A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:MODNOTE: two near identical questions combined with additional material from the second question combined below with the first question. . . . . . . . .Dear CupidAm a 40 year old female with two children from my previous marriage. When I lost my legally wedded husband ten years ago then only thing that was on my mind was taking care of my children who were very young then.It was very difficult for me to trust any man seeking a relationship with me as I was overwhelmed and was still young. But five years later I gave in to a man not because of anything else but his loyalty, affecting and bonding with my children. He was equally shattered emotionally as he had never been married before but had two children with two different women all outside wedlock.It's all been rosy but of late (almost a year now)I have to deal with managing my anger towards his lies,deceitfulness and hypocrisy. This is because when he makes calls to one of the mothers to his children he does it in secrecy. He visits baby mama in secrecy. When I land on pictures of his child with himself on his phone ,he blatantly denies it as my colleagues daughter. It makes me lose my cool and I am a person of short temper. The calls are so irritating that baby mama calls up to midnight when I and him are sleeping. Baby Mama also abuses me saying that she doesn't want me near the father of his child. With all this he still denies he has no affair with her. I confronted him demanding to know why he goes to her house in secrecy and his response is because of his child and not the mother.With his deception,I do overreact because every action he takes has a reaction from me. Of late because of my over reaction he has come up with many reasons supporting why we have separated(Now three weeks). He's informing his relatives that reason for our separation is my anger and tempers he doesn't mention what causes it .He also says I earn much more than him hence it has affected his ego.He also claims my nature of job involves so much travelling and even his also he travels alot hence our long spells of separation affect him. He claims I don't introduce him to in-laws (my family) as Husband. But this I made clear to him that in our community the title husband is earned through formal or traditional marriage formalities which he hasn't done.Am completely confused because this is the only man I loved because of how he bonds and blends with my children. He's the only man they know and recognize as Daddy since their father died when they were young. He can't pick my calls,replay my texts.I need your advise as to should we have to talk over this and end the affair or retain it.It was very difficult for me to trust any man seeking a relationship with me as I was overwhelmed and was still young. But four years later I gave in to a man not because of anything else but his loyalty, affection and bonding with my children and myself. It was natural, genuine mature love. He was 40 years then I was 34. He was equally shattered emotionally as he had never been married before but had two children with two different women all outside wedlock and differed with both on different issues. One Lady they never stayed together ( the one who usually abuses me) She was only 20 and he was 39 when he impregnated her. It was kinder one night stand with a university student fresher. The other elderly lady of my age has a boy with him they stayed for around six months only and she called it quits because she was being harassed by the same university girl with his kid.It's all been rosy but of late (almost a year now)I have to deal with managing my anger towards his lies,deceitfulness and hypocrisy.I confronted him demanding to know why he goes to her house in secrecy and his response is because of his child and not the mother.With his deception,I do overreact because every action he takes has a reaction from me.He claims I don't introduce him to in-laws (my family) as Husband. This formality was not an issue to me having been in love and peace but now i realize i blundered.But this I made clear to him that in our community the title husband is earned through formal or traditional marriage formalities which he hasn't done. I had planned to give him one child this year. I could have done earlier but I discovered I had fibroids. I removed the fibroids in December 2016 but even as I was in the wards his baby mama abused me "so your anger brought you fibroids finally, nurse that nasty surgical wound in peace". I was shocked the extend which he shares my personal information with his baby mama.
View related questions:
affair, one night stand, text, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 January 2017):
 Please do not have a child with him this year. Look at what you have just wrote, you do not sound happy. You are angry all the time, you do not trust him and he does not share any information with you about his life. This relationship is not going to work out. Concentrate on being a good mother to your children, get some help for your anger as your children deserve a happy mother. He is not going to make you happy.
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (24 January 2017):
 It doesn't sound like you get much out of this relationship except abuse, stress, mistrust, and aggravation. He would need to be exceptional for anyone to put up with that long term.
Put down your terms on a take-it-or-leave-it stance. Then let the dice fall where they may.
...............................
|
