A
female
age
41-50,
*oergie
writes:Hi All,I need some feedback on my situation please....here it is so sorry if it is a little long.We met in the tackiest way possible, internet dating site and we instantly hit it off but we were separated by oceans.We spent 4 months together over 1.5 years of talking and finally he got a visa to come and be with me. According to the visa, we have 9 months to get married or he has to go back.We went through hell waiting for each other and filling in a million forms and being questioned and poked and proddedNow the time is coming close to the end of his visa and we have to get married or else he goes back but I find that the more time we spend together, the less I think he is the right man for me. I know what you're thinking....what did I expect, right? Well after 1.5 years of talking I thought we got to know each other pretty well and it's not like we were rushing into anything.The reasons I have my doubts is that no matter what I do, it doesn't seem to be enough for him.I have lost 125 pounds and am just 24 pounds off my target weight and he still thinks I am not trying hard enough. I didn't lose it for him, I lost well over 65 pounds before I met him but losing the rest is going too slow for him and I don't believe in fast weight loss, it's not permanent or sustainable in my mind.He scrutinises everything I put into my mouth and proceeds to tell me how greedy I am if I have a salad sandwich. It's so upsetting that I have just stopped eating at home altogether. I've stopped eating breakfasts and dinners at home and just end up eating lunch at work. Having studied nutrition, I know how unhealthy it is not to eat regular meals but love does strange things to your otherwise reasonable nature.After we have sex, he will say things like it will be even better when you lose weight or sort out your legs because they look horrific. They are still lumpy and puffy but nowhere near as bad as they were.He absolutely hates my family and calls them all kinds of horrible names. This hurts me so much because it sounds like a backhanded rejection of me. In his defence, my family can be nosey and domineering but they have been there for me at my darkest times without fail also.He thinks I am lazy if I want to sleep in till 8am on a weekend. He says that he doesn't want to waste his life in bed.He also thinks I am lazy if I decide not to do 2 hours of hard exercise every night.He thinks I snore too much even though he snores also but my snoring is so bad apparently that he gets stressed from it and yells at me while I am trying to sleep. If I want to go to a different room to let him sleep he thinks I am not trying hard enough to lose weight and stop snoring.He hates me using the hot water because it makes a squealing sound.I used to love cooking, it was a passion of mine, but these days, on the rare occasion when I do cook, he tells me how unhealthy my meal is and he doesn't want any of it but then when I am asleep he eats whatever is left over.He tells me about how unhealthy I eat while he eats 2 packets of crisps in one sitting. But he says that it's ok for him to do this because he keeps himself in check.He gets acid in his stomach and says it is because he is stressed and feeling trapped and doesn't like the way my family look at him and treat him and the way that I am not treating him as number one.He tells me to grow up and stop being a child but he treats me like a child by asking me the same question about 20 times or he will remind me about something 20 times in a day, sometimes in less than a day as if my answer will change or I will forget something.He tells me that he doesn't want anyone from my family to be at our wedding but I want the people who have been there for me to be at my wedding.He tells me I can see my family any time but when I do go and visit them, he tells me for hours afterwards how awful they are.When I ask him what will happen if I want my family to come to our house for dinner, he says he will go away from the house while they are here as he doesn't want anything to do with them but he questions me about everything they do and say.He tells me that I lied to him about my weight and my family over the internet but I told him from the start that I was a big girl and that my family meant a lot to me and when I remind him of that, he says that I didn't tell him how big I was and how bad my family was.I work all day and then I come home at night and try to set up a business for me and him and I exercise for 2 hours and usually fix the bed and wash the dishes and fill the kettle and clean the kitchen and bathroom but still I am not working fast enough....and I have to do all this while he is nagging me about some task every 10 minutes or asking me to spell something that he could easily look up.I have not been lucky in love in the past and have kept myself out of the loop for years so I wouldn't call myself an expert on what makes up a good relationship. The one thing that I do know is that when I am driving home from work, I get a pain in my stomach knowing I have to see him when I get back. I know when I walk through the door, he will be scrutinising how long it took me to get home and what I ate on the way or whether I've been to see my family.I am trying so hard and I am just feeling more worn out every day and I'm losing sense of how much is reasonable in a relationship and how much is just plain mean or wrong.I know that I can't expect unconditional love and I try my hardest every day to improve on all those aspects I mentioned above but shouldn't the person who claims they love you also be able accept some of your flaws? Or do I really have that many flaw and should just not have put myself into a relationship?Thanks for any help :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): I'm sorry but I couldn't even bring myself to finish reading your list, but I can tell you that you need to break up with this guy. do NOT under any circumstances get married to him!!the 1.5 years of talking while living apart was NOT the real relationship. THIS is the real relationship. when you don't see the other person face to face, you only see one side of them. Similarly, they do not see all of you either so they are making a lot of assumptions about you too which may not be true. Consider those 1.5 years as the equivalent of the first week of a dating relationship, when you actually don't know the other person and they are more like acquaintances.but the biggest problem is him - he is a jerk. Insulting someone, ridiculing them, trying to control them...these are all being a jerk and is not acceptable to do that. Tell him to leave, this relationship is over, and cut ties with him immediately.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 June 2013):
 I want to write so much and say so much but I'm going to give you one critical piece of information now
YOU WILL NOT GET TO GOAL WEIGHT if you have skin from such a massive loss....
