'm glad that my posts were able to help you out. This is probably a very scary situation for your mother, and it's good that you are so strong and loving. Take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2006): i'm the poster of this question. thank you SOO much from the bottom of my heart. that was great advice and the numbers are so helpful. i appreciate it more than you know.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (15 September 2006):
Hi again,
I actually looked up some numbers - I'm not sure where you live, but if it's in the US, your mom can call:
The Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233, this organization has counselors on call that can help her figure out a safe plan to get out of there
http://www.ndvh.org/
There are also a bunch of organizations and their phone numbers on this website: http://www.feminist.org/911/crisis.html
And here is a link for info in the UK: http://www.bbc.co.uk/crime/support/domesticviolence.shtml It has phone numbers, shelters, etc.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (15 September 2006):
Hi Anon,
It's a really good thing that you were able to escape from that house - now it's your mother's turn.
I have a feeling that she thinks she is stuck there. Either because he has made her feel so bad about herself that she feels there is nothing/nobody out there for her, or else she feels like she has nowhere else to go. Neither of these are correct, she just has to realize that. (I have a feeling it's going to be hard to convince her that she doesn't deserve this, just because she has been fed that b.s. for so long.)
What she needs to do is contact a domestic abuse organization for women in her area. They will be able to help guide her, as they are professionals in these areas. Many times these organizations also have shelters, or at the very least could recommmend one for you mother. She would be able to stay there until she is able to get back on her feet. You should be able to look up the phone number for a local organization in your area in the phone book or online.
Now, the trick is for her to be able to call the place without your father knowing. Maybe she can use a payphone or use a neighbor, friend, or family's phone. That way it won't show up on the bill. Also, if she looks the number up online, she should be sure to erase her internet history incase he tries to see what sites she's been on. I have a feeling if he were to know any of this, he would become livid and probably dangerous.
Let me ask you this - is it possible for your mother to move where you are and you two get an apartment together? Maybe she can call up some places for employment while still at home to try and have a job lined up by the time she moves. Even if it's a retail job, it will still help her until she could find something else - a receptionist position, etc.
If she cannot live with you and she does not want to go to a shelter, is it possible for her to stay with a friend or other family member? Regardless of where the individuals live, she needs to get out of that unhealthy environment.
When she does leave, maybe someone could help her take her belongings out. Or maybe if you think your father would seriously flip out and become abusive, she should have police assistance. In my opinion, the best time for her to leave is when he is going to be gone for a while - maybe just after he leaves for work.
Once she is out of there, and because your father seems to be so dangerous, I don't think it's out of line to contact your local police department to have guidance from them - maybe a restraining order is necessary (sure sounds like it to me).
Also, if she partly owns the house that she is living in, she's going to need to figure out how to get her name off of everything (but that can be done later).
I also think that your mother is going to need to see a counselor to get rid of all of the pain she was dealt with. I know that you said you don't have the funds yourself to go, but maybe she will be able to afford it after getting a job? If not, maybe you could contact someone at your local government office and ask about counselors - sometimes governments have counselors that work on a sliding payment scale.
And back to you not being able to afford a counselor. I would check with your school to find out if anyone is available through them. Your tuition pays for many things, and most times one of those things is a school counselor. If they do not have one, I suggest contacting your local government office as I perviously mentioned.
So talk to your mom about her moving in with you, try to help her find a job (maybe look around and see what places might be hiring for her and give her their phone numbers, etc), contact the police for guidance (perhaps get a restraining order), look into low-cost/free counselors.
Take care.
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