A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone offer any advice here. I have just split with my partner over the following. We have been together nearly 3 years and I loved him like no one else, but felt he showed his true colours the other evening. We had made love and in the heat of it, I shouted something out. He laughed at this point so afterwards, I said "why did you laugh at what I had said". He thought I had cried out "Mummy" and was acting really strange about the whole thing. He said it was weird and strange and was almost recoiling from me and I was left feeling like a freak over his reaction. I scanned my brain trying to remember if I had said this, then when he said he laughed at the point I said it, I realised I had said "f*** me". So, I went from feeling really blissed out to him making me feel like an absolute freak over something I hadn't even said. We've never been great talkers but this left me feeling so low. We tried to talk the next day and he realised he had put his feet in it (his words) but I can't come back from this one, he made me feel so bad. What's worse is, I said to him what if I had of said it in the heat of the moment. It would take a psychologist to work that one out as I certainly don't fancy my mum!! Was this more about him and his mind?? He has left me feeling devasted and it seems such a daft thing to split over, but I've never been made to feel so low in my whole life, and this from a partner who is supposed to be caring. Please can I have peoples thoughts on this as I am dying inside. He left this morning and I can't stop crying. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, liv1143  +, writes (27 February 2009):
 i think that he is stupid and immature to make you feel so bad over something like this. after 3 years, he should deffinately be more caring. dont even worry about it hun. take some time to cry and be with your girlfriends to comfort you then after that have them take you out, go dancing, dress up, go all out and just get your mind off of this insensitive guy. you need a good, kind man who will ALWAYS be caring and will never embarass you like that. im sure its hard right now but youll make it through. :) just make sure you have plenty of friends around to cheer you up and be by your side. :) feel better hun :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): Laugh with him if you really love this guy- Life is short....People make silly mistakes every day and are often misunderstood, especially in the heat of the moment, neither one of you are hearing correctly.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): PS: LoveloveLove.. a child's love can be destroyed by a couple of words.. but a woman's love, especially a woman of 40 odd, can climb mountains and back, and is as big as the ocean for the man she adores.. Right now you expect perfection from a man, when you are older, you will want to try to be perfect for him. Love is a two way thing, and you need to give as well as receive.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): Yep.. I agree with Tish.. all the blame seems to be on your guy and you have tons of excuses and avoidances to minimize your part in this. You need to look into your heart and find out why you reject this guy. It's not about the incident, he apologised but you refused to accept it and you broke the relationship. You are minimising your actions, you are trying to justify walking out of the relationship. You said you loved him, loved him with all your heart, but you dumped him because he reacted badly for a couple of seconds one nightPlease cut the bull, it will make you happier and make it easier for us to help. You don't want to be with this guy for some reason, and you jumped at the first excuse to dump him and get rid of him. Your in your 40's, you spent 3years with him, you claim to love him. Nothing you say makes any sense.Now how about telling us and yourself the real truth about what you want and what is wrong with this guy. Avoiding the issue and blaming him isn't helping you any, because nothing makes any sense. Is this always what you do in relationships, make up a fuss, push people away and then try to make them the wrong party, and put the blame on them. What is wrong, what are the issues, is your love so fickle, that a couple of words can make your heart change?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): Gosh. Get over it. Seriously have a sense of humour it must have been quite funny! MAKE LIGHT OF THE SITUATION HEY YOU!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): Well, the relationship wasn't perfect but are any? We had our ups and downs like most people but mostly ups to be honest. Perhaps on his side he was harbouring issues which he hadn't disclosed and they came to the fore at that moment; i tried to talk to him before he left about it but he couldn't find the right words, apart from he was sorry and he had put his foot in it. The conversation really didn't move beyond that as he couldn't explain what he was feeling and why! And it wasn't a grovelling apology by any means. So I was left with unanswered questions. like "where would we be now if i really had of said that". I agree if I had said it that he would find it weird, which he did. However, he could have used that as a basis to talk to me but he withdrew and basically just said it had freaked him out. So, yes the decision for him leaving was mine as I said I couldn't get over this and he made no move to change my mind on the subject. Perhaps the real truth will come out at some point from his side.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 February 2009):
 I'm not quite clear who decided to break up: was it you or was it him? You said he left, but does that mean he left after you told him you couldn't get past this? I'm a little confused on this point.
Anyway, it's certainly a very painful and traumatic experience to go through for you. Making love can be a very intimate and soul baring experience and then to be laughed at first and then treated as a freak could be devastating indeed. You must have been feeling very deeply hurt by that.