I lost over 100 pounds and still wanted to lose another 10 but I when I went to the plastic surgeon for a consult about how much more to lose before he would do surgery he told me that I had NOTHING left to lose and it was ALL skin...
and it was I lost 5 pounds of skin on the table... went from a size 10 to a size 6 overnight!
I still need to have my butt back and legs done but my front is now lovely
Had the man I met and dated before plastic surgery said anything about how much better I would be after the surgery I would have told him that it was sad he would never find out...
So many other reasons I want to go over why marrying him is a bad idea...
he will ONLY get worse once he is secure and knows you are legally tied to him
let him go home
I will write in more detail later to address the other issues
but the weight one... MAJOR congrats to you on a job well done and stop beating yourself up about 24 pounds that may never come off or may take over a year to lose... and go see a plastic surgeon for a consult only... finding out what I thought was fat was just skin with a heavy layer of cells was so empowering for me, even if I did not have the surgery (thankfully I could afford it and it ended up being considered medically necessary) PM me if you wish to talk about it off the board...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): Send him home. He will not make a good husband. He will make you feel bad for the rest of the time you spend together. That is not love.
Never ever stay in a relationship because you are desperate to be loved. It will never make you feel fulfilled in the way that you desire.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): Oh, no. Oh, no no. I actually got a knot in my stomach reading this. You sound like a kind, reasonable lady. He sounds like a grade-A, first-class fuckwad, and your preferable course of action from here will be to fling all his stuff into the driveway and change the locks, and then cook yourself a nice chicken piccata or something. He doesn't love you. There is not even a slight indication that he loves you OR likes you, and what's the point of a relationship then? He either despises you, or what's more likely, is using you and despises HIMSELF. That's why the constant lash-out from him. You are brave to have undertaken so much weight loss, and that's FANTASTIC progress. You are right in that losing it too quickly would be unhealthy. What is a salad sandwich? It sounds smaller than most of my meals, and he's still criticizing you for it. You're supposed to be losing weight, not starving. Treat yourself kindly. First thing? Get rid of this guy. Fast. I know it's hard; I'm sure it was so lovely building the bond online and thinking you'd found something truly special. Don't worry, there will be others. You sound like a great lady.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (13 June 2013):
 first of all - CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR WEIGHT LOSS!! that's an incredible thing you've accomplished. keep up the hard work.
you may not have had a lot of dating experience in the past, but you know enough to know that this guy is making you miserable. that should answer your question.
the things he is saying to you about your body are not only inappropriate, but they are horrific. inexcusable. and he doesn't have to like your family. but he needs to respect that they are important to YOU. never, under any circumstance, give up your family and friends for a relationship. anyone who asks you to, is someone certainly not worthy of giving them up. and anyone who IS worthy, would never dream of asking you.
if i were you, i would definitely break up with this guy. i think you'll come to find that you'll be much, MUCH happier in the long run.
best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): Please, please, please get rid of this guy. He is treating you awfully and it is only going to get worse. The person you are with should love you for who you are, not be trying to bully you into who he wants you to be. You deserve to be happy and to find someone you look forward to seeing at the end of the day, not someone you dread seeing.You say you don't know what is reasonable to put up with in a relationship, well try to think of it a bit like the relationship you have with your family. You get on well with them, enjoy spending time with them and love them to bits, but sometimes they will probably annoy the life out of you. However everything they do, however tactless or missguided it may be, always has your best interests at heart. And all things considered, the bad points really don't count for much no matter how much you think you could kill them sometimes. That's what you should have with your partner too. Someone who loves you as you are, has your back no matter what and can be brutally truthful when need be but never to hurt you or put you down. Please don't give up on that, it's out there for you somewhere but you need to get rid of this loser to allow you to find him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): I really feel for you as I have also been in an abusive relationship- and I got out.
From inside, it feels as though you have no options. You develop all sorts of signals from your body telling you it's not right (for me it was waking up at 3am with central gripping chest pain) but you are so off balance with the thoughts the abuser is putting into your mind, that you don't know your own mind anymore.
