A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HiA few weeks ago I wrote this question and received helpful replies supporting my decision.Have you ever broken off a friendship because of things your friend did? I feel so guilty...http://www.dearcupid.org/question/have-you-ever-broken-off-a-friendship-because.htmlIn addition to all this other stuff I also recently found out my friend is sleeping with a married man (who is having trouble with his wife, but still is married). I have strong feelings against this.But still I am feeling terrible about breaking off my friend. I am thinking now maybe by doing this I am preventing her form having a positive role model in her life (me). I know it may sound arrogant, but I was thinking if she had me in her life maybe she would stop this behavior, which I consider self-destructive and destructive.The problem is, I am not sure that it will not go the other way and she will bring me down to her level. Maybe she will influence me. I know being friends with someone who has so little respect for marriage and men depresses me greatly. It drains me.When should a person reach out to help and when should that person cut ties? Should I stick around and try to be a stable force in my friend's crazy and destructive life, or should I save myself pain and just leave?Thanks.
View related questions:
married man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): First of all, it's noble but also misguided and grandiose to believe that you have the power to "save" your friend from herself. You can't change people, only they can change themselves. So if you stay friends with her ONLY for the purpose of changing her (even though it really would be good for her to change the way you want) you're setting yourself up to be very angry, resentful and frustrated because your behavior stemming from this goal will probably just drive her away from you and you'll be angry and upset that she is "still not coming around and getting saved by my efforts." or you will get angry at some point that "I'm trying to save her and she's not cooperating!" and then you'll feel powerless and this will just eat up a lot of your emotional energy that could have been better channeled elsewhere or in a different healthier way.
Your friend may be seeing a married man and you may be against this personally but it's not your life, it's hers. She's a big girl, so she has the right to make choices for herself. If her behavior doesn't infringes on your personal freedom or health you should not intrude in an unwelcome way into her business, unless she specifically asks you to.
If you're disgusted by her behavior and can't see past that, and if you can't help but define her entirely by her behavior which you don't approve of, then end the friendship. there's nothing wrong with admitting that you just can't be friends with someone. This doesn't mean you have to become enemies or try to sabotage her, it just means you are not going to be friends that's all.
Ask yourself if it's possible to stay friends with someone even if you don't approve of some things they are doing. There is more to her than just her bad behavior. And being friends with her doesn't mean you are condoning what she's doing. For example let's say you're personally against abortion and wouldn't dream of ever having one, but your friend just had an abortion, do you cut off friendship with her? Or your friend converted to a different religion from you, do you cut off friendship? (some people do)
there's also different levels of friendships. You can be a not-so-close friend, or you can be BFFs. You may not be able to be BFFs with someone who is doing some things that really disgust you, but maybe you would be OK being not-so-close friends if you maintain some emotional distance.
But if you're unable to maintain any kind of friendships with people who have different moral standards from you, then so be it and you shouldn't force yourself to be friends with someone if you're only going to be upset and disgusted at them the whole time and needing them to change. That wouldn't be a friendship at all and they will know it, and nothing good will come out of pretending to be a friend.
if you're concerned she may drag you down, then that is a very good reason to cut back on your friendship. You need to protect yourself and if you get dragged down you're of no use to her or yourself. Friendships should be mutually beneficial, so if you're not getting anything from it or are being negatively impacted (even if you believe that you're benefitting her), it's not a healthy situation. Friendships should be voluntary and it should be mutually beneficial otherwise it's not a friendship it's a wanna-be social worker situation for you and who knows what it will be for her. (an annoyance?)
But back to the issue of sticking around ONLY because you want to 'save' her from herself. I don't think this is a good attitude and I dont' think this plan will work. I've been in that situation and can thus relate to how you feel, and this is what I've learned the hard way.
There's a fine line being there for someone because you truly care for them and are concerned and want to help them, versus having a staunch attitude that you will rescue them from themselves and change them into what you want because it's for their own good. The first approach has a loving supportive attitude and has more chance of actually having some positive influence (even though it may not happen when you expect or be in the form you anticipate). The second approach is not loving and is more about your need to feel OK by getting her to be what you want her to be, and will just lead to frustration.
With the first approach, you continue to be there for your friend in a capacity that you can handle comfortably even if and when she still isn't changing her situation to what you want. You can still voice your disapproval of what she's doing, but only up to a certain point until you start being a broken record. And even as you do voice your opinion to her, your internal attitude should be that you still accept her as a friend even if she NEVER changes to what you want or what you believe is right. If you're unable to do this (and there's nothing wrong with that), then you should just cut back on the friendship and not force yourself to pretend to be a friend when you can't.
But with the second "I must rescue her from herself" attitude, it's not healthy for you because here you are needing her to change. Your own emotional health actually depends on her changing so that YOU can feel OK. When you have this motivation you will probably be intrusive because you're trying to change her, and will start to get angry at her if she doesn't come around to be what you want her to be, and on your time frame. And this will then cause yourself a lot of anxiety and frustration because truth is that you are powerless to change someone (unless you are a deity). So if you stay as her friend only because you have a goal of "saving" her from herself, not only is your plan likely to fail but you will end up being frustrated, angry, resentful of her and depleted emotionally and then you will be unable to be a friend. The reality is that you're powerless to ensure any specific outcome in someone else's life.
whereas in the first attitude, you will be her friend even if she never changes. So this attitude is not only more healthy and freeing for you, but as a result you will probably behave in ways towards her that are less toxic. If you can be friends with her and offer the support that she herself wants and needs (not the support that you believe she should want and need), then it's more likely that you may have some influence in her life, but at the same time your mental health doesn't depend on it either. besides, some times people do change but not on our schedule, so she may very well change in ways you want eventually but it could take years from now or via paths that you can't envision. so it's healthier for you to take this first attitude of not needing her to change, and being OK with being friends with her even if she never changes.
So ask yourself if you're emotionally able to be her friend with the first, not second, attitude. If not, that's OK and there's nothing wrong with cutting back on the friendship. Like I said, she is a big girl so she has the right to make her own decisions.
|