In his defense, he did think you'd shouted "Mummy" which would be very odd and strange in the moment. So then he made the fatal mistake of being honest with you about how he felt at that time. His feelings are his feelings, they're not something he can always control. If he had kept his mouth shut and simply told you that he'd laughed because he thought you'd said "Mummy" and left it at that, you'd be none the wiser as to his reaction. Now, what doesn't make sense to me is that you've been together for 3 years, is that right? And you have been perfectly happy with him all that time, from what you indicated. So I'm struggling to understand how a simple misunderstanding, followed by an honest explanation of his feelings and I think a heartfel apology would still result in you being so upset that you can't remember the 3 years of good for this one 10 minute period of bad. Granted, it was a deeply personal and strange and hurtful bad, but I don't think it was intentional on his part.
So as I think this through, I think there's another dynamic going on here. I think one or both of you have been pretending that everything is wonderful and perfect, when in fact, there is something else going on here. You must have been feeling it as a vague sense of something'ts not quite right or perhaps he was, but someone has been unhappy in the relationship subconsciously and this is the incident that brought those feelings to the fore.
So I'm suggesting to you that while I can understand being hurt by his reaction, I think that you're feeling devastated and hurt beyond the actual 'crime'. He didn't make you feel low, you have made you feel low. You have let this get to you in a disproportionate way.
How else has he shown that he doesn't care? Beyond this, I mean. Did he laugh at how low you felt? Did he refuse to apologize for thinking that it was really strange that you would call out "Mummy" at a moment of sexual intimacy? Has he denigrated you for being a freak beyond this one single incident?
Something's not adding up for me. Either there is more to this story than you have shared with us or than you realize, or he's an uncaring oaf who has shown his true colors (but you said it's been love for 3 years?) or it might be that you have over-reacted and now are getting an inkling that you did but you don't know how to go about setting things to rights again. Maybe he hasn't apologized or groveled profusely enough? I don't know.
Well, those are my thoughts on the subject, I do hope that you are feeling better and are able to think more clearly and recognize that the only one who can allow you to feel low is yourself. Pull yourself back up, give yourself a great big hug, make a cup of cocoa or tea or coffee, have a snack, breathe, take a good brisk walk and then come back and think about it again.
Take care.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): Thank you goodgracious and lovelovelove and all the other responses. Thanks to those who read my message properly too. Yes, it was his reaction at the time that made me feel so dreadful and I figured if he was so in love with me he wouldn't have reacted that way, and yes we should have talked and laughed about it but I wasn't getting that from him. He had misheard what I said and freaked out!! So my normally loving partner was no longer loving and in that moment, my security rug was well and truly pulled from under me. Perhaps kellyxxx was right in that he was looking for an excuse to leave!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): People are being very cruel in their responses to this.When you are in love with someone and they react in a strongly bad way to something you yourself have said or done you can feel panicked and get extremely upset. This is completely normal and people shouldn't be calling this girl 'overly-sensitive' or 'edgy' or anything else along those lines.To those who've been saying such things, have you been in love?On both sides of a relationship, people can react in strange ways and get worried and scared etc. but it certainly does not mean that this is the end of the relationship. It's something you have to attempt to talk through and resolve and if you conclude from that chat that he is the wrong person for you, then that's how it is.But you can come out of it stronger, and it seems to be that there is room for maturing in this relationship.My boyfriend, who i am crazily in love with, can sometimes freak out about things i say because he can get the wrong idea but i just have to reassure him and laugh it off at how silly it is that he thought like that, but i'll be sensitive and kiss him and tell him everything's fine and that i care.What happened isn't serious at all in itself but the way he reacted is and this has to be sorted if you're both going to continue in ur relationship.
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female
reader, aunty_rach +, writes (25 February 2009):
why are you turning something so small and pathetic into such a big deal? so what he heard you wrong, you should both beable to laugh it off. that's what relationships are all about. having fun together as well as being loving and caring.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): Why are you so wound up over something so trivial? I really don't get where you're at on this one. He obviously realised he'd upset you yet by you saying "I can't come back from this one", you continue, for whatever reason, to go ahead with the split. Anyway, he laughed at the point in question, so how does that make you feel freakish? You seem to be a very edgy, volatile, overly-sensitive woman who needs to sort their priorities out. Go after him before it really is too late.Good luck.
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female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (25 February 2009):
 I think he was looking for an excuse to leave because this sounds like such a stupid reason. Trust me, there are plenty more fish in the sea, this one seems like a dick who you could do better without. I know its hard but you need to move on. X
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