Be assured that this relationship is wrong. It will not improv, it will get worse. It may develop into physical abuse. Once children are on the scene you will have an infinitely harder time getting away.
You need to protect yourself and he needs to leave.
Luckily you are close to your family. You're going to need their support. Tell them everything and explain you're leaving him.
Then you have the choice to move in with your family for a few days and tell him to get out. Or you stay put and tell him to move out.
He is nasty and mean. He won't change. Don't worry hiw you met, you csn meet people in many ways. The important thing is, he is systematically shattering your confidence, and you need him out of your life.
Luckily, once his visa expires, you will never have to see him again.
I guarantee that in six months you'll look back and think,
'Phew. That was close...'
Much love and best wishes. Be strong.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 June 2013):
 Pardon me and my suspicious mind, but... where is he from ? Somewhere from where a move to Australia could be seen as very desirable, because of more work opportunities,better standard of living or more social freedom ... but not easily obtainable ? Are you sure he moved to your country just to be with you- or couldn't you have been his access door to a visa and a new life ?...
I am saying this because it sounds like basically the guy does not even like you . It does not sound just like a problem of him being a demanding or controlling type, it sounds like he is hanging in there willy-nilly, at the cost of ( literally ! ) developing a stomach ulcer... what for ? what's in it for him, if he finds basically all you do and are so unpalatable ?..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): This is not an acceptable or healthy relationship to be in. You are right to be upset. He is not pointing out your flaws, he is bullying you. He is trying to control you. By controlling your eating, he is controlling you. By not wanting your family in your life, he gets more control. Do you have family members that don't like him? I think you had a great long distance relationship, and you THOUGHT you got to know and love him. It was fun, exciting, and you experienced the wonderful feelings of love. I think you are holding on to him now hoping those great feelings will return. I do not believe you can truly know and love someone, till you are physically with them. I know this from experience, not just an opinion. You are getting to know the real him, and if his true colours are showing up before the 9 months is up, my bet would be that he is going to get worse. You have done so much for yourself. Well done loosing all that weight, that is amazing. You deserve nothing but a partner that makes you feel happiness - not dread. It is time to let him go. Let the relationship go. it was great while it lasted, but it has run its course. And don't ever allow yourself to stay in a relationship again with someone that doesn't absolutely adore you....every single thing about you. When someone really loves you, they find the lumpy and puffy legs beautiful, just because they are part of you. My bf is overweight, and I love every single part of him... I adore him. If he looses weight, it will be a bonus, but my love for him won't change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): Good grief! Get rid of the scumbag!
How dare he treat you like this.
He is emotionally abusing you. That pain in your stomach says it all.
Let his visa expire so he goes back. Or better still, kick him out!
This is not how relationships should be. Love yourself and you will meet someone else who does. Your low self confidence is letting put up with this. You deserve so much more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): Hi, Georgie!
I cant help myself to feel sorry for you.
Your situation is really beyond upsetting, and i just cant help but really feel sad because you belittled yourself. I mean you allow this man to make you feel this way.
Did you know that our self is our very own best friend in this crazy world we are in? No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
This man your with, whom you met online is a loser jerky type of man. why i say that, number 1. he ain't a gentleman
2. he doesn't respect you and your family. 3. he criticizes you. 4. to summarize him his a sore loser, every woman's night mare.
Online dating is tricky. People could pretend to be anything online. I'm not saying everyone is doing it. however most of online dating is a disaster.
If someone loves you, your flaws will not matter to them.
Because its part of you, and since that someone sincerely loves you,they wont care at all.
Since your bf keeps reminding you of your flaws to the point that it could sound so insulting, i say, its time for you to quit in your very unhealthy relationship with him.
Its not worth fighting for. Imagine you feel sick going home knowing that you will get to see him? kick him out of your place. Sorry, I am Pro Women. I hate it when i see jerky men mistreating women.
If there is an award for most rotten judgement about men, I could have won that. But hey, I really want you to be happy.
This man is not the answer to your happiness.
I believe in God and karma. God is super smart. Better than Einstein or Bill gates. You may feel unlucky in love for now, But the right one will come to you, one day.
A normal happy relationship is when the guy adores you, and no room for i wonder moments because both are secured in their relationship. You get excited to go home because you know, he will be there for you.
I believe in love but not the kind that will stress me.
We only live once, Live life to the fullest. Im sure there would be lots of more deserving guys who would love to date you.
You deserve unconditional love, You definitely deserve respect, and you should expect those things from someone you love, because if someone truly loves you it will be given to you without the need for begging or asking for it.
I hope you learn something from me, Pray Hard.
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